Learning the hardest lessons

"Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment." - Evan Esar

People can be disappointing. It's as simple as that. If there is one lesson I should learn, it is that. I put too much faith in people that are undeserving.

I don't put enough trust in my instincts. I give people second chances who possibly never deserved a first chance. I forgive and forget much easier than I should.

Heartbreak sucks, but letting someone do it more than once is even worse. Once is enough.

Some people aren't worth your tears; some people aren't worth your time. Remembering who is truly important and who deserves you is not always as easy as it sounds.

Feeling sorry for yourself is a tiring act. Listening to depressing music only leaves you feeling worse. Especially when you know that things can (and will) be so much better in time.

Bill summed it up best this morning, when he gave me my new mantra for the week - "Well, if that's the best you could do, then your best sucks!"

Amen to that.

Desiderata

I found this poem yesterday and fell in love with it.

"Desiderata", by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Aside from the last stanza (? it's been too long since I studied poetry, because I mostly hate poetry), my favorite part is "And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." Although this sentiment is expressed to me almost daily, it is sometimes hard to believe. It often seems as though life is moving in the wrong direction, and the sequence of events add up to nothing good. Having faith that there is a plan behind it that I cannot see gives me comfort to wait out the rough patches.

Life has been kinda confusing lately, and I've been discouraged at times. But when it comes down to it, it's a beautiful life, and a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

And a great weekend this shall be...

Just for today

I used to be a dedicted journal writer - I penned my thoughts almost every day, starting during my freshman year of college. I'm not entirely sure why I stopped that ritual - it seemed that when my life was quiet (the times when I was settled), that I didn't have much to write about. My thoughts quieted, and I didn't feel the need to write to sort them out or clear my mind.

Looking back on these journals, I sometimes smile at what tragedy was rocking my world at seventeen, or what guy was breaking my heart at nineteen. While I can see countless ways in which I have grown, there are still a great many entries that could be written today and read the same.

In addition to what I wrote, I always pasted my concert ticket stubs in my journals, and I often clipped articles or other things that I read. If something impacted me enough to read it more than once, it had a place in my journal.

I woke up this morning and realized again, that I need to look at each day as one day, each hour as one hour. Life becomes overwhelming when you look at the big picture all the time. While it is necessary to have goals and far-reaching dreams, the individual steps that you take to get there are just as important, if not more important.

Thinking of this reminded me of something I clipped long ago. Ironically, it is from one of the advice columns (which I never read), and I think it is based on 12 step programs (like AA).

Here it is:

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.
I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct, and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today: I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully — if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

Today I will focus on what is happening at this moment in time, and not worry about tomorrow or the next day. I won't dwell on the future that scares me, or the things that bring me down. I will focus only on what is present, important, and makes me happy. I will deal with things as they come, rather than anticipating what's next.

It's a beautiful sunny day here in New York. I walked down the stairs of the subway this morning and got the B train within minutes (a true rarity). I've got my Starbucks and a muffin (since I ate four french fries for dinner last night). I'm going to see the Jesus and Mary Chain tonight at Webster Hall. Aside from the minor hangover I am sporting right now, I feel confident that it can be a good day.

Just for today - I will live through this day only.

Today I am grateful for.

..the "back" button on my cell phone.

Never text absentmindedly.

I can text better than anyone when I'm drinking. As a matter of fact, my ability to text while drinking seems to increase exponentially with the amount I drink (similar to my ability to dance, play darts, and shoot pool).

Yet I attempt to text sober today and almost send a message to the completely wrong person.

Lesson learned: when texting one person about someone else, don't send the text to the person you are talking about.

God bless the "back" button which saved me at the very last second

Overheard in New York

There is a website I used to enjoy reading, but rarely read anymore, Overheard in New York.

The site basically repeats snippets of completely absurd conversations, overheard in the streets of the City. Here is a gem from today:

Why They Don't Run FEMA Anymore
Bimbette #1: Wait, but, like... What state is Louisiana in, again?Bimbette #2: I don't know. Like, Arkansas?--56th & Madison

This morning, I honestly felt like submitting a few of my own. I have mentioned it before, and will say it again - I despise tourists. There is some definite irony in that, having grown up in New York (tourist central) and then living in Charleston (dependent on tourists to survive).

However, I think my living situations only escalated my disdain for them.

There is one Starbucks in Penn Station. Once you exit Penn Station, there is one every corner; but in Penn, there is just one. Needless to say the line is usually pretty long during rush hour in the morning. There were two Amtrak employees on line in front of me this morning. The woman, with her giant mountain of curly hair (clipped into poufy bow) turned to the man and drawled in her high pitch voice, "Back hoooome at Myrtle Beach, we've got a donut shop on every corner. You don't wait on no lines like these!" Okay. One, this isn't a donut shop. It's Starbucks. There are about 15 Dunkin Donuts in Penn, if you want a donut shop. There's also a Wings every corner in Myrtle Beach, and it's still trendy to wear that bow in your hair there, too.

Then, I was on the elevator in my building this morning listening to two guys who work for one of the Time Inc. entities on the ninth floor. They were discussing a new employee, who one guy said was his friend from college. The conversation went something like this:

Guy #1: So what do you think of the new guy?
Guy #2: Oh, he's my friend from school. I got him the job, even though we were in a hiring freeze. He had like five interviews, though.
Guy #1: Five interviews, huh. He must have interviewed with some pretty important people, like my dad, to get hired during a freeze.

Good to know nepotism is still alive and well in America.

The Fear You Won't Fall

I gravitate to certain types of music depending on the mood I am in. My state of mind seems to dictate what gets played on my IPod while I am walking to work, trying to tune out the world around me. When I am happy and life feels full of joy and promise, I tend to enjoy upbeat music - cheesy top 40, 80's music, bad pop. On the other hand, when I'm feeling down, my playlists can't include enough Damien Rice, Chris Isaak, and Elliott Smith.

Last night, while looking through ITunes for some new music, I stumbled upon the Joshua Radin song "The Fear You Won't Fall" and everything fell into place. I downloaded the entire album - it's beautiful. The downside is that after listening to all thirteen songs this morning on my way to work, I was in no mood to start my day on a bright note.

I am pure melancholy.

This is an album, much like "Forever Blue" by Chris Isaak that is written for the other half of a failed relationship, the person who left and took your heart with him (or her). Every song has the same message, little hope, and even less happiness.

The lyrics are beautiful, though.

I desperately need to snap out of the funk I'm in lately. There is much to look forward to in the near future, and I need to focus on that, rather than the negativity that is muddying my thoughts and overtaking my mindset.

No more Joshua Radin for today.

"Digging a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me air's getting thin but I'm trying I'm breathing in
Come find me
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought
I could
Can't get my mind off of you
I know you're scared that
I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd cal
lThought being alone
Was better than was better than
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you"
- "The Fear You Won't Fall"
Joshua Radin

Of Security Deposits and Wedding Bells

I spent a portion of the weekend looking at apartments, for my grand upcoming July 1 move. While I know that I want to live at the beach, my idea has been met with resistance by many, including my brother, who thinks I should live in Queens. His take is that Long Beach is simply filled with "just out of college kids and everyone from Long Island that we hate."

Regardless, over the next month, I need to find a suitable apartment within my means (easier said than done), pack all of my stuff, and put down the requisite first month - last month - security. Not to mention application fees, broker fees, etc. I miss the simplicity of apartment hunting in other states.

I miss my apartment in Charleston, that at its highest cost, was $665 a month. My apartment that was ten minutes to the beach and five minutes to downtown, in a complex with two pools, sand volleyball, tennis courts, basketball courts, and a hot tub. Now, it is a treat to get a dishwasher in a $1400/month apartment that is the size of my old screenporch.

Needless to say, the initial investment is quite large. While paying month to month rent will put a significant dent in the way I like to live, it's certainly feasible. I asked my mom if I could take money from a CD account that I have, a small inheritance that has gone untouched. She had no problem with this, as long as I left enough money in there to keep the account open. I questioned if my dad would have any objection.

She paused.

"Well, he said that he hoped you would keep that money for a wedding one day. That maybe he could loan you the money."

I didn't even know how to reply. Umm...a wedding. When am I having this wedding that I should be keeping this money aside for? Does having money put aside for a wedding sound a little creepy in this day and age? Just curious.

I think next time I am getting serious with someone, I'll throw out that card. "Guess what, I've got an inheritance account that can cover our wedding!"

Yeah.

So yesterday my brother was home and we were in the car together for about ten minutes (when he offered his "opinions" about where I should move). I told him what our dad had said about saving the money for a wedding, expecting that he would agree with me, that it was an insane concept.

His reply?

"Does he realize that wouldn't even cover 10% of a shit wedding nowadays?"

I'm still really not sure what the most disturbing part of this whole "how to spend the money" conversation was.

Always Wanting

5. Be more and have more

At the core, all of the above ideas can be summed up in a single method: simply convince yourself that you need more than you have at any given moment, and you will be able to maintain a steady feeling of anxiety throughout the day. This can be a feeling of needing to become more than you already are, or needing to have more than you have now (which are actually one and the same), and can be felt more generally as a perpetual sense of lack.

Brad sent me a link to this blog a few months back, which is entitled "5 Ideas for Stressful Living". Although it is intended as a tongue-in-cheek look at the way we intentionally make our lives stressful, I sadly realized that it mirrors the manner in which I live, more than it ought to.

I would be remiss if I said that the statement I posted above is the only one that I saw myself in. Rather, this statement was what really drove the point home, "One of the more absurd aspects of the ego is that it conditions you to actively seek negative results. It makes you think that what you want is peace, when its secret pleasure is always in conflict and negativity."

When do you ever feel that what you have is "enough"?

I can have an entirely "okay" day - in other words, the majority of things go right. But there's something missing, and the entire shift in balance leaves me lacking.

Yesterday was one of those days. In most terms, it was a decent day. Nothing actually bad happened, yet nothing remarkably good happened. And the one thing that could have made it feel like a "good" day didn't happen. In other words, I was (a) wanting more, (b) trying to control my world, and (c) trying to control the actions of another person. Three simple things that add so much more stress to my world.

As funny as that blog sounds when you read it, the reality of it all is less humorous. I think that I take steps to make my life less stressful, when in reality, my actions only make it more so.

I need to stop thinking that I'm on the brink of making my life better, and learn to live in the now. I need to learn to appreciate the one sunny, eighty degree day, rather than being discouraged when the ten day forecast shows nine days of rain following.

It is much more difficult to enjoy the present when you are always thinking that something equal or greater must follow. I need to stop always wanting more.

"Believe me that you're standing on the edge of something good.
And it's the hardest thing you ever had to do.
Truth be told you're begging on your knees
Singing please don't let it, please don't let it be."
- "Please Don't Let It Be
"The Alternate Routes

Today's horoscope

I love my customized Google page - it has ESPN headlines, People.com headlines, "actual news" headlines, and my daily horoscope (among other things).

Here is my horoscope for today: You may be uneasy and restless now, although normally you can make the best of any situation. Today, however, you can get lost in dreams of your future, even if these fantasies are not supported by the present circumstances. Give yourself permission to explore all possibilities, but don't confuse your ideas with reality.

Pretty interesting, huh. That sounds about right for me...

So I'm glad that I'm not nearly as sick as I was at the beginning of the week. I'm glad that it's Friday. I'm glad that tonight is Happy Hour and tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. My local minor league baseball team starts their season tonight. Life is pretty good on my end.

I just got a ticket to see one of the few bands that I love, but have never seen in concert, The Jesus and Mary Chain. I just signed up to play kickball again, on Monday nights in Riverside Park. I'm going to Virginia for a weekend in just two weeks.

I've got restless spring energy. I can't wait to go rollerblading, play golf at Robert Moses, lay out for hours on end, and go in the ocean. I can't wait to drink Coronas on the beach at sunset.

I'm so excited that summer is on its way.