Interesting...

"And while I don't think I'd be any good at being a boy, given the fact that I am constantly afraid, constantly crying, and characteristically weak, I envy the fact that boyhood's rules are consistent. Being male is not a mess of contradictions, the way being female is. It is not trying to resolve how to be both desirable and smart, soft and sturdy, emotional and capable."
- "Smashed"
Koren Zailckas

I read that passage from the book last night, and it truly resonated with me...which is funny, because I should be voted "least likely to be a feminist." Generally, I overlook things that talk about how hard it is to be female...I don't really buy into that mindset.
But that one paragraph is so true - being female really is a constant contradiction that places emphasis on opposing ideals. As a woman, you are expected to fit all of these different molds, all of which are in direct opposition with one another.
I'm sure that guys could argue they deal with a similar fate, trying to fit different roles that perhaps they don't fit. But at this moment, I really relate with that statement, and feel grateful that someone else felt the confusion that I never quite knew how to express.

Regeneration of Belief

"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now
Here he comes
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
When you were young"
- "When You Were Young"
The Killers

I had forgotten what it was like - to meet someone that really wants to know me, the me that I don't usually show the world. We're all made of these complex facades - different faces for different people and different situations.
I've always been good at being "one of the guys" - after all, most of my interests are more male than female oriented (minus my obsession with clothes shopping...) I've always been able to fold myself into "guy conversations" - about girls and sex, among other things - without blinking. Then it got to the point in which I thought these were the only conversations I could have with guys. I knew that where I could have these conversations with some degree of comfort, something was missing.
I was starting to believe that the world had changed, that the guy and the relationship I had once imagined no longer existed. For some reason, it always seems that when we are ready to give up, a person appears in our lives to fufill a purpose.
My mindset has changed...within days. Perhaps I am being foolishly optimistic - doing what everyone is telling me not to do - getting my hopes up that this could be something real.
I just feel happy...the kind of happy where I am walking around with a smile on my face and the little things have barely troubled me. He is exactly how I imagined a guy should be...he's showing me that what I began to think didn't exist, does. And wow, it's amazing.

Enough to Make Me Smile

"I've never been so colorfully-see-through-head before
I've never been so wonderfully-me-you-want-some-more
and all I want is to keep it like this."
- "From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea"
The Cure

I want to meet a guy who can make me smile.
Not necessarily just make me laugh, but make me smile. The kind of smile that you feel inside, that reflects true happiness - not just temporary bliss.
I remember the feeling, when everything you want is just to be with a person. Every time you see him, you're happy and there is no reason to question why.
I realize that I miss that feeling - I want to find someone who can make me feel that again.

The Downside of Perfectionism

"Perfectionism is simply putting a limit on your future. When you have an idea of perfect in your mind, you open the door to constantly comparing what you have now with what you want. That type of self criticism is significantly deterring. "
- John Eliot, Ph.D.,
Reverse Psychology for Success

The key is to stop seeking perfection - to accept what is, and to find beauty in the things that may be a little less than ideal. To stop the comparisons, halt the concept that something else is always higher up or better.
To think that there is only one solution to a "problem", only one person who can be your soulmate, only one career that can be perfect - you are most certainly limiting your future and your ability to be content.
Find contention in what you have, rather than comparing it to what others have and what you are lacking. Otherwise, the likelihood of finding what is right for you will surely decline.

Who wins the battle of head vs heart?

"Oh, why'd ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you,
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well"
- "Goodnight and Go"
Imogen Heap

At times I can be logical. I let my head rule my actions, rather than my less logical emotions. This is when I trust my perspective.
Last night, I almost felt logical. One simple thing that he said lent clarity to the situation. The funny part is that our situation is really more black and white than I wanted to view it as. It seemed easier to view it as shades of gray. Doing so gave me more leeway and excuses for our actions.
Why is it when you really like a person, it becomes easier to make excuses for things that don't normally make sense?

Sometimes they write the song for you

"So when you ask 'Is something wrong?'
I think 'You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now.'
So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
- "Tiny Vessels"
Death Cab for Cutie

Perception is reality.

A person can make any event or moment seem meaningful to you, if you are willing to believe it has meaning... even if he doesn't think that it does.

I find myself frustrated - he is being open, he is being honest - he doesn't want what I do. Yet sometimes it seems easier to be with a deceitful person - one who isn't honest, but gives you the perception that it matters.