My talent? Not having one.

"Would you do it all over right from the start
And what you wish for won't come true"
- "What You Wish For"
Guster

I cannot sing, hum on key, or play the piano. Drawing, scuplting, painting, crafts? My artistic abilities are nonexistent. Dancing? My lack of natural rhythm makes it nearly impossible to pull off effectively. To top it off, I am not particularly athletic, either.
To sum it up, I am without talent.
Some people can do it all without even trying - they can sing, dance, draw, play sports, and do math calculations in their heads. I blamed them for taking my talent.
Are talents something that you are born with, or can they be developed? I remember asking my mom to put me in dance classes when I was younger - she replied that I wasn't particularly graceful, and perhaps dancing wasn't really for me.
I spent many years bemoaning my lack of talent. After all, it's relatively discouraging to be the one person who cannot sing, dance, draw, or play sports well; especially in a world where people can do all of the above and more.
Then, I came to a realization -- my talents may not be traditional, but it does not mean that I am without.
I am amazing at spelling, and can beat many people in Scrabble. I can shuffle cards and "make the bridge" with the deck. I can recite the alphabet just as quickly in reverse, as forward. I know the lyrics to thousands of songs (I'm not exaggerating), as well as the bands and the song titles. I can fold t-shirts perfectly, both in shape and size. I can type quickly and (relatively) correctly, without using the proper fingers.
Chances are, I won't ever win American Idol, but that doesn't mean that I am without talent.

You Could Be Happy

"Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do"
- "You Could Be Happy"
Snow Patrol

Everyone has uttered the line before, usually in reference to an ex - "I just want him/her to be happy." While this statement isn't by any means a lie, it usually is conditional. Yes, you want this person to be happy, but under what circumstances are you okay with it?
Are you okay with your ex being happy, because he is with another girl? If the breakup was amicable, it is common sense to want to see your ex find someone else who can make him happy. The condition being - is this person right for him? In other words, he may be happier because of her...which is what you wanted...but on the other hand, you don't think (from an outsider's perspective, of course) that's she's right for him, either. Yet, just the same, you're not right for him, either. And he's not right for you.
When you're functioning as a couple, you make attempts (often in vain) to influence each other's decisions. After all, you are planning a future together. After the relationship ends, decisions about how to lead your life are suddenly just that - your own. You had a certain idea about how he should lead his life to make himself (as well as you as a couple) successful. Once the relationship is over, you are both free to pursue your lives as you please, with no suggestion from the other person.
If you don't agree with the choices a person is making (that are seemingly making him happy), do you still want him to "be happy"?
The positive side comes from making your own decisions without influence. People need to be free to make their own choices, free of persuasion, no matter what the consequence.
Happiness needs to be something we can truly want for someone, free of strings, no matter how hard this can be to accomplish.

The Price is Right?

Years ago, I read an article about a girl who was thousands of dollars in credit card debt. She openly admitted that she was not a victim of any unfortunate circumstances, but rather she liked shoes and lattes "a little too much." She created a website campaign asking people to donate money to help free her of debt. Not only did she raise enough money (and post a small profit), she was also given a book deal. At first, I was somewhat annoyed that people would donate money to someone this selfish...then on second thought, perhaps I was just jealous that she got out debt with minimal effort and got the book deal I had always dreamed of.
Yesterday, I found myself reading another website regarding a similarly ridiculous situation -- Dustin Diamond (Screech, formerly of "Saved By the Bell" fame) is having his house foreclosed upon. He is selling t-shirts online to save his house, and perhaps get another shot at fame. I wonder why he can't ask Zack, Kelly, and Slater to produce another "Girls of Bayside" calendar to bail him out of his unfortunate circumstances.
These two e-campaigns have given birth to a fundraising campaign idea of my own. I have decided as of this morning, that I cannot tolerate hearing "September" by Earth, Wind, and Fire ever again. There are a number of songs that I despise, but there are none played as often and as widely as "September". I thought that only listening to satellite radio would help me to escape the aural nightmare that is "September" - I was wrong. Second only to "Diamond Girl" by Seals and Croft (another song high up on my never-play-again-list), "September" is a clear favorite of every XM DJ, seemingly no matter what genre the station is.
So here's the plan - send money to my (to be developed) site through PayPal. I, in turn, will send the funds to Earth, Wind, and Fire, themself. With hope, the large influx of cash I raise will take the place of the residuals they receive for airplay, and lead to the elimination of this godforsaken tune.
Remember, readers, charity starts at home.

Letting Go

"So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes it's better letting go this way
I'll always know, down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I've given all I had to give
And now it's time for me to live
And I won't look back
And I won't regret
Though it hurts like hell
Someday I will forget"
- "Letting Go"
Sozzi

If a tree falls in a forest and no one sees it, does it make a sound?
If your ex gets married, and you don't attend the wedding, does it still happen?

There are a number of reasons that I couldn't attend the wedding -- missing work, lack of money, and school, to name a few. When I first received the "Save the Date" card, I actually thought I had a schedule conflict. Even as the reason changed why I could not attend, one fact still remained. I knew that it would be difficult to watch him get married.

One of my favorite movies is "For Love of the Game", which is about a baseball player who ends up leaving the game (the love of his life) for a woman (the greater love of his life). The woman, played by Kelly Preston, falls hard for him, but is afraid to show emotion or the need for a commitment, for fear of losing him. At one point, early on in her relationship, she sets ground rules that they can see other people, and that neither will question the other about his/her personal life when they are not together. She finally lets her guard down, as a result of his persuasion, and travels to meet him at Spring Training, where she finds him with another woman. He chases after her, and reminds her of the conditions she initially set -- her response?
"I was trying to be the guy."

In other words, she felt the relationship would go better, and he would stick around longer if she deemphasized the need for a commitment, and never acknowledged the possibility of a future. She knew deep down that was what she really wanted, but she felt that exposing her feelings would jeopardize any hope of a future with him.

He once told me, after he was engaged, that he thought I didn't want to get married. It couldn't have been farther from the truth. Granted, we certainly weren't ready to make a commitment on that scale while we were dating, but the possibility was always there for me. I simply felt that by not revealing my feelings and giving him the space to sort out his life and future, that I was ensuring the posterity of our relationship.

I never told him how I felt. If I made any allusion to my feelings, I certainly never told him the depth of them. I loved him more than any guy I had ever been with. When the possibility of moving out-of-state (and away from him) first surfaced, we had been broken up for quite awhile. I told myself that if I was to leave, I would tell him how I felt. I would tell him that I loved him.

Life changes quickly. By the time I moved, he was engaged and I was in another relationship. Obviously, my feelings for him, and the situation at large changed. It no longer made sense to drop that bombshell on him, because anything that could result no longer fit in either of our lives.

I remember when I found out that he had gotten engaged, secondhand from a mutual friend. Even though I was happily involved with another person, I still reacted. It seemed unfathomable that life could change so quickly. Even though he and I were simply friends at the time, the news shocked me. It didn't seem possible that he could be getting married.

As time passed, the situation began to make more sense. His fiancee, although I barely know her, is someone that I probably could have been friends with in another lifetime. If he was going to get married, she seemed to be the best choice for him. I want him to be happy, and to see the big picture -- what's truly important. I get the impression that she accomplishes both of those feats for him.

Just the same, there is a part of me that knows life changes when he walks down the aisle. It is saying goodbye to an ideal that I held on to for a long time. Not so much the idea of me being with him, but the idea of knowing that he was always out there. And even though I am happy for him and at peace with their upcoming nuptials, I still know it would be difficult for me to witness firsthand.

So I say this to him: Congratulations! I hope that you have found True Love, and that she is the person you picture growing old with. I hope that you will be the best person you can be for her, and that you will always remember what is truly important. I'm sorry that I cannot be there with you on your wedding day, but know that I want you to be happy.

And that, is letting go.

Everything to lose

Be financially stable.
Be successful in a career.
Be part of a happy, functional relationship.
Have a family.

These, along with others, are items on my mental checklist for success. Success, of course, leading to contentment and hopefully, happiness.
The intriguing part is that singularly, these accomplishments seem to mean little. Being in a good relationship seems to mean less when your work life is a nightmare. Similarly, being a successful workaholic means nothing if you're alone at the end of the day.
I always felt that when I was able to simultaneously "check off" the items on this list, that I'd feel complete. I look at people who are married, have kids, or who are successful and financially independent, and think that they should feel like they have it made.
There's another side to that coin, which I had never considered.
Accomplishing your dreams, or achieving your heart's desire opens you up to the possibility of loss. When you are with someone and everything seems perfect, you can't help but consider the possibility that it is fleeting; that within moments, that perfection could be gone.
Even worse, you can spend your life dreaming of a future -- of the perfect mate, the perfect house, the perfect job. Then, marriage isn't what it seemed, the house is less than ideal, and the job, well, the job isn't what you wanted.

“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.”
- George Bernard Shaw