For some reason, it just works...

"And everybody wants to be special here
They call your name out loud and clear
Here comes a regular, call out your name
Here comes a regular, am I the only one here today"
- "Here Comes a Regular"
The Replacements

At times I hear a song and feel as though it speaks to my soul. It's not simply the lyrics; it's not necessarily the music. Something about that song resonates within me. I could play it repeatedly and get the same feeling each time -- that something indescribable about it matters.
I often wish more songs made me feel that way, but in a way I am grateful that so few do. Otherwise, that feeling would deaden, and it would be yet another emotion that I take for granted.
I half joked today that I am heading towards apathy. The sad part is, it is only, as I said, half of a joke. The more significant part is probably true.
Sometimes it is better not to feel, not to think. Not to try to understand, not to be understanding. It is better to be the person who thinks that little really matters, rather than to be the person whom everything matters to. It has to be easier.
I'm tired of feeling; thinking and emoting have become played out. I find myself being taken in by apathy.
I hear "Here Comes a Regular" and something feels different. It's not that everything that I'm trying to compartmentalize and neatly pack away is resurfacing...it's just that something matters, and for once, I don't question why.

Tired Excuses

"Then the fire fades away
But most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily"
- "Other Side of the World"
KT Tunstall

Certain days I wake up, ready to embrace the day, dreaming big. I feel as though things are going to happen, big changes, important steps towards a bright future.
Some days I think that the world is a decent place - that people are basically good, and that it all seems worthwhile. These are the days that I find hope in the unknown, believing that something amazing can and will happen.
Other days, I find are full of tired excuses. Things don't change, people aren't what you hope or expect they can be. Life feels worn.
It's not necessarily that anything has changed - some days just feel better than others. It's so simple to give up - to believe that you will never get the job you dreamed of, never find the love you deserve, never accomplish all that you hoped to.
It's much easier to put the fire out, than to try to keep it kindling.
Days like today...there are few things I love more than espresso.

"'Do you wanna run away together?'
I would say it was your best line ever.
Too bad I fell for it..."
- The Good Kind
The Wreckers

Great Expectations

"It was the hope of all we might have been
that filled me with the hope to wish impossible things
To wish impossible things
But now the sun shines cold and all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
and all I wish is gone away"
- "To Wish Impossible Things"
The Cure

Regardless of result and circumstance, I have always remained an optimist at heart. Where my views may sometimes come across as negative, deep inside I believe mostly in the good in people.
No matter how things have ended, or what failings I have experienced in people, I maintain certain expectations. I believe that there is love, and that there is a way for people to show that feeling.
I convinced myself for a long time that I was shutting myself off from people; that I was separating myself to avoid dealing with the possibility of hurt. If something went wrong, I blamed myself. I acted different than other people did, and perhaps if I tried acting another way, things would change.
Moreso than ever before, I see the people around me in relationships that I envy - the type of relationships that I aspire to be a part of. Relationships built around love, mutual respect, and the promise of a real future.
The more I saw people engaged in these type of relationships, the more hope I began to have for myself. What once seemed impossible seemed within my grasp, and with that, I found faith in myself and my future.
Quickly, so quickly, my fleeting optimism turns to denial. My expectations return to where they once were, and I'm left feeling discouraged. Wondering what it is that I deserve, and why that should be different from anyone else.