The Order in Disorder

When I was younger, I remember looking for my missing shoes when my mom asked me if I had looked in the closet for them. I must have given her a totally bewildered look in response; after all, unless someone else put them away, the last place I expected to find them was in the closet. Perhaps they would be on the floor on the landing or under the bed - but most likely not in my closet.

I've never been a neat and organized "type A" by nature - yet to a certain degree, I always felt I existed better in my own version of chaos. I understand my systems and I know (for the most part) the logical place (by my assertation) to find my belongings.

I go through phases - when I have the time, energy and motivation to do a massive "spring cleaning" I exert the effort to keep order in my home. Otherwise, I generally do the bare minimum to keep it up - do the dishes, clean the bathroom, do my laundry and throw away garbage as needed. In other words, my place may not always be totally organized, but it's not dirty.

Mail is my worst enemy when it comes to keeping my place (and life) in order. Most days, I grab the mail on the way in from work when my hands are already full. It is the first thing to land on the table and often stays there for days on end. By the end of the week, the table is half covered in magazines, catalogs, credit card offers and bills.

As much as I hate to admit it, my life feels more together when it is in order. Surprisingly enough, by taking literally two minutes to make my bed in the morning, my room feels more peaceful and conducive to order.

I realized recently that I had let the first weeks of the year go - I was trying to sort through a few things personally and everything else just seemed, well, less important. Then I decided to take charge and put the pieces back in order. The chaos in my home extended to the chaos in my life - I needed a resurrection of routine. I needed to start eating actual meals again - not just a combination of whatever I could "prepare" in the shortest amount of time and with the fewest number of dishes. I needed to not sleep absurd amounts of hours on the weekend. I needed to keep lists of the errands that needed to be accomplished on the weekend and actually see that they were done. I needed to get back on budget and watch where my money was going. I needed to stop watching "The City" on DVR and start going back to the gym regularly.

I am a believer that when you take steps to "try at life," good things come your way. I always feel like when I was living my life the fullest for myself that things (mostly) seemed to be better. We all deserve a few days (or weeks) to fall out of routine and mope about the things that aren't going our way. But then, you need to wake up and think about what it is that you really want.

It might not seem like throwing away the junk mail and cooking a dinner (just for yourself) are the most exciting and life affirming things. But sometimes just making your bed can bring a little more order to an already chaotic day.

The winter of our discontent?

"For instance, at some point in your year (every year) it seems your life hits a "winter phase" of coldness and darkness with very little growth and fertility - a phase that gets you thinking: 'Oh no. That's it, my life is over. Everything good is gone. The world sucks.' Only to find that ... whaddyaknow ... your winter phase ends and the Spring Law arrives to spring you free into a phase filled with renewal and growth and brightness. Then comes your summer phase, followed by your fall phase, follow by winter, spring, summer, etc ... etc ..."
- how to be HAPPY, dammit
By Karen Salmansohn

The meteorologists say that this is the coldest winter we have experienced in five years - coincidentally the coldest winter we've had since I returned to New York. Not only is the cold bone-chilling, it seems like it snows every single day. I can't remember the last time that it snowed this many days.

I've never understood people who enjoy snow, cold weather and winter in general, being a person who loves to be barefoot and outdoors. I miss the days when I didn't own a winter coat in Charleston, when all I needed was my Patagonia fleece.

I've been sick since last Wednesday with some variant of the cold-flu that everyone in New York is currently harboring. Being sick in the depths of winter essentially transforms you into a "shut-in" - I left my apartment once between Wednesday morning and Friday evening, and that was to go to 7-11 to buy juice and Pop-Tarts. By the time Friday evening rolled around, I was eager to leave the confines of my apartment and to see another face.

Emotionally, winter just feels draining. It feels like everything has just stopped and that time is going to stand still until spring rolls around. Thankfully, we have that hope to hold out to - knowing that sooner or later, change is going to come and life is going to start moving again.

We stand up and brush ourselves off.

We count the days that the sun shines, rather than the days it snows (and hope they outnumber one another!)

We look forward to St. Patrick's Day (my favorite day of the year) which is practically just around the corner.

And we know that things will get better. The Spring Phase of life is coming soon.

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

Movies.books.tv

I once went almost two years without seeing a movie in the theaters after paying $12 to see "Elizabethtown." I should point out that I had just moved back to New York and was unfamiliar with paying more than $6 for a movie (with my roughly five year expired student ID), but it truly says something about a movie when it inspires you to stop going to see them, altogether. I eventually started going back to see movies, but I'm not what one calls an avid moviegoer. I tend to see previews for movies and then add them to my Netflix queue - eventually the movies will make their way to my mailbox. For this reason alone, it was surprising that I saw two "current" movies this past week - "Marley & Me" and "The Reader."

A friend had proposed seeing "Marley & Me" as a New Year's afternoon outing - while it wasn't a movie that I was dying to see, getting out of my apartment and spending the day with friends seemed like a good idea. Now I won't ruin it for you (in case you are planning to see it) but my other friend revealed a KEY DETAIL regarding the movie, the night before we saw it. It then became known as "the movie where (fill in the blank with spoiler)." All in all, a cute movie - nothing cinematically spectacular, but a fun afternoon distraction.

On Friday, my mom and I planned to see "Australia" - although I heard less than spectacular things about it, my love for Baz Luhrmann was enough inspiration to go ("Moulin Rouge" is one of my all-time favorite films). Sad but true, it was already out of the theaters. Determined to still see a movie together, we looked through the listings and chose "The Reader." "The Reader" could also be known as "the movie where Kate Winslet is topless for 80% of it." I swear, every other scene showed Kate without a top. It was a strange movie - at times I liked it, at times it dragged. It was also a little more depressing than what I really needed to be watching.

My Netflix rental this week was a movie that I was very excited about, ever since it premiered at Sundance - "American Teen." While I was quite a fan of "Laguna Beach" (and should subsequently be ashamed to admit that), this documentary probably hits home for more people as to what high school is really like in most of the country. Parts of it must have appealed to the side of me that loved "Freaks and Geeks" - while it is fun to sometimes delve into escapism, a little dose of reality is good every once and again. If you watch it, let me know if you were as disgusted by Megan as I was.

I read a book this past week that I don't recommend and I am partway into a book that I actually like quite a bit. "Hurry Down Sunshine" by Michael Greenberg gets a big thumbs-down. I first read a review of this book in New York and added it to my "to-read" queue - upon reading it, I was nothing except disappointed. I think the book focused too much on the dysfunction of all the adults and their relationships. I also am sort-of intolerant of people who use New Age philosophy as a cover/cure for mental illness.

On the other hand, I just started "The Book of Mychal" by Michael Daly and I am truly enjoying it. This biography is about Father Mychal Judge, the iconic priest who served as the chaplain of the FDNY and died in the Twin Towers collapse. I am only about five chapters deep but it is refreshing to read about someone who pursued the Catholic priesthood knowing that he wanted to be a different kind of priest. Where so much of religion is centered on judgment and "not listening", Father Mychal was determined to bring the exact opposite to Catholicism. The more I read of this book and his life, the more I realize what Catholicism (and religion as a whole) is supposed to stand for.

Firing up the DVR ... "Gossip Girl" is back this week and we've got another episode of "Intervention" tonight (hopefully significantly less disgusting than last week's feeding tube gem). We've got "The City" tonight, which reinforces everything I dislike about New York and could be even worse than "The Hills." Last but not least, "Real World: Brooklyn" starts on Wednesday. I haven't watched the "Real World" since Seattle (1997? maybe?) but I'm curious about this one.

The Last Hours of 2008

New Year's Eve has traditionally not been one of my favorite holidays; expectations wise, you could probably put it on par with Valentine's Day. Though I can't really remember a New Year's Eve that I absolutely loved (I can remember one Valentine's Day, though), I continue to attempt to celebrate it every year.

Plain and simple - the weather absolutely sucks in New York today. The roads are perilously covered in layers of water, black ice, snow and more ice. The temperature is in the 20s right now and is working its way down to single digits. The wind is blowing in circles (a la the Patriots-Bills game this past weekend) - uprights couldn't stand a chance outside my apartment right now. By morning, the wind chill will probably hit zero, according to the Weather Channel. Yet, I am doing what I do best - choosing an absolutely unseasonable outfit to wear out tonight in hopes of ringing in a better 2009. Nothing says I respect northern winter weather like a sleeveless dress with bare legs and open toed shoes ...

I've mentioned before that I'm mildly superstitious - one of those superstitions relates to New Year's Eve. I wish I could remember when or where I heard it and on days like today, I wish I never had. I once heard that how you spend New Year's Eve reflects what your coming year is going to be like. So being superstitious and already having the cards stacked against my NYE 2008, I am hoping to defeat the odds for 2009.

When I ring in 2009, he who should have been my NYE date will be working (if you're planning to drive after drinking tonight, stay out of East Rockaway ...) and I will be out with one of my best friends, braving the cold (in my oh-so-cute $19 party dress from Nordstrom) and enjoying a flute of champagne. Tomorrow morning starts a new year and Kristen's Facebook status says it best - "Kristen has decided to focus on what's going to make her happy in 2009 after spending the day at the happiest place on earth."

So raise a glass and toast to better times in 2009 - hoping that superstitions don't always come true.

Another top ten list

About ten years ago, MTV aired one of the greatest countdown specials ever - the top 25 lamest videos of all time. Supposedly, after showing the 25 videos, the reels would be destroyed, never to be shown again. If this is the case, future generations will certainly lose out. While many of the below videos are from that special, I have a few additional favorites.

In no particular order, I give you my top ten best videos of all time.



10. "Oh Sherrie" by Steve Perry
Note that "Sherrie" (his actual girlfriend at the time) is actually in this video, sporting a sexy white dress. Does anyone actually understand the point of the proposed medieval plotline? Be sure to pause right before he comes down the stairs - his jeans really need to be tighter. I also love when he uses a broom as a guitar. Epic.



9. "Rosanna" by Toto
I love her dramatic ponytail flip (~0:30) and the mug on the lead singer. He sings with so much emotion.



8. "Rock Me Tonite" by Billy Squier
Is it his Flashdance get-up? His flouncing in a pink leotard on the floor of his loft? His pole dancing? I do love the way he tosses his laundry about the room.

7. "Separate Ways" by Journey
This video cannot be embedded, but it can be linked. It absolutely must be included in this list. I love this woman, all decked out in her tight leather skirt and high heels, walking around in a lumberyard on a dock. I love Steve Perry's shirt from Chess King. I love the way their instruments materialize, as if from thin air. I love the way Journey materializes from thin air. No one sings with more emotion than Steve Perry - not the seven lead singers from Journey that have followed him or even that guy from Toto. No one.



6. "After the Rain" - by Nelson
I think I owned this cassingle. I always hope that when I get in a fight with my parents, that my bedside Nelson poster will come to life and save me. I also love the dramatic use of Native Americans, feathers and perms in this video.



5. "Escape" by Rupert Holmes
Everyone knows that I love this song. I may love Rupert Holmes even more after seeing this performance. So it's not a traditional "music video" ... but that doesn't make it any less fabulous.



4. "November Rain" by Guns n Roses
God, I loved this song and video when I was in junior high. I even thought that skanky wedding dress was pretty hot. Does anyone really know what really happened in this video? I just love the rain ... the cake ... Slash jamming on the guitar in front of the church.

3. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!
Another one that can't be embedded - so sad! Appreciate the "Choose Life" shirts, George Michael's short-shorts and fabulous gloves ... the lighting, the effects, his chunky back-up dancers. Excellent, all around.

2. "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by Crash Test Dummies
Another non-embed! I think this video was about child abuse, but I can't get past the creepy expressions on his face when he hums. I think they're Canadian, too. Is this what children's theater looks like in the land up North?



1. "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul
So I owned this cassette, too. I owned the trifecta at age nine(ish) - Debbie Gibson, Tiffany and Paula Abdul. Then I segued into hair bands. What is with this video? Was the animation supposed to be new and cool? Horrid.

Christmas Magic

"I wish I could just stop
I know another moment will break my heart
Too many tears
Too many times
Too many years
I've cried for you
It's always the same"
- "From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea"
The Cure

I wrote possibly the longest "apology" that I have ever written in my life today; the e-mail was actually 2,452 words. I can guess that only three paragraphs were devoted to the actual apology. I made that last night. The rest of it was everything I had wanted to say before, but either couldn't find the words for, or was to scared to say.

The sad thing is that the more friends I tell the story to, it turns out that I'm not exactly at fault. It's not to say that I didn't do something that was wrong - but I could be putting my efforts somewhere that they don't belong.

I once read that you should never shed tears for someone who you know won't cry over you. I wish my head could overrule my heart. I wish that I could go back 24 hours in time and not make the same mistake again. But I tell myself - people make mistakes. We're not meant to be perfect. The best I can do is apologize and hope to be forgiven.

Unfortunately, we can't control when things go bad. Yet somehow it seems harder to be dealing with fallout right before Christmas. Christmas seems like a time when everything should be perfect ... or as perfect as it could be.

Is it possible to still believe in Christmas magic, even when you're 29 years old?

"It was the hope of all we might have been
That filled me with the hope to wish impossible things
But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all I wish is gone away"
- "To Wish Impossible Things"
The Cure

Good Luck Jen

"My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy." - Charlie, "Good Luck Chuck"

I probably would never have seen this movie had I not thought it was written about my life. The only solace I find is that someone else was in the exact same predicament as I am - you'd have to be, to come up with this plotline.

For those of you who haven't seen the movie, here's the IMDB synapsis: "In order to keep the woman of his dreams from falling for another guy, Charlie Logan has to break the curse that has made him wildly popular with single women: Sleep with Charlie once, and the next man you meet will be your true love." Basically substitute "date" for "sleep with," and you've got my life for the past ten years.

Everyone I date marries the girl he dates after me. At first I thought it was a coincidence. Then I chalked it up to growing older. Now I am starting to think it's a curse, as I discovered today that yet another guy I dated is getting married to the girl he began dating after me. For the most part, the guys have been pretty insignificant, and the ones who did matter, I was more or less over by the time I was notified of their pending nuptials.

Today's news came on the tail of a not-so-great week, which is why it may have bothered me more than it should. While I just got back last night from a great vacation out west which involved everything from hiking to drinking to snowboarding, my mind was battling something that was left wide open before I left - and to be honest, it still is.

Every vacation has a soundtrack, songs that you overplay that always remind you of a person and of a place. For this trip it was "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot." Thanks a lot, XM, for introducing me to this song exactly when I didn't need it.

"I hope you find out what you want
I already know what I am"
- The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
Brand New

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?" - "High Fidelity"

Happiest

"Today is the greatest day
I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow
Tomorrow's much too long"
- "Today"
Smashing Pumpkins

I was in my car the other day thinking about the last time in my life that I was happiest - not to be confused with "happy" but truly "happiest." The funny thing about remembering your life in retrospect is that you know that life was never perfect. Yet you can remember certain phases of your life as seeming pretty close to it. When you're truly happy, life's ups and downs don't hit you as hard and things that would bother you on other days don't even seem to register.

I will always remember the spring of my sophomore year of college as being "The Greatest Time of My Life." I was 18-19 years old, in love for the first time, making the best grades I had ever made and the future seemed nothing but bright. It was a time of many firsts and I remember feeling like my entire world was ahead of me. It sounds cliche, but it was true. It felt like everything I had waited for in my life was finally there.

The last time in my life that I remember being truly happy for an extended period of time was in early 2004. I was living in Charleston and had just began a new job after a solid year of hunting. I was in the early stages of dating someone that I quickly fell unreasonably head over heels for (one of the moments when you know your heart clearly overruled your head). I was running almost daily and I felt full of energy. My days and nights were always full and life just seemed in its simplest form to be full and complete.

It was easy to see why it didn't stay that way as each of the positives took a turn for the negative. I went through a prolonged and confusing break-up with said boyfriend. The job turned out to be less than expected, leading me to resign at year's end. The next year, I moved back to New York.

It's not to say that I haven't been happy with my life since, or in New York in general. I have a wonderful job and I have good friends who are always fun to be with. Just the same, I look back with a sense of wistfulness for a time like that again.

As you get older, your expectations change. Even though there will be better and stronger loves in your life, there will never be a second "first love." There will never be another "first job out of college" or another 25th birthday. It becomes even harder to feel truly happy when the things you looked forward to about getting older don't seem to be happening - life seems to stand still.

If you have love you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it it doesn't matter much what else you do have." - J.M. Barrie

Super Me

David Bailey: All or nothing. Tonight I'll be the super me.
Steve Dunne: What if the super you meets the super her and the super her rejects the super you?
David Bailey: Then it's no problem.
Steve Dunne: Uh-huh. Why?
David Bailey: Because it was never you, it was just an act. I live my life like a French movie, Steve.
- “Singles”

For anyone who knows me, it was a sign of the apocalypse. His criticism was that I don’t talk enough – words I have definitely never heard before. After a month and a half, he felt like he didn’t know me at all and that perhaps we didn’t “click” – we spent too much time in silence and that I didn’t seem to have any real opinions about anything. Basically, he could tell that, at times, there were things I wanted to say to him but that I was more or less looking at him with a “blank stare.”

In trying to be the super me, I had become my own worst enemy – a Stepford Wife: fawning, submissive, quiet and rather un-opinionated. And the super me was rejected.

I was trying too hard. I felt that by being quiet, unassuming, agreeable and interested, I was putting forth the perfect version of myself … except it wasn’t me. At what point do we become afraid to be ourselves - that who we are isn’t enough to offer someone?

I knew I was doing it, but I didn’t realize that it was having the completely wrong effect. I was wrongly trying to let someone who I really liked, get to know someone that wasn’t me at all. Don’t get me wrong – I wasn’t completely pretending to be someone I’m not. I honestly believe that I am a person who cares about others and feels rewarded in knowing that I make those around me happy.

But I’m not a doormat. I’m not quiet. I’m actually kind of obnoxiously talkative. I tend to tell people more about me than they need to know upfront. I have opinions on just about anything, even though I hate to argue. I’m rarely assertive, though, and it takes awhile for me to become truly comfortable being an honest version of myself with others.

Learning to communicate is one of the biggest obstacles that couples face. I regret that I didn’t feel confident enough to be myself – that I was scared it wasn’t enough. While I am hopeful that second chances can be had and that this can be given a viable shot, sometimes all you can gain is experience … and hope not to make a similar mistake in the future.

Siriusly?

Five days a week, I drive less than a mile per day - to and from the train station. The other days, I don't drive a whole lot more; I run errands, visit friends and occasionally take the trip to my parents' house. I could not live without my XM Radio, though.

When satellite radio first came out, I knew that I had to have it. Anyone who has ridden in the car with me can vouch that I am completely ADD when it comes to the radio. I will flip through my 30 preset stations in search of the perfect song and then do it all over again when the song ends. I love that satellite radio has very little talk, great variety of genres and often plays songs that you wouldn't otherwise hear. Satellite radio also keeps you from being punished by "whatever the local flavor is" - i.e. country and Christian rock in the south, Spanish music in Arizona ... I've been subjected to it all on road trips.

For the past year or so, there were rumblings of a Sirius/XM merger. Anyone who pays for each service adamantly believes s/he has the better satellite radio offering. Months rolled on and everyone wondered how the merger would take place - would one company overtake the other? I was happy with XM the way it was.

Then one morning a few weeks ago, I turned on my car to find that "Ethel" had been replaced with "Alt Nation." "Lucy" had been overtaken by "Lithium" and I suddenly had an entire station dedicated to the Grateful Dead. The companies silently merged the two station offerings, leaving the listener with Sirius/XM - a cornucopia of radio stations.

Presets were supposed to remain the same genre - in other words, Lucy played "alt-90s rock." Sirius' version, Lithium, theoretically plays the same thing. However, I've noticed one thing thus far - Sirius repeats songs. A lot. I didn't notice this as much with XM (with the exception of "Into the Night" by Benny Mendones, "Danny's Song" by Loggins & Messina and "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire). I feel as though I have heard "Wrong Way" by Sublime about 140 times in the last week.

Don't get me wrong - XM is not without its own share of problems. I was highly disappointed when, last month, they pre-empted the ska/hardcore/punk station with a 24-7 AC/DC station. Um, seriously? I didn't even think AC/DC had enough songs to fill a day's worth of programming, let alone an entire permanent station. Ew.

Another issue is in the XM hardware. I think I have one of the oldest radios that XM sold - it runs through the cassette deck in my car. When I inquired about putting in a new radio, they told me that the entire system would have to be rewired - you couldn't simply plug and play.

As of this morning, I think my XM has become possessed. I pressed the "memory" button and it started flipping through stations and refusing to stop on one to listen. Then, after I unplugged it in a moment of fury, it got stuck on Lithium and played the same song by Garbage three times in a row.

Siriusly - what gives?

The Word of the Day ...

... is meh.

Some days you just don't have it. You're not entirely sure how you want to spend your day and then you get caught up in the malaise, sulking.

I honestly believe that holidays make me anti-social - I'm not entirely sure why.

I woke up before 8 and an hour or so later went back to bed ... the second time I got up was at nearly 1 p.m. While I know I needed the sleep, I couldn't think exactly what I felt like getting out of bed for. It was just one of those days and I knew it. The kind of day where you wake up and you just feel listless and ... meh.

I dragged my butt to the couch to watch an episode of "Rob & Big" on the DVR -- add a fleet of remote control helicoptors to the list of things that show has made me want. I ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast (or can you call it brunch, even though you're in boxer shorts on the couch?) I talked to a friend on the phone, who I am visiting in less than two weeks. I put on my workout clothes and made myself go to the gym ... worked out for an hour and watched my beloved Dawgs destroy any respectable bowl game hopes.

And now I'm home ... still feeling meh and not entirely positive why.

"And why do we like to hurt, so much?
I can't decide what you get when you let your heart win.
That's what you get when you let your heart win.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating."
- "That's What You Get"
Paramore

If I Were a Boy

"If I were a boy ....
I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go"
- "If I Were a Boy"
Beyonce

Between my addiction to early morning Vh1 and satellite radio, I often listen to songs that I wouldn't otherwise play or pay attention to - case in point, "If I Were a Boy" by Beyonce. I was driving home to my parents' house yesterday and heard this song while aimlessly wandering through my presets.

I have an uncanny talent to catch onto lyrics, to learn the words to songs after only hearing them once or twice. Lyrics especially seem to stick when they resonate with you - in other words, sometimes they write the song for you.

And that was my day ...

One is the Loneliest Number

I accidentally minored in sociology. While reviewing my transcript for the hundredth time with my advisor, she suggested that by taking a few additional classes, I would graduate with a sociology minor. I was wise enough to realize that while this was by no means a marketable degree, I enjoyed the classes enough to do it. Since then, I have always been a geek for statistics and cultural studies.

I read the cover article in New York this week - "The Loneliness Myth" - and was completely fascinated by it. The premise of the article is stated early on: "Manhattan is the capital of people living by themselves. But are New Yorkers lonelier? Far from it, say a new breed of loneliness researchers, who argue that urban alienation is largely a myth."

The article begins with a hard-hitting statistic - of all 3,141 counties in the United States, New York County is the unrivaled leader in single-individual households, at 50.6 percent. Translated from numbers to words, one in two people in New York City proper is living alone. Following, the next most interesting statistic shows that "in Manhattan, 25.6 percent of households are married, whereas the national average is 49.7." While discussing this with my mom, she raised an interesting point of dissension - many people leave the City upon marrying to raise a family in the suburbs.

However, the author uses this stat to prove a valid assumption ... and provides even more statistical ammunition to back it. Having a cadre of single friends (who serve as the urban version of family) kept her from mistakenly marrying young. She then points out that the variety of new experiences available in an urban environment just may be what makes city marriages better - New York State is tied for the fifth-lowest divorce rate in the nation. While one can also argue that (from what I've heard), it's not easy to get divorced in New York.

Regardless ...

The article makes some interesting assumptions, but also reminds me of something that I have long believed. People in urban areas (New York, especially) live differently than the norm - not necessarily better, but differently. Facebook has shown me that nearly every person I attended college with in Georgia owns a house and has a minimum of one child. The majority of similarly aged people I know in New York are unmarried, not home owners and childless.

We can't afford real estate here - it's as simple as that. While everyone in Georgia and South Carolina always argues that we earn more, it is by no means proportional. What I pay for my one bedroom apartment an hour outside of the City (with no temperature control), can basically pay someone's mortgage on a starter house in the south.

Essentially, you could be doomed to rent for the majority of your life, while you wait to purchase in New York. Starter houses, you're looking at what, $400,000 - at least. Two bedroom apartments in Manhattan - do you have a million dollars? So you're stuck renting in a place where all you want is to be able to turn the heat off when your indoor temperature rises above 90, or turn it on when the outdoors are below freezing.

People become "stuck" at 22 - nothing changes - life becomes "Groundhog Day." You go to work, pay rent on an exorbitantly priced apartment and go out at night to meet people. 30 is the new 22. Yet people in other regions of the country can look forward to starting a real life - saving for a house, getting married and starting a family. If you can't imagine ever being able to realistically own something, why think about moving forward.

And so we get stuck.

New Yorkers are forced to become single-minded and career focused. We're forced to work harder and longer hours in hopes of moving up and making enough money to get by. A functional relationship takes time and takes work, so people forgo them in favor of making more money ... and so the cycle continues.

People live together who have no plans to get married. Traditional relationships and the concept of dating to eventually meet someone to start a family with, falls by the wayside. I couldn't count if I tried, the number of people I have met who have no intention of ever marrying or starting a family.

So do we have it figured out here, the more modern way of looking at life and relationships ... or do we have it anything but?

Re-evaluation

"She’s going out to forget they were together
All that time he was taking her for granted
She wants to see if there’s more
Than he gave she’s looking for"
- "I Don't Wanna Be in Love"
Good Charlotte

Having given myself a four day weekend (I've been off since Saturday), I've had plenty of time to get things done that I simply haven't made time for in the past month. I've cleaned my apartment, got my car inspected (kind of neglected to realize that it expired during October ... oops), ran errands, finished the two movies I had been watching all month and finished one of the three books I was reading.

I love being off on random weekdays while the rest of the world is off doing their everyday things. While it has been relaxing to nap whenever I want (and I have randomly napped at some point each day I have been off), the time and the silence are deadening. I'm not used to not having plans and not having somewhere to be. The worst place for me to be is left alone with my thoughts.

Only two things can semi-successfully clear my head when it is overflowing - running and aimless driving. I went to the gym today and had a solid run. After finishing my run, I decided to stay in my car - roof open, windows down - to enjoy the beautiful weather and to figure out what the nagging voice in my head was saying.

I have always been a people-pleaser, to my own detriment. I've always been the person who puts everyone else's interests and happiness before my own, thinking that if the people around me are happy, I will be, too. Sometimes this is the case; sometimes it is not.

I feel like this is a lesson I should have learned before - that it isn't my responsibility to put everyone else first ... that sometimes I need to put myself first. But as I very well know ... I seem to suck at mastering certain lessons and this just may be another case of it.

What Will Be of 2009?

I am mid-Google-chat with my friend Elizabeth, who has just typed: "when are we moving to la? I think the warm air will do ri some good."

Most of my life I have dreamed of living in Southern California. While other people romanticized a life in New York City, I fantasized about warm weather Christmases.

My parents were both born and raised in New York. To be quite honest, I doubt they will ever leave. My brother was the first to go when he moved to North Carolina for college. Two years later, I followed suit and moved to Georgia for school at 17. I remember when my mailbox was filled with glossy college brochures which pictured magical lands out west - colleges on cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean. (Note: not only was I incapable of fathoming exactly what Pepperdine cost for a four-year education, I was also grossly unaware that it was a semi-crazy right-wing conservative campus. Nope, not for me.) Needless to say, at 17, my parents refused to let me go cross-country for school. Upon graduating, I wanted to go out to California, but my finances didn't allow for it. I moved to Charleston, to Massachusetts, back to Charleston, and then back to New York. But I never made it out to California.

I took a week-long trip to San Diego (Encinitas) and fell in love with La Jolla and Del Mar on my way to the campsite when I was 20 years old. I was sold on the dream. When I moved back to New York, I promised myself that I would give it a fair chance. Although I am far from the "I love New York" poster child that my brother is, I still felt that I owed it to myself to give New York a fighting shot. And so I did.

Last year, I made a pact with myself. I told myself that if nothing changed for better or for worse, I would transfer with my job to LA when my lease was up, in July, 2009. In order to make this happen, I figured that I would have to put my plan in action beginning in the new year. As 2009 creeped closer, I (predictably) felt that nothing was changing and I would be ready to go west. I even started to put the wheels in motion where work was concerned.

I spent a week out there last December and felt like I belonged there - that if I could have never come back to New York, that it would have all been okay. I checked out towns and neighborhoods, started to understand where the freeways went and accepted the fact that you have to valet your car at a $5 wing joint.

Lately, I've started to think about the option if something does change. How do you know if you're ready to leave it behind if there is a possibility of something better where you already are? And if it doesn't work, do you end up with a world of regret?

I tell myself that 2009 wasn't a drop dead date. It doesn't even make it in time to support the "before I'm 30" self-imposed deadline. I just wonder, as 2009 is less than two months away, exactly what I will be ready for.

If You See Something, Say Something

"If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again"

- "Everlong"

Foo Fighters

I've officially confirmed something that I have always suspected - I'm incredibly jaded. I used to think that I had become cynical but had still retained some (blind) optimism. Now I've come to realize that I truly am jaded.

It becomes difficult to enjoy being present when you are afraid of what awaits ten steps ahead of you. While optimism is key, hoping for the best possible outcome, past experience tells you not to get your hopes up. You can see all that is good in what you have but you are essentially terrified of losing it ... because that is what you have come to learn - the good ol' self fulfilling prophecy.

How do you get past what your mind and heart have been conditioned and let yourself believe that something good could actually be happening? And not just that it could be happening, but that it could still be even better the next day or the week after?

How do you tell yourself not to see something negative that isn't even there, just because you assume it has to be there? How do you regain the most fundamental feelings of not necessarily trust, but of having faith in people again?

I'm happy, but I'm scared ... and I've yet to figure out how exactly to reconcile the two.

Of Mad Men and My So Called Life

Everyone I work with talks about "Mad Men" - last season it was "Heroes" and "Lost" - which is why this article surprised me. It seems that while AMC's Emmy award-winning drama is loved by many, the ratings don't reflect that. What this tells me is that the television taste of people I know must represent a very small subsection of America.

My favorite show of all-time was on for just one short season when I was in the 10th grade, "My S0-Called Life." Much like "Mad Men," the program was critically acclaimed. In my opinion, no program before or since had so accurately captured my 10th grade angst. After just one season, ABC nixed the program, due to poor ratings, leaving viewers to wonder Angela Chase's fate. I often think that if the show was on now, it would have made it longer than a season. After all, shows that seem much worse seem to have much longer shelf lives. On the other hand, "MSCL" was unique - it captured a certain honesty about high school that probably wouldn't cut it in this day's lineup of "Gossip Girl" and the new "90210."

Another similarly critically acclaimed show which met a similar fate was "Freaks and Geeks" - another show that I loved. I didn't watch it when it was on television, but rather on DVD, years later.

Historically, I have always had one favorite show at a time, which usually comes out on top as another jumps the shark. "Saved by the Bell" was the original favorite - then they all went to the same college and it eventually went off the air. "MSCL" followed suit, giving me my favorite season of television ever. I don't recall loving another show until college, where a different one seemed to replace another each year - in rapid progression - "90210", "Party of Five" (until Bailey became an alcoholic and Charlie got cancer), and "Dawson's Creek." By the time "Dawson's Creek" ended and Katie Holmes married Tom Cruise, I had moved onto "The O.C." Once Mischa Barton died and Ryan was a cage-fighter, I had adopted "One Tree Hill."

There was "Laguna Beach" and "Newport Beach" - the second certainly less interesting than the first and later, "The Hills," which God knows why, I still watch. I just discovered, as a matter of fact, that my DVR records nothing in the top 20, which means all of my favorites are subject to cancellation: "One Tree Hill', "Gossip Girl", "Army Wives", "The Hills", "Entourage" and "Rescue Me."

Just don't take "Intervention" from me ...

Anyone have a stray cat?

"I'm 23. Remember how old 23 seemed when you were little? I thought people would be traveling in air locks and I'd have five kids. Here I am, 23. Things are...They're basically the same. I think time's running out to do something bizarre. Somewhere around 23 bizarre becomes immature." —Bridget Fonda as Janet Livermore in Cameron Crowe's Singles.

Today is my half year birthday. I am officially closer to 20-10 than I am to 29, and that thought is beginning to terrify me.

I should rewind and point out that I don't have this date marked on my calendar. Rather, it has always been my parents' tradition to celebrate our half-year birthdays with a cupcake and some small random gift.

On Friday, I went home for the weekend, as my brother got married. My mom handed me a small box and said, "I was afraid your half-year birthday would get lost in the shuffle this weekend." Appalling. How could they forget my half-year birthday on the weekend of their only son's wedding? Too funny.

Regardless, 30 seems that much closer and I feel as though I have much to accomplish in the next six months. I want something big to happen - something exciting and life changing. I dread getting to the age where it seems that I should have done it all already, that I should have gotten it all out of my system. When I once mentioned wanting to move cross-country, my brother commented that "people don't do that at 30, they do it at 22." So I missed my chance?

So the lesson is ... start filling out my social security forms. Begin collecting stray cats - dozens of them. Happy 29 and a half to me :)

Of Routines and Vh1 in the Morning

I am a creature of habit - I get ready for work in the exact same order every morning. I walk to work the exact same way each day. I love knowing that you can get the free song on iTunes every Tuesday morning (even when it sucks ... which it often/usually does).

Since college, I have listened to Vh1 in the morning. While I don't watch the videos unless something catches my eye for a particular reason, it serves as decent background noise. In 2003-2004, when I ran in the gym, I used to run to Vh1. For that reason, I will also associate "Hey Ya" with that period of my life.

I consider my taste in music varied and somewhat eclectic. While I am happy to come across a song that few people have heard of, I will just as often fall victim to a tune on iTunes that I heard on XM's 20 on 20 or Vh1, for that matter.

The problem, as of late, is that some of these songs are just terrible. I find myself distracted, listening to a song on Vh1, just thinking, "Who is this artist and why should I be forced to listen to this?" Much like word association, the first three which come to mind (and oh, these songs/artists are truly atrocious) are Chrisette Michel, Thriving Ivory and that Kid Rock song about "summer in Northern Michigan."

Just for fun, let's see what the public thinks is popular these days by checking out Vh1's Top 20 Countdown ...

20. Rihanna - Disturbia: Dear God, this song is awful and the video is downright creepy. It also seems to be the top ringtone in nail salons and malls.

19. Robin Thicke - Magic: Honestly, I don't think I know this one. I'm hoping I tuned it out. I remember his last song ... and that he is a R&B singer whose dad was on "Growing Pains."

18. Adele - Chasing Pavements: This song isn't terrible. HOWEVER, Vh1 hyped her as a "new artist" everytime they played this song and I can probably recite every word, verbatim, of her speech about London and this song.

17. Gavin Rossdale - Love Remains the Same: Actually, I like this one. I even bought it from iTunes.

16. Jennifer Hudson - Spotlight: Again, I don't think I know this specific song. I just don't like her, though. While she did a decent job in the "Sex and the City" movie, I abhor her singing.

15. Staind - Believe: I thought this band disappeared with Creed? No?

14. Little Jackie - The World Should Revolve Around Me: I can't decide if this song is catchy or if I hate it. The guy in the band is creepy looking, though. He's a little slackjawed lookin'.

13. Kid Rock - All Summer Long: Where to begin ... I hate Kid Rock, I hate Michigan, I hate that this video is filled with skanks on boats wearing Confederate flag string bikinis. This song actually has the ability to ruin my morning. I'm hoping that all the kids in Northern Michigan will stop buying it now that their summer is clearly over and it will fall off the charts. Then he can go back to doing what he does best - getting in fights in Waffle House.

12. Natasha Bedingfield - Angel: I liked her first song, way back when. Her next one aka the theme song to "The Hills" became the definition of overplayed. "Pocketful of Sunshine" drove me insane. This one, whatever. It's not as bad as her last one.

11. O.A.R. - Shattered: I was unaware that anyone other than frat boys really liked O.A.R. - but this song is also in the iTunes top 100. Shocking. It is almost as lyrically intense as "Hey Girl."

10. Pink - So What: Okay, Pink is obnoxious and also cheesy as hell. But the sentiment of the video appeals to me - basically she's just out to piss people off and some days, I can relate. Carry on.

9. 3 Doors Down - It's Not My Time: This song won't go away; I swear they've been playing it since January. The video is rather annoying, too.

8. Estelle - American Boy: Another song that I can't tell if I enjoy it or hate it. I think I was just excited when I mastered both parts of the song while sitting in traffic.

7. Lifehouse - Broken: Okay, the secret is out. I'm actually a closet Lifehouse fan. While I don't own any of their albums, I have bought a few on their songs on iTunes, this being one of them. Sadly enough, I think I heard it on "Laguna Beach" or maybe "Newport Beach." Also, Kiefer Sutherland directed this video - wonder how that came about. I just don't see them running in the same circles.

6. Jason Mraz - I'm Yours: Ah, another summertime guilty pleasure ... one of the few songs that actually makes me smile almost every time I hear it. Every other song he has ever written seems to consist of lyrics resembling "skeet bop doo wop skat" and this one keeps that babble to a minimum. Good job, Mraz.

5. Jordin Sparks - One Step at a Time: I despise Jordin Sparks' music. While I have never voted on "American Idol" (I take that back. I voted once last season AGAINST David Archuleta.), I have no idea how this girl became America's Idol with songs like these. This song is seriously one of the most irritating songs ever written. It needs to be in High School Musical or Degrassi High. That is the only place it has any hope.

4. New Kids on the Block - Single: Seriously? I wish I could explain this comeback phenomenon. I am only grateful that I was into hairbands and metal during the first coming of NKOTB.

3. Crush - David Archuleta: Speaking of the devil ... I was so grateful that this weirdo didn't win American Idol last season (although I saw a combined eight minutes of the season). This video actually makes me laugh. It shows him hanging out in a "High School Musical" esque outdoor cafeteria setting (where the athletes hang with the show choir kids) and he is the BMOC. I'm sorry to say, but I doubt anyone at his school was knocking down his door before he was on American Idol. But now, the whole world has a crush on him. Indeed.

2. Leona Lewis - Better in Time: This should be called "Better than My Last Song." I can't even remember what her debut song was, but it would get stuck in my head. Ah, yes, "Keep Bleeding." She's another "talent show" winner, except America isn't responsible for voting this one into stardom.

1. Daughtry - What About Now: This video is annoying. It's another one of those "let's inspire the masses through music video and make the world a better place" attempts. While he doesn't suck quite as much as the other Idol rejects (i.e. Archuleta, Sparks, Hudson, etc.), I can't dignify this song with a number one rating.

So what's good right now ...

• Helio Sequence - Lately
• The new Ben Folds album, "Way To Normal" - not his best but still fun, if you're a Ben fan
• The soundtrack to "Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist", especially the We Are Scientists and Takka Takka songs
• The Fratellis - Shameless (total catchy goodness)
• Death Cab for Cutie - Cath ... (not new, but I love it this week

119 Cans of Red Bull

Well, the good news is that it would take a lot more caffeine that I thought to put me down -- 119.44 cans of Red Bull, to be exact.

I'm recovering from mono and to be quite honest, it really sucks.

I'm probably at about 60% back to normal and I would do anything for a daily afternoon nap, a la preschool. I've been trying my hardest to be cautious with my (lack of) energy, but some weeks such as this one, I can't win.

Tuesday night was the Ben Folds concert, which was totally amazing. Going to bed after 1 a.m. and getting up at 6:30 a.m. - not so much. Wednesday was Chef Gala - also fun and also, another six hours of sleep that night. Thursday was just long, stressful and exhaustive. I felt hungover yesterday - with the added bonus of having not drank anything.

I tried to compensate this week with copious amounts of caffeine - which really didn't work. The list was long and varied: Red Bull, Coke, yellow Vitamin Water, Starbucks, Starbucks and more Starbucks. I realized that I'd had too much when I was tapping my foot repeatedly during Chef Gala registration ... and when I thought "If I drink, I'll sleep tonight." I think I learned that from watching too much "Intervention" - only I don't think they were talking about caffeine.