Learn Your Lesson, Lest You're Too Late

Last week was a long one. By the time the weekend rolled around, I was both physically and mentally exhausted and more than ready to decompress.

On Saturday, I joined some friends for a dim sum excursion in Flushing (quite an adventure for a person who eats as plainly as I do) and spent the afternoon in what could only be described as a dim sum coma. In other words, I happily camped out on the couch and pretty much didn't move for the rest of the day. The worst part was that I didn't even feel slightly guilty about it.

I began working my way through my DVR - I watched last week's Glee episode (which will totally make you cry), last week's Gossip Girl (which makes Chuck Bass look like a good guy, once again) and another episode of Gone too Far, featuring a really scary alcoholic girl from Middleofnowhere, Texas. Upon running out of television shows, I moved to movies. I watched The Departed (or more accurately, watched Matt Damon ... the plot was secondary). My next selection was White Oleander.

I read "White Oleander" a number of years ago and to be honest, I barely remembered it when I started watching the movie. The plot is rather dark and kind of sad; to sum it up thematically, it's primarily about abandonment. But there was a quote in the movie which stood out - "Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself ... know what you want."

And that moment, in an otherwise wasted day on the couch provided me with clarity. It reminded me of something that I already knew but often forget.

We all know better. We just try to talk ourselves out of reason. Simply because we can.

And by the next day, it didn't matter if it made sense. I no longer cared why or why not. I just knew that it didn't matter anymore. And that was just fine.

"Go on and it won't be too soon
You're gone, you're gone, are you waiting for somethin?
Go on cause I won't be back soon "
- "So Long"
Guster

The Other Side of the Coin

I often have an idea for a blog post bouncing around in my head for a few days before I get the chance to write it. If a particularly good idea or sentiment comes to mind, I'll jot notes on my BlackBerry. Rarely have I started out thinking about one thing and then by the time I penned it, been given enough reason to completely disagree with it.

Try to follow this one ...

I have a tendency to think about my life in cycles. In other words, when Halloween rolls around, I reflect upon where I was on that day a year ago. When the weather gets cold, I start thinking about my life in winters past. Yesterday, I was talking with two of my friends about people I had dated in the past year. When I look back on relationships, I am guilty of falling victim to the Pollyanna Syndrome - remembering positive things more readily than negative things.

I thought about how I enjoyed spending winter nights eating takeout sushi on the couch with him. I remembered watching an all-night marathon of "Rob & Big" on MTV and of going to get bagels for breakfast the next day. I smiled thinking about how he would text me "good morning" and "sweet dreams." For a moment, I felt sad - that I was really missing being in that place.

Then the other day, I remembered arguing with him on Thanksgiving Day. I remember being on vacation and wondering where we stood, since he left it open-ended before I left for my trip. I remember sitting next to him, more than once, without a thing to say, because I just didn't think he cared.

On paper, he was everything I was looking for. I'm not going to lie - I can still take out the mental checklist and realize that finding that combination isn't easy. But then you remember a checklist isn't everything - a person isn't a checklist and a good relationship can't be created from a list of options.

This morning. I started thinking about the other side of that coin. In other words, people I have dated who I reference negatively. I thought in particular about an ex from a few years ago who was always kind to me, cared about me and for that period of time, made me happy. Yet whenever I look back at that time in my life, I see only negatives. I see someone who didn't fit any of the options on my checklist and I wonder why I thought it would fit.

To put it in cliche terms - square peg. Round hole.

I remembered this morning what used to make me smile about him. I thought again that maybe, a person can't be judged against a list of options.

One instant message conversation changed my mind.

I remembered why we set certain standards for what we need in a person. While not everything comes down to education-family-job, there is a reason you seek out a "type." And most importantly, there is a reason that some people, while not wrong for someone else, will never be right for you.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing.