Just like the movies

"I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London Underground
When it struck me that I've been waiting since birth to find
A love that would look and sound like a movie"
- "Clark Gable"
The Postal Service

While taking a Journalism class in college, we were asked to pen a paper about ourselves, and how media (in all forms) affected our lifestyle and personality. At the time, I was an avid fan of the tv show "Party of Five", and was completely enamored with Bailey and Sarah's relationship. It was, at one point, the relationship I dreamed of.
Many of my favorite movies are of the relationship and True Love against-all-odds variety, including "Love Story", "A Walk to Remember", "The Notebook" and "When a Man Loves a Woman." The harder the circumstances are to overcome, the more "real" the love and subsequent relationship seems.
I was watching my new show du jour on DVD last night, "One Tree Hill", during which two of the main characters married. Now mind you, the two characters are Juniors in high school, which leads any person to be cynical - this could never happen the way it did on TV. When Haley and Nathan first met, he was a pompous jock with an attitude; she, a quiet, studious girl who volunteered as his tutor. Again, two people embarking on an against-all-odds relationship. Watching this allowed me to suspend all disbelief - after all, who marries during their Junior year of high school, and when could it ever work? Regardless, I found myself feeling wistful for a love like that - a love that can only be found in the movies.
Does love really exist like it does in the movies? Is there really love which can overcome any set of circumstances? And if you find it, can it last?

Love and Marriage

"Do you wanna get married
Or run away"
- "Slide"
Goo Goo Dolls
I always wondered - during weddings, when the officiant asks if anyone objects to the upcoming nuptials, has anyone ever said "yes"? It was the night before B's wedding - he was due to marry a woman that I felt was wrong for him. More than the fact that she was wrong for him, I felt right for him. I asked him to reconsider, to call off the wedding. But, she did it for him, cancelling the ceremony the next morning. Everyone knew why she did it - that I had convinced him that we would be right together, as if we were a puzzle and I would be the missing piece. I couldn't bear to watch him marry someone else - commit to someone who may not be right for him for all of eternity. Before he could go down that path, I had to speak my peace. For a dream, it felt surprisingly vivid - it made me wonder what that would really feel like, and what it all meant. People say that dreams are a reflection of your subconscious - if so, what is my subconscious trying to say?

Of insomnia and dreams

"The things that I can't say are all thinking me insane these days"
-"Lucky Charm"
Jets to Brazil

I have had insomnia on and off for the past year or so. When I try to go to sleep, my mind races through everything that is happening in my life, making it impossible for me to fall asleep.
Last night, I had a pretty decent night's sleep, however, it was accompanied by some of the most random and strange dreams I have ever had.
This morning I recalled the following five dreams - as far as I know, they were not connected...
- I was babysitting for Angelina Jolie's son, Maddox. We were reading books together.
- I was in Circuit City at the same time as a theft ring. Five guys were stealing CDs and then hurling them at security like Chinese stars while being apprehended.
- I saw His instant message log in live time. He was IMing The Girl From Baltimore, telling her that he was coming to stay with her, that she was pretty, but that he had to come to NY to tell me, first.
- I was enrolled in school and realized at year's end, that I had forgotten to attend a history class all year. I wanted to see what I had to do to not fail, so I consulted the syllabus. I remember it said that I had missed many random assignments, and that the tests were only worth 2.5% of my grade.
- I was in school and someone was investigating a random odor in the lockers, but I noticed people were keeping pets in their lockers, like cats and dogs. I commented about this to the person looking at the lockers, and he pointed at another one. When they opened it, a chicken was cooking inside.

So after a nice night's sleep with dreams like those, is insomnia preferable?

Birthday

"Today is a birthday
They’re smoking cigars
He’s got a chain of flowers
And sows a bird in her knickers"
- "Birthday"
Sugarcubes

I remember my 15th birthday - I got a soccer jacket and the Green Day "Dookie" CD. What I really wanted was for the junior in my math class to notice that I existed.
Eighteen, I was a freshman at college, and I felt homesick for the very first time. I wanted to be home for my birthday, and looking back, I have absolutely no idea why.
Nineteen was my first birthday celebrated with a "Serious Boyfriend."
"Only 730 days until you're legal", I remember him saying. He sent me a card, which acknowledged us as a legit couple. I was on top of the world.
Twenty was spent crying in my bedroom, while my friends celebrated downstairs with a keg of Killians. We had recently broken up, and it seemed harder on my birthday, than any other day.
"Forget about him," they all said, "Come downstairs and drink."
"Steal My Sunshine" played in the background...
Twenty-one, the offical date I could enter a bar and be myself. I no longer had to successfully recite the address, birthday, and horoscope sign of my legal alter-ego.
My best friend flew to Georgia to surprise me. We had frozen drinks at Mexicali; I wantonly tossed a shotglass in the parking lot.
I had just gotten over being sick - "If you drink hard," the doctor said, "You'll find yourself sick again."
I could have been the designated driver on my own birthday.
Twenty-five was the birthday I'll always remember - he tracked down my highly coveted silver Ipod mini (which was backordered for eight weeks), sent me the prettiest arrangement of flowers I had ever seen, served me my favorite birthday cake, and took me and five of my friends out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. I felt like a princess.
There is a part of me that wishes every birthday could be like that one, but another part of me looks forward to birthdays in the future, and the promise that each of them may hold.

"But it's much too late, you say
For doing this now, we should have done it then
Well it just goes to show how wrong you can be
and how you really should know that
it's never too late to get up and go..."
- "Doing the Unstuck"
The Cure

Someday We'll Know

"Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you
Someday we'll know why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know that I was the one for you"
- "Someday We'll Know"
The New Radicals

We met on New Year's Day, while I was a senior in college, and he was stationed numerous states away in the military. We tried at the long distance thing for about a month and a half, spending long weekends together. My plans for the immediate future were vague - I didn't have a job lined up after graduation, and it didn't seem out of the question that I could consider moving to be where he was.
Valentine's Day came and went, with him sending me a dozen roses accompanied by a card that conjectured about our possible blissful future. The next weekend when he visited, he called it off, citing confusion about his state of life and an unwillingness to continue the relationship. He still wanted to be "friends."
It was like clockwork - each time he moved, he would want me to visit, and I, still wishing for it to work, always did. We had a great time together - we had many similar interests, and a strong physical connection. I could not turn it on and turn it off the way he could - every time I left him I felt somehow that things would turn around. He would change his mind and we would be together again.
This pseudo-relationship continued for about a year, until I was preparing to move out of state. I planned to see him one last time before I moved, and he lived about halfway to where I was headed.
This was it - we had dragged out a year of semi-feelings, and I was ready for change. Evidently, he was, too. While I was staying with him, he met the girl he ended up marrying that summer.
Looking back, I asked myself time and time again - why didn't I make a clean break? It was clear from the first time we broke up that I wasn't the girl he was looking for. So why did I expect that to change?
I have never made a clean break in a relationship. It is always rather a murky transition from relationship to psuedo-relationship, then sometimes to friends.
Last night, I was watching a TV show in which two of the characters were together over 20 years ago. They have failed to make any relationship stick during that time, yet the concept is always in the background.
Why is it that we hold onto these ideals until the other person becomes unavailable?

If it wasn't right the first time, why do we expect that something can change, and it will work later on?

The appeal of the gypsy life

"She said I think I'll go to Boston, I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice
Boston, where no one knows my name"
- "Boston"
Augustana

I always swore that I would leave where I was raised. I would not be one of those people who grew where my roots were planted, and failed to venture to a different place. I wanted to see how other people lived, what I liked better, and what I would come to appreciate about where I grew up.
I left suburban New York to attend college in Georgia. Athens, a vibrant college town, is situated about an hour and a half from Atlanta, among numerous rural/semi-suburban towns. It was my first introduction to living in the South, and my foray into a different lifestyle.
Although The University of Georgia boasts students from all over the world, the largest percentage of students seemed to hail from the Atlanta suburbs. Most people who hailed from these suburbs (Gwinett County, etc.) seemed to believe that this area of Atlanta was their private mecca. No place could top growing up in Gwinett County; no city was greater than Atlanta. Why would anyone live in New York, or California.
Conversely, I met a number of people who came from rural towns that had one traffic light, at best. Many of these people felt that where they came from was the worst place in the country. There was nothing to do there, they said. They came to Athens to live somewhere with more excitement.
I never wanted to believe that where I came from was either the best or worst place to be.
I wanted to travel; I wanted to live in different places, meet different people.
I always thought the perfect lifestyle involved moving around frequently, and having few attachments. Whenever I grew tired of the direction my life was headed in, it always seemed as though moving would change everything.
Leaving town couldn't change everything, though. It merely took my life and placed it in a different environment. Although a new environment is often the first step towards change, it never solved my problems. That is up to me, wherever my travels lead me.

"And daydreamed about how to make your life better by leaving town"
- "Leaving Town"
Dexter Freebish

The value of a good mix tape

"I saw your eyes
And you made me smile
For a little while I was falling in love."
- "Space Age Love Song"
Flock of Seagulls

I feel sorry for the teenagers of this generation, who will never know the value of a good mix tape. The kids who will never know the feeling of a perfectly timed B side, with only seconds of empty tape at the end, and no songs cut off.
I remember making mix tapes in high school and college, choosing themes, playing CDs, pressing record, pressing stop, until one side of a tape was full. If you weren't careful, the tape would cut off, leaving you frustrated that you were only able to offer your recipient three-quarters of that "amazing Sunny Day Real Estate song."
Always put punk songs at the end. They are rarely longer than two and a half minutes.
I constantly made mix tapes in college - for myself, friends, family, crushes, and boyfriends. Whatever I was listening to at the time, I wanted to share it with everyone I knew.
Tapes were eaten by poor car stereos, stepped on in dorm rooms, and generally overplayed until they were rendered unplayable.
I still have a box of tapes in my closet - a combination of tapes I made, and those given to me by others. Occasionally I will choose one by title (ie. Procrastination - one that was made in college to avoid studying for finals), and give it a play in my car, which for some unknown reason came equipped with a tape deck.
The advent of the CD burner rendered the mix tape obsolete. The computer does all of the work for you - figures out the timing, allows you to reorder the songs, fails to cut songs off. Practically genius, really.
But something is missing.
I cherish my mix CDs - those I have made for others, and especially those made for me. Nothing is greater than the gift of music - especially when it is packaged neatly by theme on an eighty minute disc.
Unless of course, it's a mix tape.

My Quarterlife Crisis

"It’s so hard to get old without a cause
I don’t want to perish like a fading horse
Youth is like diamonds in the sun
And diamonds are forever
So many adventures couldn’t happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams are swinging out of the blue"
- "Forever Young"
Alphaville

Next week I turn 27. I will have been in this Earth for almost 10,000 days, which seems truly astounding.
How did I suddenly wake up and realize that I am about to be 27? Where did the last third of my life go?
The first seventeen years seemed to go by amazingly slow - waiting to go away to college seemed to be my goal from the first moments I remember.
Seventeen to twenty were spent "on my own" at college - waiting to use my real license to buy beer, no longer being the girl from Cleveland, Georgia, who I vaguely resembled (at best) on my ID.
Twenty and the beginning of twenty-one were all about entering the real world - how great it would be to finally have a real income, be done with the "meaninglessness" of penning papers and doing group projects.
Graduation came and went, dropping me in Corporate America at the age of twenty-one.
Why am I not in college anymore? Why can't I sleep in on the days that I get home too late? Living at home again, drinking more than I drank in four years of college.
Twenty-two, on my own again, going out way too much. Working more hours than I ever have in my life, watching all of my friends get married.
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
Twenty-three, twenty-four - serious relationshipdom. I want to be settled, I want to be married like everyone else. I want a guy who isn't a player, someone who will treat me well. Life is quiet and domestic. We cook a lot of dinners, watch a lot of rerun television.
Twenty-five - it feels like ages since I had a "real job" - years of reciting salad dressings and draft beer offerings have worn me thin. Retail is tiresome - I want a real job again, and I will have one.
Twenty-six - friends are having babies, divorces, weddings. I am moving home with my parents.
And so is the cycle of life. Enter the quarterlife crisis.

Our Song

"And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world"
- "Your Song"
Elton John

I prefer guys who are tall...at least 6 foot. The taller, the better. I like dark short hair, blue eyes, lanky physiques, Banana Republic wardrobes.
I like athletic guys, who like to read and write, and who share my taste in music.
I have always considered taste in music as a barometer when I meet people. Simply asking a person who his favorite band is, what his favorite song is, or what the best concert he has seen generally points me towards his personality and interests...at least the stereotypes of them!
Finding people who like the same music as me is generally not simple. Although I have dated a number of people who like my favorite band (The Cure), I have been smart about one thing - I take care to associate no Cure songs with any person I date or relationship I am in.
It is always fun to have "your songs" -- songs that remind you of your significant other, or the times you spend together. These songs are not always chosen - sometimes they are popular at the time, or you hear one on the radio while you are together. While you are dating, these songs make you smile, and remind you of all that is good in your world. The lyrics, no matter how poorly they are penned, remind you of that certain someone.
Then you break up, go your separate ways.
Every time you hear "that song", you will think of him.
My first boyfriend mostly listened to punk and hardcore music, music which I enjoyed, but I would not say that any of those songs reminded me of him. Rather it was the popular songs that I heard on Vh1 every morning, getting dressed for school.
Thankfully, upon breaking up, the only songs I had to remove from my mental playlist were that Aerosmith song from "Armageddon", "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain, and "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. We had never "designated" any of these as "our song", yet they all brought on memories of him, and still do, many years later.
The lesson being? Date a guy with polar taste in music. If the chips don't fall right, you won't be stuck travelling down memory lane every time you hear a song you love. Rather, you can be grateful that his taste in music sucks, and turn it off!

Don't change your plans for me

"You're the reason I wanna stay
I loved you before I met you and I met you just in time
'Cause there was nothing left"
- "Don't Change Your Plans"
Ben Folds Five

My former college roommate was a psychology major, which lent itself to many hours poring over the DSM-IV manual. For those of you who do not know, the DSM is a research manual published by the American Psychiatric Association, detailing psychiatric disorders and their symptoms. Many a night was spent reading various symptoms, diagnosing ourselves and everyone we knew. In just a few days time, we had diagnosed each and every one of one friends with a psychiatric disorder.
"Oh, she's histrionic, he's completely OCD."
I find the same habit reoccurring with the advent of WebMD and their "Symptom Tracker". Never do my symptoms indicate I have a cold, but rather lupus, some rare form of cancer, or a lung disorder. I am convinced that WebMD incites paranoia in people.
With all of this experience using the DSM-IV and WebMD, you would think I had found a diagnosis for my symptoms.
I think I am addicted to long distance relationships.
I don't understand why, since everytime I have dated someone in my zip code, I found the proximity enjoyable. I have always had a tendency to meet people either while travelling on vacation, home on a short break, or just prior to me or the other person's preparing to move...far away.
Everyone else shuns long distance relationships - they take too much effort, too much money, and most of all, you, as a couple, are living in a dream world. You can bypass the troubles of day-in-and-day-out living, and treat your weekends together as mini-vacations, escaping the real world and all of its associated problems.
The question is always there, "Are you going to move there, is he going to move here?" When I was younger, I wanted to be the person who could pick up at any time and move anywhere, especially if it meant giving a good relationship the chance it deserved.
Then, I realized that it's hard to start a life somewhere, if you don't already have a job there, have friends there. You can't always leave your life behind, and expect that someone else can provide one that would make you happy.
Similarly, you can't expect that the life that makes you happy, where you want to be, is what the other person wants.
Find happiness, where I want to be, and then find someone who is willing to share it with me. I don't want be a person who tries to change someone else's plans and compromise their happiness, just to make him fit into my world.

"But don't change your plans for me
I won't move to L.A.
The leaves are falling back East
That's where I'm going to stay
All I really wanna say: you're the reason I wanna stay
But destiny is calling and won't hold
And when my time is up I'm outta here
All I know's I gotta be where my heart says I oughta be
It often makes no sense, in fact I never understand these things I feel"
- "Don't Change Your Plans"
Ben Folds Five

Sweet perfection

"Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.
Always remember the sound of the stereo.
The dim of the soft lights.
The scent of your hair, that you twirled in your fingers.
And the time on the clock, when we realized "It's so late!"
And this walk that we share together.
The streets were wet, and the gate was locked,
So I jumped it, and let you in.
And you stood at the door, with your hands on my waist.
And you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew...that you meant it. "
- "Hands Down"
Dashboard Confessional

The best feeling - lying in bed after a perfect day, with a smile on your face, knowing that no one or thing could take it away from you.
I remember days like these, wishing they could last forever. A good conversation, where the words and ideas flow and the silence never comes. A kiss that warms your body and heart, making you smile from head to toe. A day of playing outside, embracing warmth and sunshine.
The first days after meeting someone, when each day seems so perfect, you can't imagine how any moment or feeling could be better. You don't want a night to end, to say goodbye, because the next one won't be the same.
But for that fleeting moment in time, hands down, it is the best day you can ever remember.
Sweet perfection.

Sickness and Clarity

"Just because he loves you too,
he wouldn't ever take a bullet for you.
Don't believe a word he says.
He wouldn't ever cut his heart out for you. "
- "Popular Mechanics for Lovers"
Beulah

Five years ago, I was working at a demanding job with strange hours - I worked essentially seven days a week from morning until night, with almost no days off between February and September. It was the nature of the industry, and I lived on pure adrenaline during the season. After a particularly long stretch, I felt like I was coming down with something, but there was no time to take off, to go to the Doctor, or to rest and catch up. Finally, I ended up in the Emergency Room with a raging case of strep throat, and severly dehydrated.
I was a thousand miles away from my parents, and all of my local friends worked with me, so no one was available to be at my side.
I remember the doctor asking me if there was anyone I wanted to call, anyone I could call. There was no one.
I laid in the Emergency Room, only half focused on the pain I was in, because I felt so alone. It was one of the times when you realize what your life is lacking when it is just you, when you're not sharing it with someone else.
I have been sick since Sunday - the kind of sick where moving a finger seemed to exert more energy that I am capable of. Laying in bed at home, I was grateful to have my parents to care for me, but once again I felt the same emptiness, that same feeling of being alone.
I felt weak, and didn't have the energy to form a sentence, but still, I wanted someone by my side. I wanted to be someone's first thought, I wanted someone to worry about me.
Does sickness bring clarity? Remind you that you want to be with someone, so that you have someone during the worst times? Or does it make you feel needy...