Of procrastination and astrology

I credit JR's roommate Ben with one of my favorite quotes, "Procrastination is a lot like masturbation, because in the end you're only fuc*ing yourself."

I am an absolute master at procrastination. I can focus on a task for thirty minutes, tops, before

I find something else that can successfully distract me. It seems like I have been packing for my move for, oh, forever now. I've also concluded that I will have to take a day off from work this week to finish. Oh well.

I actually made significant progress on the packing front today, so I'm not going to totally berate myself. Yet...if I procrastinated less over the last few weekends, I could actually be done. Que sera sera.

Over the last month, I started reading my horoscope online. I don't know why; maybe because it shows up on Google and that's my home page. And although Chris said that you can interpret it to fit anything, it seems as though they have been eerily accurate as of late. Nothing like knowing what your day has in store by reading a few vague lines each morning.

Friday was a bizarre day for me...it's kept me thinking, more than I should. I suppose that is how you react to something completely unexpected happening. Just the same, most of me knows that it's not worth ruminating about. Not everything has actual meaning behind it - sometimes it's all just about a few bottles of wine and some good conversation.

The weekend was quiet - good times with family, and way too much packing. I can't believe tomorrow is Monday already...where does the time off go?

But yeah, my head is full of random odds and ends. It's impossible to quiet my head when so much is going on. But I need to tell myself to quiet the thoughts I don't need to think about. I need to not focus on what isn't going to happen, but rather on what is happening.

Here's to another interesting week...

What we call managing expectations...

One of my all-time favorite movies is "Say Anything". In this movie, John Cusack has many great lines, but one in particular that often sums up life.

"You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed everything's kind of a pleasant surprise"

I try not to be cynical, to be more of an optimist. But how do you decide what you should truly have faith in, and who you can actually believe in?

The shortfallings of blind faith come in letting someone make everything seem better, knowing that s/he can just as quickly take all of it away. Part of you (maybe even most of you) knows how much pain that certain person can cause you, but just the same, the little moments always seem to count - maybe even more than they should.

Managing expectations - learning not to expect anything from people, and allowing yourself to be surprised. Always better than expecting people to rise above your expectations, and being disappointed.

Dear Creepy Morning Makeout Couple

On the rare days that my train is on time, I arrive in Penn Station at 8:23 a.m. Regardless, I am generally there by 9 a.m. I also should point out that I sleep on the train, so I'm not all that alert when I am getting off the train. Until my Starbucks is in hand, I'm in my own world, surrounded by whatever music is playing on my iPod.

I recently noticed this couple that takes the same train as me. I don't think they sit in the same car that I do, but then again, I sleep. Aside from the guy who sits next to me, gross snoring man who sits behind us, and the lady I refer to as "Spanish Si Lady" (she speaks Spanish on her cell phone, yet all you ever hear is very loud "Si! Si!"), I couldn't tell you who ten people in my train car are.

Anyhow, this couple gets off the train and stands to the side of the stairs on the platform and they literally swallow each other. This isn't a sweet kiss goodbye; it's straight up "let's get it on". They have their hands seriously all over each other, and this morning, he smacked her on the ass.

Does anyone really need to see this at 8:30 in the morning? What do they do on the train? I'm actually curious. The only reasonable explanation I have is that they're having an affair.

Otherwise, I just don't get it.

It's pretty gross, though.

Rainy Days and Mondays

...always get me down.

I'm so tired from the weekend, even more tired than when I legitimately go out. It's dark, rainy, and cold outside, the kind of weather where you would rather stay curled up in bed watching reruns of "Dawson's Creek" on television.

I sent in the application for my new apartment today - I'm so excited. I can't wait to spend the entire summer on the beach...provided the weather doesn't stay like this. Sweaters in June = wrong.

Brad's fiancee just sent me a link to their wedding website - I'm glad that this is happening a good two and a half years after I moved back to NY. Time sometimes makes all the difference in the world.

A Tribute to a Hero

Another person has died in Iraq.

His name is Matt Baylis, he was days from his 21st birthday, and he used to live two doors away from me. While I never knew him well, he was the younger brother of one of my brother's close friends. My brother saw him grow up, join the military, and go on to serve in Iraq.

My dad once told me that one of the hardest things about growing up is accepting that you will know more people who will pass away. The unfortunate fact is that while this is true, I find myself knowing a disproportionate number of people who die in senseless and tragic ways, rather than naturally.

Matt Baylis will be another name in the list of over 3,400 soldiers that have died in Iraq. When I was taking my quasi-grad classes, a professor used to post the list (I believe from the NY Times) of military people that lost their lives in Iraq. The visual effect was shocking.

Every day, we read another article proclaiming that nine people died in Iraq, five people were in a helicopter crash - people become statistics. We forget that these are individual people, who left behind families and friends, to serve as heroes and protect our safety. In today's world, we forget who heroes really are.

We just celebrated Memorial Day, which most of us view as another three day weekend. I spent it with one of my closest friends, whose husband passed away in a tragic helicopter crash just a few years ago. I read an article the other day, which reminded me that Memorial Day shouldn't be just one day - it isn't just a three day weekend, or a day for big sales. We need to better honor those who put their lives on the line for us, like Matt Baylis, for our freedom and well-being.

He was a true hero, and will always be remembered. Rest in peace, Matt.

And a forever tribute to another true hero, Lt. Pete Ober, who I miss more every single day.

Learning the hardest lessons

"Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment." - Evan Esar

People can be disappointing. It's as simple as that. If there is one lesson I should learn, it is that. I put too much faith in people that are undeserving.

I don't put enough trust in my instincts. I give people second chances who possibly never deserved a first chance. I forgive and forget much easier than I should.

Heartbreak sucks, but letting someone do it more than once is even worse. Once is enough.

Some people aren't worth your tears; some people aren't worth your time. Remembering who is truly important and who deserves you is not always as easy as it sounds.

Feeling sorry for yourself is a tiring act. Listening to depressing music only leaves you feeling worse. Especially when you know that things can (and will) be so much better in time.

Bill summed it up best this morning, when he gave me my new mantra for the week - "Well, if that's the best you could do, then your best sucks!"

Amen to that.

Desiderata

I found this poem yesterday and fell in love with it.

"Desiderata", by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Aside from the last stanza (? it's been too long since I studied poetry, because I mostly hate poetry), my favorite part is "And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." Although this sentiment is expressed to me almost daily, it is sometimes hard to believe. It often seems as though life is moving in the wrong direction, and the sequence of events add up to nothing good. Having faith that there is a plan behind it that I cannot see gives me comfort to wait out the rough patches.

Life has been kinda confusing lately, and I've been discouraged at times. But when it comes down to it, it's a beautiful life, and a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

And a great weekend this shall be...

Just for today

I used to be a dedicted journal writer - I penned my thoughts almost every day, starting during my freshman year of college. I'm not entirely sure why I stopped that ritual - it seemed that when my life was quiet (the times when I was settled), that I didn't have much to write about. My thoughts quieted, and I didn't feel the need to write to sort them out or clear my mind.

Looking back on these journals, I sometimes smile at what tragedy was rocking my world at seventeen, or what guy was breaking my heart at nineteen. While I can see countless ways in which I have grown, there are still a great many entries that could be written today and read the same.

In addition to what I wrote, I always pasted my concert ticket stubs in my journals, and I often clipped articles or other things that I read. If something impacted me enough to read it more than once, it had a place in my journal.

I woke up this morning and realized again, that I need to look at each day as one day, each hour as one hour. Life becomes overwhelming when you look at the big picture all the time. While it is necessary to have goals and far-reaching dreams, the individual steps that you take to get there are just as important, if not more important.

Thinking of this reminded me of something I clipped long ago. Ironically, it is from one of the advice columns (which I never read), and I think it is based on 12 step programs (like AA).

Here it is:

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.
I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct, and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today: I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully — if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

Today I will focus on what is happening at this moment in time, and not worry about tomorrow or the next day. I won't dwell on the future that scares me, or the things that bring me down. I will focus only on what is present, important, and makes me happy. I will deal with things as they come, rather than anticipating what's next.

It's a beautiful sunny day here in New York. I walked down the stairs of the subway this morning and got the B train within minutes (a true rarity). I've got my Starbucks and a muffin (since I ate four french fries for dinner last night). I'm going to see the Jesus and Mary Chain tonight at Webster Hall. Aside from the minor hangover I am sporting right now, I feel confident that it can be a good day.

Just for today - I will live through this day only.

Today I am grateful for.

..the "back" button on my cell phone.

Never text absentmindedly.

I can text better than anyone when I'm drinking. As a matter of fact, my ability to text while drinking seems to increase exponentially with the amount I drink (similar to my ability to dance, play darts, and shoot pool).

Yet I attempt to text sober today and almost send a message to the completely wrong person.

Lesson learned: when texting one person about someone else, don't send the text to the person you are talking about.

God bless the "back" button which saved me at the very last second

Overheard in New York

There is a website I used to enjoy reading, but rarely read anymore, Overheard in New York.

The site basically repeats snippets of completely absurd conversations, overheard in the streets of the City. Here is a gem from today:

Why They Don't Run FEMA Anymore
Bimbette #1: Wait, but, like... What state is Louisiana in, again?Bimbette #2: I don't know. Like, Arkansas?--56th & Madison

This morning, I honestly felt like submitting a few of my own. I have mentioned it before, and will say it again - I despise tourists. There is some definite irony in that, having grown up in New York (tourist central) and then living in Charleston (dependent on tourists to survive).

However, I think my living situations only escalated my disdain for them.

There is one Starbucks in Penn Station. Once you exit Penn Station, there is one every corner; but in Penn, there is just one. Needless to say the line is usually pretty long during rush hour in the morning. There were two Amtrak employees on line in front of me this morning. The woman, with her giant mountain of curly hair (clipped into poufy bow) turned to the man and drawled in her high pitch voice, "Back hoooome at Myrtle Beach, we've got a donut shop on every corner. You don't wait on no lines like these!" Okay. One, this isn't a donut shop. It's Starbucks. There are about 15 Dunkin Donuts in Penn, if you want a donut shop. There's also a Wings every corner in Myrtle Beach, and it's still trendy to wear that bow in your hair there, too.

Then, I was on the elevator in my building this morning listening to two guys who work for one of the Time Inc. entities on the ninth floor. They were discussing a new employee, who one guy said was his friend from college. The conversation went something like this:

Guy #1: So what do you think of the new guy?
Guy #2: Oh, he's my friend from school. I got him the job, even though we were in a hiring freeze. He had like five interviews, though.
Guy #1: Five interviews, huh. He must have interviewed with some pretty important people, like my dad, to get hired during a freeze.

Good to know nepotism is still alive and well in America.

The Fear You Won't Fall

I gravitate to certain types of music depending on the mood I am in. My state of mind seems to dictate what gets played on my IPod while I am walking to work, trying to tune out the world around me. When I am happy and life feels full of joy and promise, I tend to enjoy upbeat music - cheesy top 40, 80's music, bad pop. On the other hand, when I'm feeling down, my playlists can't include enough Damien Rice, Chris Isaak, and Elliott Smith.

Last night, while looking through ITunes for some new music, I stumbled upon the Joshua Radin song "The Fear You Won't Fall" and everything fell into place. I downloaded the entire album - it's beautiful. The downside is that after listening to all thirteen songs this morning on my way to work, I was in no mood to start my day on a bright note.

I am pure melancholy.

This is an album, much like "Forever Blue" by Chris Isaak that is written for the other half of a failed relationship, the person who left and took your heart with him (or her). Every song has the same message, little hope, and even less happiness.

The lyrics are beautiful, though.

I desperately need to snap out of the funk I'm in lately. There is much to look forward to in the near future, and I need to focus on that, rather than the negativity that is muddying my thoughts and overtaking my mindset.

No more Joshua Radin for today.

"Digging a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me air's getting thin but I'm trying I'm breathing in
Come find me
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought
I could
Can't get my mind off of you
I know you're scared that
I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd cal
lThought being alone
Was better than was better than
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you"
- "The Fear You Won't Fall"
Joshua Radin

Of Security Deposits and Wedding Bells

I spent a portion of the weekend looking at apartments, for my grand upcoming July 1 move. While I know that I want to live at the beach, my idea has been met with resistance by many, including my brother, who thinks I should live in Queens. His take is that Long Beach is simply filled with "just out of college kids and everyone from Long Island that we hate."

Regardless, over the next month, I need to find a suitable apartment within my means (easier said than done), pack all of my stuff, and put down the requisite first month - last month - security. Not to mention application fees, broker fees, etc. I miss the simplicity of apartment hunting in other states.

I miss my apartment in Charleston, that at its highest cost, was $665 a month. My apartment that was ten minutes to the beach and five minutes to downtown, in a complex with two pools, sand volleyball, tennis courts, basketball courts, and a hot tub. Now, it is a treat to get a dishwasher in a $1400/month apartment that is the size of my old screenporch.

Needless to say, the initial investment is quite large. While paying month to month rent will put a significant dent in the way I like to live, it's certainly feasible. I asked my mom if I could take money from a CD account that I have, a small inheritance that has gone untouched. She had no problem with this, as long as I left enough money in there to keep the account open. I questioned if my dad would have any objection.

She paused.

"Well, he said that he hoped you would keep that money for a wedding one day. That maybe he could loan you the money."

I didn't even know how to reply. Umm...a wedding. When am I having this wedding that I should be keeping this money aside for? Does having money put aside for a wedding sound a little creepy in this day and age? Just curious.

I think next time I am getting serious with someone, I'll throw out that card. "Guess what, I've got an inheritance account that can cover our wedding!"

Yeah.

So yesterday my brother was home and we were in the car together for about ten minutes (when he offered his "opinions" about where I should move). I told him what our dad had said about saving the money for a wedding, expecting that he would agree with me, that it was an insane concept.

His reply?

"Does he realize that wouldn't even cover 10% of a shit wedding nowadays?"

I'm still really not sure what the most disturbing part of this whole "how to spend the money" conversation was.

Always Wanting

5. Be more and have more

At the core, all of the above ideas can be summed up in a single method: simply convince yourself that you need more than you have at any given moment, and you will be able to maintain a steady feeling of anxiety throughout the day. This can be a feeling of needing to become more than you already are, or needing to have more than you have now (which are actually one and the same), and can be felt more generally as a perpetual sense of lack.

Brad sent me a link to this blog a few months back, which is entitled "5 Ideas for Stressful Living". Although it is intended as a tongue-in-cheek look at the way we intentionally make our lives stressful, I sadly realized that it mirrors the manner in which I live, more than it ought to.

I would be remiss if I said that the statement I posted above is the only one that I saw myself in. Rather, this statement was what really drove the point home, "One of the more absurd aspects of the ego is that it conditions you to actively seek negative results. It makes you think that what you want is peace, when its secret pleasure is always in conflict and negativity."

When do you ever feel that what you have is "enough"?

I can have an entirely "okay" day - in other words, the majority of things go right. But there's something missing, and the entire shift in balance leaves me lacking.

Yesterday was one of those days. In most terms, it was a decent day. Nothing actually bad happened, yet nothing remarkably good happened. And the one thing that could have made it feel like a "good" day didn't happen. In other words, I was (a) wanting more, (b) trying to control my world, and (c) trying to control the actions of another person. Three simple things that add so much more stress to my world.

As funny as that blog sounds when you read it, the reality of it all is less humorous. I think that I take steps to make my life less stressful, when in reality, my actions only make it more so.

I need to stop thinking that I'm on the brink of making my life better, and learn to live in the now. I need to learn to appreciate the one sunny, eighty degree day, rather than being discouraged when the ten day forecast shows nine days of rain following.

It is much more difficult to enjoy the present when you are always thinking that something equal or greater must follow. I need to stop always wanting more.

"Believe me that you're standing on the edge of something good.
And it's the hardest thing you ever had to do.
Truth be told you're begging on your knees
Singing please don't let it, please don't let it be."
- "Please Don't Let It Be
"The Alternate Routes

Today's horoscope

I love my customized Google page - it has ESPN headlines, People.com headlines, "actual news" headlines, and my daily horoscope (among other things).

Here is my horoscope for today: You may be uneasy and restless now, although normally you can make the best of any situation. Today, however, you can get lost in dreams of your future, even if these fantasies are not supported by the present circumstances. Give yourself permission to explore all possibilities, but don't confuse your ideas with reality.

Pretty interesting, huh. That sounds about right for me...

So I'm glad that I'm not nearly as sick as I was at the beginning of the week. I'm glad that it's Friday. I'm glad that tonight is Happy Hour and tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. My local minor league baseball team starts their season tonight. Life is pretty good on my end.

I just got a ticket to see one of the few bands that I love, but have never seen in concert, The Jesus and Mary Chain. I just signed up to play kickball again, on Monday nights in Riverside Park. I'm going to Virginia for a weekend in just two weeks.

I've got restless spring energy. I can't wait to go rollerblading, play golf at Robert Moses, lay out for hours on end, and go in the ocean. I can't wait to drink Coronas on the beach at sunset.

I'm so excited that summer is on its way.

Fleeting happiness

Between Saturday and yesterday, I spent a cool six hours in the Baltimore airport on layovers, which gave me more than enough time to watch a movie, read a book and then ponder until I fell asleep on my flight.

I just finished watching the movie, "The Freedom Writers" and then bought the book in the airport Borders - pretty interesting movie and book, even though the movie is a bit "MTV" at times (they produced it). Primarily, the movie appealed to me for the same reasons that "Coach Carter" did - one of my deepest desires has always been to really change someone's life in a positive way. Seeing movies, or reading stories about people who impact others in a positive and dramatic way always inspires me, but also forces me to look for meaning in all that I do.

As a writer, the topics written about by the students amazed me. While their stories were compelling, their writing style was really impressive for students that supposedly were "nothing" in the system. While you got a good feel for their writing in the movie, the book is the actual writing - and it shows so much more.

There is a part in the book, where the teacher shows them a poem that someone wrote. The person who wrote it attended college with her, and drowned in the San Francisco Bay shortly after writing it. More or less, it focused on the present and the future. After reading the poem, the teacher posed this question to the students - "'If you could live an eternity and not change a thing or exist for the blink of an eye and alter everything, what would you choose?"

We experience days, weeks, months, and even years where it seems that nothing is right. If we could change this, have that, everything would be better. Then, we experience that one fleeting moment where everything is perfect - the moment in time that you wish you could freeze. Yet nothing major has changed; your life simply handed you the moment you had been waiting for.
I'm coming off of a weekend that I could describe as perfect. While I was nothing but happy for a few days, coming back to reality hits that much harder. And the changes that would have to be made to make this more than just a fleeting moment, aren't likely or reasonable right now.

I wonder what it would be like to feel content - to not have the fleeting moments of extreme happiness, but rather a comfortable feeling of contentment. Would that be better that having those moments that leave you wanting more?

The Beauty in Leaving

"She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes"
- "Wide Open Spaces"
Dixie Chicks

I know there is a word for it, yet I don't know what it is. It's actually probably not a word, per se, but a psychological term or syndrome. Whatever it is – I have it and I'm feeling it.

From the time I was seventeen years old, I've moved as many times as I could count on both hands. The irony is this is that I never moved as a child – until seventeen, I was pretty stationary. I would be lying if I didn't spend the majority of those years counting the minutes until I could get out and start a new life for myself. I fancied escapism since the age I knew it was a viable option.

I wanted to go to college in California or Hawaii, as far away and as divergent from Long Island as humanly possible. My parents rejected that idea outright, and I soon discovered that Georgia was about as far away as they would let me go. Needless to say, reality did not meet up to my ideals and by the end of my first trimester I was ready to leave, to try something new. To be honest, if I hadn't met my college boyfriend at the beginning of my sophomore year, I doubt I would have stayed.

I insisted that I wouldn't return to New York after graduation, and I did, due to lack of opportunity elsewhere. I spent eight months living at home, working in the City, and going out every night in an effort to escape my dissatisfaction with the life I had.

The first opportunity to move again, I took. I packed my belongings and relocated to Charleston. With my dream career on deck and the promise of a bright future, everything was supposed to change. I tried every possible combination over the next few years: coupled, single, career-type job, waiting tables – yet nothing seemed to totally click. I would lie if I said I wasn't comfortable in Charleston; the job situation simply made it impossible to stay there.

So I moved back to New York, once again in search of opportunities and more room to make ever greater mistakes.

I have that feeling again; the feeling that if I don't make a change soon, it will become impossible for me to exist in my own world. Yet I know that it is the wrong time for me to leave – that moving and starting over would only present bigger problems.

Each day I feel as though I lose more of my faith, in things and people. It gets harder to look forward to the possibility that things can change. I feel like I am becoming more jaded, more cynical, and completely negative. It just feels impossible to be optimistic – to believe amongst all the chaos and bullshit that something real does exist.

I'm tired of being disappointed by people that I wrongly put faith in, trusted, or gave credit to. I'm over being hopeful about things that may never happen. It seems like the perfect time to pick up and go, to get away from all of the negativity that surrounds me and the people I need to get away from.

But does it ever really change anything?

"Some things you have to learn them all on your own
You can't rely on anybody else
Or the point of view of a source unknown
If it feels good and sounds nice
Then it's your choice
don't doubt yourself
Don't even think twice
Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
You know they like it when you smile
Find a reason to smile
Try not to focus on yourself
Share that love with someone else
Don't let the bitters bring you down"
- "Sooner or Later"
Michael Tolcher

It Is What It Is

My friend Joe and I were joking on the way home today about that phrase - "It is what it is." Basically, that needs to become my life's motto - I need to learn to let go of some things (namely what I cannot control) and accept that things "are what they are."

All day long, I have felt more stressed than I have in ages. It just seems like when your work life is making you crazy, if your personal life is reasonably calm, it doesn't seem as bad. And likewise. But when both are out of sync, the result is feeling like your head is going to explode.
That's exactly how I have felt all day today, like my head is going to explode.
I am notoriously a poor relaxer, when it comes to achieving balance. I relax well only when I have nothing else to think about (i.e. on vacation). When I attempt to relax otherwise, I pretty much fail miserably.

I want to quiet my head, to tell myself that most of what is causing me to stress so much is transient - that it will all pass. I try to tell myself that in the grand scheme of things, most of what is bothering me doesn't matter. Finally, I try to tell myself, "it is what it is" - in other words, it sucks that things aren't going right, but I have no power to change most of it.
I need to learn to compartmentalize - to reserve my stress for the things that matter (a.k.a the things worth stressing over) and for the things that I can control. I need to stop focusing on trying to figure out people that I don't understand. I need to trust my instincts more than I generally do.

I just hate feeling "off"...it's one of the worst feelings in the world.

A Lot Like Love

I love Netflix – it is one of my favorite things. Last week, in a failed effort to entertain myself while commuting, I discovered "Movie Notes", a feature on Netflix which allows you to send your friends remarks about the movies they rate. When I first went on the page, it showed "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", which Jayme rated 5 stars. I posted her a movie note, stating "Eternal piece of garbage." Needless to say, this inspired her ire. Within minutes, I received numerous "Movie Notes" from her, my personal favorite which read. "You've got to be fucking kidding me. This movie was awesome. How could your taste in music be so good and your taste in movies so bad?"

I confess – my taste in movies is often, at best, shameful. The movies I favor can generally be described as insipid, predictable, and generic. Knowing this, you will forgive me for watching (and somewhat enjoying) the movie I am about to reference.

A year or so ago, I stumbled upon "A Lot Like Love", which stars (I use that term loosely) Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet. From memory, they are college students who meet on a cross-country flight. They immediately sense a "connection" and share an amazing day together. Amanda Peet plays the role of the flighty girl – she has no definite plans and likes to live life as it happens. Ashton Kutcher, on the other hand, has every minute of his life planned out. He is going to graduate college, start a company, make millions, purchase a house, and then, get married. In that order. He is so confident in this plan that he gives her his parents' phone number and encourages her to call them in seven years, when all of this will be accomplished.
One can guess – life throws him a curveball. As he starts to accomplish these milestones, she comes back into the picture and he refuses to find a place for her. After all, the girlfriend marriage thing is the last factor in his equation. Until the other steps are complete, there's no sense in even trying.

Slowly, his world starts to crumble. His Internet start up goes bottoms-up, he has to sell his place and ends up moving home with his parents. In other words, life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

In my younger years, I was the biggest planner. I attempted to break my entire future into specific parameters, arbitrary deadlines, and little black and white boxes that everything was expected to fit into. I was to be married at 24, have my first kid at 26 and my second at 28. Now that I am knocking on 28's proverbial door, with no husband and no kids, I realize that this goal should probably be adjusted. In reality, when I look back on my 24th year, it was better spent that way, than if I had been married. I had no idea when I formulated that milestone, what 24 would really be like.

We all have plans; we all have goals. If we didn't, there would be no reason to get out of bed each day. But what we're often guilty of, is not being flexible enough. Much like the doomed Ashton Kutcher character in "A Lot Like Love", we think that life has a definite path – that B must follow A, and must also precede C. That if life doesn't happen in this fashion, that the outcome will surely be lessened. In other words, if we meet someone when we don't plan to, that our other life plans will suffer. In reality, this is hardly the case – we're often slow to realize that a slight shift in expectations and plans can often result in an even better future than we anticipated.

I have spent many periods of my life, telling myself things like, "This isn't the time for me to be in a relationship, I need to be single." Or "This is the time that I need to focus on work and not be distracted by other things." But life doesn't wait for you – it happens when it wants to. And when all is said and done, it is up to you to have your eyes open to opportunities and possibilities, and not to let them pass you by because it simply wasn't the day you expected them to come.

What are the odds?

I am a magnet for the uncanny, although I wish it would impact my life in other ways, such as winning the lottery. If I was to think of specific instances where my life seemed to defy the odds of actuality, I could probably create a small list. Certain experiences stand out more than others, of course. One such being years ago when I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend in the supermarket, when I foolishly opted to leave my apartment in the rain, after cleaning all day. Needless to say, I'm sure I made quite a lasting impression. At the time, I thought to myself, "What are the odds?" Of all the supermarkets in town, of all of the days, of all the exact times to crave brownies badly enough to leave my apartment looking the way I did.

When I moved back to New York, Brad and I drove my car; my parents drove the moving truck. Brad and I were almost out of town when my parents called to let us know they were stopping for bagels, the bagel store being next to my apartment complex. We turned the car around, entered the bagel store, just in time to see same ex with girlfriend (by then fiancee') on line. It was almost as if the scenario had been prearranged, just to see one last time the life I knew I was leaving behind, moving ahead from. Again, what were the odds?

I met a guy last month, on Ash Wednesday in a random church on Park Avenue. I was sick, looking possibly as awful as could be, and I chose a seat next to him. The Mass took place on a warm day (well, warm for NYC) and they had the doors open. Not only was the lunchtime Mass exceedingly crowded, but the doors being open did nothing to aid in hearing the words of the Mass. Eventually, I turned to him to see if he could hear anything, or if I was simply deaf that day. He couldn't either. The entire Mass was an entertaining circus; people bumrushed the altar to get their ashes and Communion, there was no music, and you couldn't hear a word they said. We started talking, and exchanged information for a future-to-be-determined-date...possibly for lunch.

While we have talked online for the past handful of weeks, we have never met up. Our schedules have constantly clashed, I went on vacation, he works long hours.

I exited my train this morning in Penn Station, and headed to Starbucks to get my coffee. Yes, I'm extremely ritualistic. Now as a journalist by nature, I wish I had a statistic to back this next point up. I'm going to have to guess "millions" of people walk through Penn Station each day. You rarely see the same faces twice (except for the select homeless who are always in the same spot at the same time of day, every day). In walking to Starbucks, I looked up and there he was, walking in the opposite direction. We exchanged surprised glances, he ended up treating me to coffee, and we walked to work together.

What are the odds?

"Serendipity. It's such a nice sounding word for what it means: a fortunate accident."

Resonation

Bittersweet: both pleasant and painful or regretful

I awoke this morning to a feeling of bewilderment - mostly due to the fact that I am basically running on empty as of late. My sleep and awake times are all over the place, with no rhyme or reason determining either. I have been travelling constantly, with little time to spend on the little things that make your day run smoothly. I am tired of cold weather, tired of snow; I lost my gloves before I left for Arizona and haven't found five minutes since to look for them.

It's been a complicated week, at least in my own mind. My mind has been battling both my heart and my conscience on a number of issues, and coming to no strong conclusions. The hectic nature of my world has made it difficult to focus on being where I should be in my life right now. I've been making decisions that I'm not sure of lately, acting in a way that isn't consistent with what I really want.

Brad told me last night that he is getting married. I know that I am happy for him, and a year ago, this news would have definitely been harder to accept. While I know that I am grateful to see him happy, it still leaves me feeling contemplative about my own world - my past, my present, my future. Something about other people's lives moving forward always makes me question my own direction.

There is an unavoidable feeling that follows anticipation - I am in that place right now. Vacation is over, my weekend is over...both events I had been anticipating for quite some time. My next weeks appear to be full of stress, with little specifics to look forward to. I miss waking up each day, knowing that something worth waiting for is on the horizon.

I want to be happy, to remove the parts of my life that are causing my mind to feel uneasy. I want to feel energized and excited, optimistic and hopeful. I want to feel confident in my decisions, and both safe and comfortable in my relationships. I want something to look forward to in my world that isn't fleeting.

"Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping
And all of your searching
For what?
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Take away from me
This monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's
Not gonna solve nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Could it be this
Could this be bliss
Could it be all that I ever had missed
Could it be true
Can life be new
And can I be used
Can I be used

Give me a reason
For life and for death
A reason for drowning
While I hold my breath
Something to laugh at
A reason to cry
With everyone hopeless
And hoping for something
To hope for
Yeah, with something to hope for"

- "Life And Love And Why"
Switchfoot