The Last Hours of 2008

New Year's Eve has traditionally not been one of my favorite holidays; expectations wise, you could probably put it on par with Valentine's Day. Though I can't really remember a New Year's Eve that I absolutely loved (I can remember one Valentine's Day, though), I continue to attempt to celebrate it every year.

Plain and simple - the weather absolutely sucks in New York today. The roads are perilously covered in layers of water, black ice, snow and more ice. The temperature is in the 20s right now and is working its way down to single digits. The wind is blowing in circles (a la the Patriots-Bills game this past weekend) - uprights couldn't stand a chance outside my apartment right now. By morning, the wind chill will probably hit zero, according to the Weather Channel. Yet, I am doing what I do best - choosing an absolutely unseasonable outfit to wear out tonight in hopes of ringing in a better 2009. Nothing says I respect northern winter weather like a sleeveless dress with bare legs and open toed shoes ...

I've mentioned before that I'm mildly superstitious - one of those superstitions relates to New Year's Eve. I wish I could remember when or where I heard it and on days like today, I wish I never had. I once heard that how you spend New Year's Eve reflects what your coming year is going to be like. So being superstitious and already having the cards stacked against my NYE 2008, I am hoping to defeat the odds for 2009.

When I ring in 2009, he who should have been my NYE date will be working (if you're planning to drive after drinking tonight, stay out of East Rockaway ...) and I will be out with one of my best friends, braving the cold (in my oh-so-cute $19 party dress from Nordstrom) and enjoying a flute of champagne. Tomorrow morning starts a new year and Kristen's Facebook status says it best - "Kristen has decided to focus on what's going to make her happy in 2009 after spending the day at the happiest place on earth."

So raise a glass and toast to better times in 2009 - hoping that superstitions don't always come true.

Another top ten list

About ten years ago, MTV aired one of the greatest countdown specials ever - the top 25 lamest videos of all time. Supposedly, after showing the 25 videos, the reels would be destroyed, never to be shown again. If this is the case, future generations will certainly lose out. While many of the below videos are from that special, I have a few additional favorites.

In no particular order, I give you my top ten best videos of all time.



10. "Oh Sherrie" by Steve Perry
Note that "Sherrie" (his actual girlfriend at the time) is actually in this video, sporting a sexy white dress. Does anyone actually understand the point of the proposed medieval plotline? Be sure to pause right before he comes down the stairs - his jeans really need to be tighter. I also love when he uses a broom as a guitar. Epic.



9. "Rosanna" by Toto
I love her dramatic ponytail flip (~0:30) and the mug on the lead singer. He sings with so much emotion.



8. "Rock Me Tonite" by Billy Squier
Is it his Flashdance get-up? His flouncing in a pink leotard on the floor of his loft? His pole dancing? I do love the way he tosses his laundry about the room.

7. "Separate Ways" by Journey
This video cannot be embedded, but it can be linked. It absolutely must be included in this list. I love this woman, all decked out in her tight leather skirt and high heels, walking around in a lumberyard on a dock. I love Steve Perry's shirt from Chess King. I love the way their instruments materialize, as if from thin air. I love the way Journey materializes from thin air. No one sings with more emotion than Steve Perry - not the seven lead singers from Journey that have followed him or even that guy from Toto. No one.



6. "After the Rain" - by Nelson
I think I owned this cassingle. I always hope that when I get in a fight with my parents, that my bedside Nelson poster will come to life and save me. I also love the dramatic use of Native Americans, feathers and perms in this video.



5. "Escape" by Rupert Holmes
Everyone knows that I love this song. I may love Rupert Holmes even more after seeing this performance. So it's not a traditional "music video" ... but that doesn't make it any less fabulous.



4. "November Rain" by Guns n Roses
God, I loved this song and video when I was in junior high. I even thought that skanky wedding dress was pretty hot. Does anyone really know what really happened in this video? I just love the rain ... the cake ... Slash jamming on the guitar in front of the church.

3. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!
Another one that can't be embedded - so sad! Appreciate the "Choose Life" shirts, George Michael's short-shorts and fabulous gloves ... the lighting, the effects, his chunky back-up dancers. Excellent, all around.

2. "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by Crash Test Dummies
Another non-embed! I think this video was about child abuse, but I can't get past the creepy expressions on his face when he hums. I think they're Canadian, too. Is this what children's theater looks like in the land up North?



1. "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul
So I owned this cassette, too. I owned the trifecta at age nine(ish) - Debbie Gibson, Tiffany and Paula Abdul. Then I segued into hair bands. What is with this video? Was the animation supposed to be new and cool? Horrid.

Christmas Magic

"I wish I could just stop
I know another moment will break my heart
Too many tears
Too many times
Too many years
I've cried for you
It's always the same"
- "From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea"
The Cure

I wrote possibly the longest "apology" that I have ever written in my life today; the e-mail was actually 2,452 words. I can guess that only three paragraphs were devoted to the actual apology. I made that last night. The rest of it was everything I had wanted to say before, but either couldn't find the words for, or was to scared to say.

The sad thing is that the more friends I tell the story to, it turns out that I'm not exactly at fault. It's not to say that I didn't do something that was wrong - but I could be putting my efforts somewhere that they don't belong.

I once read that you should never shed tears for someone who you know won't cry over you. I wish my head could overrule my heart. I wish that I could go back 24 hours in time and not make the same mistake again. But I tell myself - people make mistakes. We're not meant to be perfect. The best I can do is apologize and hope to be forgiven.

Unfortunately, we can't control when things go bad. Yet somehow it seems harder to be dealing with fallout right before Christmas. Christmas seems like a time when everything should be perfect ... or as perfect as it could be.

Is it possible to still believe in Christmas magic, even when you're 29 years old?

"It was the hope of all we might have been
That filled me with the hope to wish impossible things
But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish is gone away"
- "To Wish Impossible Things"
The Cure

Good Luck Jen

"My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy." - Charlie, "Good Luck Chuck"

I probably would never have seen this movie had I not thought it was written about my life. The only solace I find is that someone else was in the exact same predicament as I am - you'd have to be, to come up with this plotline.

For those of you who haven't seen the movie, here's the IMDB synapsis: "In order to keep the woman of his dreams from falling for another guy, Charlie Logan has to break the curse that has made him wildly popular with single women: Sleep with Charlie once, and the next man you meet will be your true love." Basically substitute "date" for "sleep with," and you've got my life for the past ten years.

Everyone I date marries the girl he dates after me. At first I thought it was a coincidence. Then I chalked it up to growing older. Now I am starting to think it's a curse, as I discovered today that yet another guy I dated is getting married to the girl he began dating after me. For the most part, the guys have been pretty insignificant, and the ones who did matter, I was more or less over by the time I was notified of their pending nuptials.

Today's news came on the tail of a not-so-great week, which is why it may have bothered me more than it should. While I just got back last night from a great vacation out west which involved everything from hiking to drinking to snowboarding, my mind was battling something that was left wide open before I left - and to be honest, it still is.

Every vacation has a soundtrack, songs that you overplay that always remind you of a person and of a place. For this trip it was "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot." Thanks a lot, XM, for introducing me to this song exactly when I didn't need it.

"I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am"
- The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
Brand New

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?" - "High Fidelity"

Happiest

"Today is the greatest day
I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrow's much too long"
- "Today"
Smashing Pumpkins

I was in my car the other day thinking about the last time in my life that I was happiest - not to be confused with "happy" but truly "happiest." The funny thing about remembering your life in retrospect is that you know that life was never perfect. Yet you can remember certain phases of your life as seeming pretty close to it. When you're truly happy, life's ups and downs don't hit you as hard and things that would bother you on other days don't even seem to register.

I will always remember the spring of my sophomore year of college as being "The Greatest Time of My Life." I was 18-19 years old, in love for the first time, making the best grades I had ever made and the future seemed nothing but bright. It was a time of many firsts and I remember feeling like my entire world was ahead of me. It sounds cliche, but it was true. It felt like everything I had waited for in my life was finally there.

The last time in my life that I remember being truly happy for an extended period of time was in early 2004. I was living in Charleston and had just began a new job after a solid year of hunting. I was in the early stages of dating someone that I quickly fell unreasonably head over heels for (one of the moments when you know your heart clearly overruled your head). I was running almost daily and I felt full of energy. My days and nights were always full and life just seemed in its simplest form to be full and complete.

It was easy to see why it didn't stay that way as each of the positives took a turn for the negative. I went through a prolonged and confusing break-up with said boyfriend. The job turned out to be less than expected, leading me to resign at year's end. The next year, I moved back to New York.

It's not to say that I haven't been happy with my life since, or in New York in general. I have a wonderful job and I have good friends who are always fun to be with. Just the same, I look back with a sense of wistfulness for a time like that again.

As you get older, your expectations change. Even though there will be better and stronger loves in your life, there will never be a second "first love." There will never be another "first job out of college" or another 25th birthday. It becomes even harder to feel truly happy when the things you looked forward to about getting older don't seem to be happening - life seems to stand still.

If you have love you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it it doesn't matter much what else you do have." - J.M. Barrie

Super Me

David Bailey: All or nothing. Tonight I'll be the super me.
Steve Dunne: What if the super you meets the super her and the super her rejects the super you?
David Bailey: Then it's no problem.
Steve Dunne: Uh-huh. Why?
David Bailey: Because it was never you, it was just an act. I live my life like a French movie, Steve.
- “Singles”

For anyone who knows me, it was a sign of the apocalypse. His criticism was that I don’t talk enough – words I have definitely never heard before. After a month and a half, he felt like he didn’t know me at all and that perhaps we didn’t “click” – we spent too much time in silence and that I didn’t seem to have any real opinions about anything. Basically, he could tell that, at times, there were things I wanted to say to him but that I was more or less looking at him with a “blank stare.”

In trying to be the super me, I had become my own worst enemy – a Stepford Wife: fawning, submissive, quiet and rather un-opinionated. And the super me was rejected.

I was trying too hard. I felt that by being quiet, unassuming, agreeable and interested, I was putting forth the perfect version of myself … except it wasn’t me. At what point do we become afraid to be ourselves - that who we are isn’t enough to offer someone?

I knew I was doing it, but I didn’t realize that it was having the completely wrong effect. I was wrongly trying to let someone who I really liked, get to know someone that wasn’t me at all. Don’t get me wrong – I wasn’t completely pretending to be someone I’m not. I honestly believe that I am a person who cares about others and feels rewarded in knowing that I make those around me happy.

But I’m not a doormat. I’m not quiet. I’m actually kind of obnoxiously talkative. I tend to tell people more about me than they need to know upfront. I have opinions on just about anything, even though I hate to argue. I’m rarely assertive, though, and it takes awhile for me to become truly comfortable being an honest version of myself with others.

Learning to communicate is one of the biggest obstacles that couples face. I regret that I didn’t feel confident enough to be myself – that I was scared it wasn’t enough. While I am hopeful that second chances can be had and that this can be given a viable shot, sometimes all you can gain is experience … and hope not to make a similar mistake in the future.

Siriusly?

Five days a week, I drive less than a mile per day - to and from the train station. The other days, I don't drive a whole lot more; I run errands, visit friends and occasionally take the trip to my parents' house. I could not live without my XM Radio, though.

When satellite radio first came out, I knew that I had to have it. Anyone who has ridden in the car with me can vouch that I am completely ADD when it comes to the radio. I will flip through my 30 preset stations in search of the perfect song and then do it all over again when the song ends. I love that satellite radio has very little talk, great variety of genres and often plays songs that you wouldn't otherwise hear. Satellite radio also keeps you from being punished by "whatever the local flavor is" - i.e. country and Christian rock in the south, Spanish music in Arizona ... I've been subjected to it all on road trips.

For the past year or so, there were rumblings of a Sirius/XM merger. Anyone who pays for each service adamantly believes s/he has the better satellite radio offering. Months rolled on and everyone wondered how the merger would take place - would one company overtake the other? I was happy with XM the way it was.

Then one morning a few weeks ago, I turned on my car to find that "Ethel" had been replaced with "Alt Nation." "Lucy" had been overtaken by "Lithium" and I suddenly had an entire station dedicated to the Grateful Dead. The companies silently merged the two station offerings, leaving the listener with Sirius/XM - a cornucopia of radio stations.

Presets were supposed to remain the same genre - in other words, Lucy played "alt-90s rock." Sirius' version, Lithium, theoretically plays the same thing. However, I've noticed one thing thus far - Sirius repeats songs. A lot. I didn't notice this as much with XM (with the exception of "Into the Night" by Benny Mendones, "Danny's Song" by Loggins & Messina and "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire). I feel as though I have heard "Wrong Way" by Sublime about 140 times in the last week.

Don't get me wrong - XM is not without its own share of problems. I was highly disappointed when, last month, they pre-empted the ska/hardcore/punk station with a 24-7 AC/DC station. Um, seriously? I didn't even think AC/DC had enough songs to fill a day's worth of programming, let alone an entire permanent station. Ew.

Another issue is in the XM hardware. I think I have one of the oldest radios that XM sold - it runs through the cassette deck in my car. When I inquired about putting in a new radio, they told me that the entire system would have to be rewired - you couldn't simply plug and play.

As of this morning, I think my XM has become possessed. I pressed the "memory" button and it started flipping through stations and refusing to stop on one to listen. Then, after I unplugged it in a moment of fury, it got stuck on Lithium and played the same song by Garbage three times in a row.

Siriusly - what gives?