Finding What You Need

"What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains and I'll ask for the sea"
- "Volcano"
Damien Rice

One of the best feelings is having a breakthrough - when you finally comprehend (and truly understand) something that you have been told before. It isn't the kind of understanding where someone tells you something and you can repeat back that, yes, you get it. Rather, it's a feeling that you finally understand how it all comes together.

I was a work-study employee for two years in the graduate psychology department at college where I gleaned the benefit of what I call "free advice." I remember sorting through admissions questionnaires with one of the doctoral students and idly discussing relationships. It turned into an interesting conversation about personal needs and how they ultimately effect relationships. At the time, I'm sure that on a cognitive level, I grasped what he was saying.

It has been a good nine years since I had that job. This morning, while walking to work and thinking about my life, I recalled this conversation and finally understood what it meant.

We have friends, family members and significant others who play different roles in our life. While one person may be perfect for someone else, he may not be perfect for you - the reason being that each of us has different needs. Once you can recognize (and even better, verbalize) what it is that you need, you have better odds of finding someone that really works well with you.

It isn't difficult to get along with people, and to be honest, friendships and relationships can drag out as both people act out their parts. It feels completely different, though, when you realize that someone knows exactly what makes you tick and what you personally require.

This all came about when I realized how much I like to laugh. I can't be fully happy being with someone that I don't laugh with - because I'm not being myself. I am definitely happiest with people who make me laugh and let me be myself, stupid humor and all. I appreciate the person who remembers to tell me "good morning" at the start of my day or "sweet dreams" at the end of it, even if it is just a 10 second phone call or a text. I'm affectionate - not in the creepy PDA sort of way - but can't deny that it makes me smile to hold someone's hand or get a kiss on my forehead. I need someone who challenges me to learn more and do more, but doesn't make me feel inept for not already knowing something about everything. I want to be with someone who wants to get to know me - what's important to me and why. The most important thing encompasses all of these little things - I want to be with someone where I am totally comfortable being me.

The funny thing was that simply laughing for a few hours reminded me how easy it is to forget what you need from another person - what makes you feel like you. Suddenly, what had been cloudy for weeks now made sense and everything felt just a little bit better.

The Order in Disorder

When I was younger, I remember looking for my missing shoes when my mom asked me if I had looked in the closet for them. I must have given her a totally bewildered look in response; after all, unless someone else put them away, the last place I expected to find them was in the closet. Perhaps they would be on the floor on the landing or under the bed - but most likely not in my closet.

I've never been a neat and organized "type A" by nature - yet to a certain degree, I always felt I existed better in my own version of chaos. I understand my systems and I know (for the most part) the logical place (by my assertation) to find my belongings.

I go through phases - when I have the time, energy and motivation to do a massive "spring cleaning" I exert the effort to keep order in my home. Otherwise, I generally do the bare minimum to keep it up - do the dishes, clean the bathroom, do my laundry and throw away garbage as needed. In other words, my place may not always be totally organized, but it's not dirty.

Mail is my worst enemy when it comes to keeping my place (and life) in order. Most days, I grab the mail on the way in from work when my hands are already full. It is the first thing to land on the table and often stays there for days on end. By the end of the week, the table is half covered in magazines, catalogs, credit card offers and bills.

As much as I hate to admit it, my life feels more together when it is in order. Surprisingly enough, by taking literally two minutes to make my bed in the morning, my room feels more peaceful and conducive to order.

I realized recently that I had let the first weeks of the year go - I was trying to sort through a few things personally and everything else just seemed, well, less important. Then I decided to take charge and put the pieces back in order. The chaos in my home extended to the chaos in my life - I needed a resurrection of routine. I needed to start eating actual meals again - not just a combination of whatever I could "prepare" in the shortest amount of time and with the fewest number of dishes. I needed to not sleep absurd amounts of hours on the weekend. I needed to keep lists of the errands that needed to be accomplished on the weekend and actually see that they were done. I needed to get back on budget and watch where my money was going. I needed to stop watching "The City" on DVR and start going back to the gym regularly.

I am a believer that when you take steps to "try at life," good things come your way. I always feel like when I was living my life the fullest for myself that things (mostly) seemed to be better. We all deserve a few days (or weeks) to fall out of routine and mope about the things that aren't going our way. But then, you need to wake up and think about what it is that you really want.

It might not seem like throwing away the junk mail and cooking a dinner (just for yourself) are the most exciting and life affirming things. But sometimes just making your bed can bring a little more order to an already chaotic day.

The winter of our discontent?

"For instance, at some point in your year (every year) it seems your life hits a "winter phase" of coldness and darkness with very little growth and fertility - a phase that gets you thinking: 'Oh no. That's it, my life is over. Everything good is gone. The world sucks.' Only to find that ... whaddyaknow ... your winter phase ends and the Spring Law arrives to spring you free into a phase filled with renewal and growth and brightness. Then comes your summer phase, followed by your fall phase, follow by winter, spring, summer, etc ... etc ..."
- how to be HAPPY, dammit
By Karen Salmansohn

The meteorologists say that this is the coldest winter we have experienced in five years - coincidentally the coldest winter we've had since I returned to New York. Not only is the cold bone-chilling, it seems like it snows every single day. I can't remember the last time that it snowed this many days.

I've never understood people who enjoy snow, cold weather and winter in general, being a person who loves to be barefoot and outdoors. I miss the days when I didn't own a winter coat in Charleston, when all I needed was my Patagonia fleece.

I've been sick since last Wednesday with some variant of the cold-flu that everyone in New York is currently harboring. Being sick in the depths of winter essentially transforms you into a "shut-in" - I left my apartment once between Wednesday morning and Friday evening, and that was to go to 7-11 to buy juice and Pop-Tarts. By the time Friday evening rolled around, I was eager to leave the confines of my apartment and to see another face.

Emotionally, winter just feels draining. It feels like everything has just stopped and that time is going to stand still until spring rolls around. Thankfully, we have that hope to hold out to - knowing that sooner or later, change is going to come and life is going to start moving again.

We stand up and brush ourselves off.

We count the days that the sun shines, rather than the days it snows (and hope they outnumber one another!)

We look forward to St. Patrick's Day (my favorite day of the year) which is practically just around the corner.

And we know that things will get better. The Spring Phase of life is coming soon.

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

Movies.books.tv

I once went almost two years without seeing a movie in the theaters after paying $12 to see "Elizabethtown." I should point out that I had just moved back to New York and was unfamiliar with paying more than $6 for a movie (with my roughly five year expired student ID), but it truly says something about a movie when it inspires you to stop going to see them, altogether. I eventually started going back to see movies, but I'm not what one calls an avid moviegoer. I tend to see previews for movies and then add them to my Netflix queue - eventually the movies will make their way to my mailbox. For this reason alone, it was surprising that I saw two "current" movies this past week - "Marley & Me" and "The Reader."

A friend had proposed seeing "Marley & Me" as a New Year's afternoon outing - while it wasn't a movie that I was dying to see, getting out of my apartment and spending the day with friends seemed like a good idea. Now I won't ruin it for you (in case you are planning to see it) but my other friend revealed a KEY DETAIL regarding the movie, the night before we saw it. It then became known as "the movie where (fill in the blank with spoiler)." All in all, a cute movie - nothing cinematically spectacular, but a fun afternoon distraction.

On Friday, my mom and I planned to see "Australia" - although I heard less than spectacular things about it, my love for Baz Luhrmann was enough inspiration to go ("Moulin Rouge" is one of my all-time favorite films). Sad but true, it was already out of the theaters. Determined to still see a movie together, we looked through the listings and chose "The Reader." "The Reader" could also be known as "the movie where Kate Winslet is topless for 80% of it." I swear, every other scene showed Kate without a top. It was a strange movie - at times I liked it, at times it dragged. It was also a little more depressing than what I really needed to be watching.

My Netflix rental this week was a movie that I was very excited about, ever since it premiered at Sundance - "American Teen." While I was quite a fan of "Laguna Beach" (and should subsequently be ashamed to admit that), this documentary probably hits home for more people as to what high school is really like in most of the country. Parts of it must have appealed to the side of me that loved "Freaks and Geeks" - while it is fun to sometimes delve into escapism, a little dose of reality is good every once and again. If you watch it, let me know if you were as disgusted by Megan as I was.

I read a book this past week that I don't recommend and I am partway into a book that I actually like quite a bit. "Hurry Down Sunshine" by Michael Greenberg gets a big thumbs-down. I first read a review of this book in New York and added it to my "to-read" queue - upon reading it, I was nothing except disappointed. I think the book focused too much on the dysfunction of all the adults and their relationships. I also am sort-of intolerant of people who use New Age philosophy as a cover/cure for mental illness.

On the other hand, I just started "The Book of Mychal" by Michael Daly and I am truly enjoying it. This biography is about Father Mychal Judge, the iconic priest who served as the chaplain of the FDNY and died in the Twin Towers collapse. I am only about five chapters deep but it is refreshing to read about someone who pursued the Catholic priesthood knowing that he wanted to be a different kind of priest. Where so much of religion is centered on judgment and "not listening", Father Mychal was determined to bring the exact opposite to Catholicism. The more I read of this book and his life, the more I realize what Catholicism (and religion as a whole) is supposed to stand for.

Firing up the DVR ... "Gossip Girl" is back this week and we've got another episode of "Intervention" tonight (hopefully significantly less disgusting than last week's feeding tube gem). We've got "The City" tonight, which reinforces everything I dislike about New York and could be even worse than "The Hills." Last but not least, "Real World: Brooklyn" starts on Wednesday. I haven't watched the "Real World" since Seattle (1997? maybe?) but I'm curious about this one.