Resolutions from 2000 ...

I was looking through one of my old journals and found my "resolutions" for 2000, which were more or less short-term and far reaching goals. At twenty, I knew what I needed to do to make my life what it was "supposed to be". Looking back on my set of resolutions, I could definitely benefit from giving these another shot ... and also wondering what life could have been like, had I given these the effort that they deserved back then.

Here they are (were?):

I will finish this semester with high grades and graduate with over a 3.0 (Surprisingly, I did this one. Once I realized, post-freshman year, that attending class definitely helped my grades, my GPA took a turn for the better.)

I won't procrastinate on big school projects. (I doubt I accomplished this one. I could change that to "I won't procrastinate on big work projects" or "I won't procrastinate. I consider extreme procrastination one of my talents, actually.)

I will read more interesting things. (I guess I've done that. I probably should have defined the word "interesting." Something tells me that my intent here was to read more intellectual and worthy books, rather than what I generally read. I guess I can assume I did this, but it's certainly not a consistent success. Can US Weekly be considered "interesting"? Sure.)

I will learn to surf better. (Nope, never happened. I suck as much as I did back then. Maybe a year in Costa Rica would help that ... hey, you can't accomplish goals without the proper equipment.)

I will try new foods and learn to cook new things. (This was before I found out that I was allergic to 85% of foods. I did learn to cook a lot of things ... I just can't eat most of them. I would be remiss to say I'm an adventurous eater, though.)

I will be better with my money. (Yep, it was possible. I actually became considerably worse with my money. This one should actually go to the very top of the '08 resolutions. Definitely.)

I will pay all of my bills when I get them. (Pretty good with this one ... I guess after college I recognized that it wasn't really optional.)

I will keep sending out resumes and cover letters - when I graduate, I either want a good marketing job or to work in Charleston. (I actually pulled off both of these in 2001 - I had the sports marketing job of my dreams ... or so I thought ... in Charleston.)

I will eventually have a good marketing job, hopefully with a sport team or surfing company. (At that point, the dream life was to work for Quiksilver. Two years of mediocre wages and insane hours in baseball brought me back to reality on that one.)

I will write more creative writing. (Argh, this one gets me every time. It is honestly my only true "goal" in life ... yet I never focus enough to do it. Keep this one on the list.)

I will pay off a lot of my credit card debt and not get it high again. (So I didn't do this the first time around - I definitely made it much, much worse. But then I paid off most of it and I'm doing a decent job not doing it again. But again, there's always room for improvement. This one is at the top of the '08 resolutions.)

I will travel more and try different things. (The problem here is that this resolution was in direct conflict with the one above it. Oh, I traveled more. I'm great at traveling ... one of the best you'll ever meet. Unfortunately, I suck at doing it in cost-effective ways. Sadly, this one can't go on the '08 list. I'll keep the "try different things" one, but they'll have to be of the local and cheap variety.)

I will stick to my exercise program and get a flatter stomach. (Yes, I really listed this as a goal, and no, I totally didn't do it. The best exercise program I ever stuck with came in 2003 and 2004. I'll put this one back on the list, though.)

I will try to lose five pounds. (Clearly, I didn't accomplish this at that time. I did weigh like 123 when I waited tables, but that was only because I couldn't afford food and was living on Saltines, because they were the only free thing we could eat at the restaurant. I'll relist this one for '08 and put a "1" in front of that "five".)

I will swim, rollerblade, and surf more. (I just swam laps for the first time since college the other day. It's an actual realistic goal for '08. Rollerblading - did a bunch of that this summer. Surfing? I live across the street from the beach, but I'm too much of a baby to go in the cold NY ocean. I'll put that one back on the list when I move to Hawaii some day.)

I will get more definition in my arms and become stronger. (Seriously, it's no wonder I didn't accomplish these goals. I doubt I could have listed more specific things that would be easier to forget. I also must have been making this list while looking in a mirror. There is no way I could have realized all of the ways my body seemed to suck at the time otherwise.)

I will try to eat less junk food and fast food. (Almost totally gave up fast food. It really has no appeal anymore, and I think its only appeal back then was the convenience and price. Junk food ... eh ... I go through phases on that one. I think this could go on the '08 list.)

I won't go over *** pounds and will continue to eat better. (I'm totally not filling in the blank there. I'm only like five pounds over that, but clearly, if that number horrified me enough to create a resolution around it, I never anticipated this weight.)

I'll try to get past *** and not talk to him anymore. (Again, not filling in the blank, but it was an ex at the time, and clearly, this was the best resolution I could have made. We did stop talking and I think it made every day a little better at the time.)

I'll only give myself to people who want me and have time for me. (This one sounds really depressing. Geez. I think this is one for everyone, though ... there are definitely people out there who deserve you more than others.)

I won't waste my time on people who don't treat me how I deserve to be treated. (This is actually my 1 goal for 2008. It's up there with the money/credit cards thing, but for other reasons.I kind of wish I had figured out how to do this one back in 2000. Better late than never, I guess.)

I will remember what kind of person I like to be, not what kind of person I think people like me to be. (Again, this one is pretty solid. I feel bad that I made this a resolution and couldn't just accept it without trying.)

I won't leave my happiness in the hands of others - it's my responsibility. (If I had a dollar every time I tried to tell myself this, I wouldn't have to worry about how I spent my money. Put it on the '08 list.)

2008 is right around the corner ... and I'm ready for a new year. I'm not sure why the changing of one digit always makes it feel like a fresh start. My expectations for this year are high, but not unreasonable. I'm focusing on the big picture - being healthy, being happy and being the best version of myself that I can be. In doing so, I'm sure I can accomplish (most of) the minutiae I listed back in 2000.

Happy New Year to all ... cheers. I hope your 2008 is the best it can possibly be.

Finding My Happy

It's snowing outside. Actually, it's not even snowing. It's some type of glorious freezing rain sleet combination that leaves the streets slippery, the air cold, and the sky a dismal shade of gray.

Needless to say, it's a stark comparison to what I left behind in Los Angeles - wearing flip flops, blue skies, sunny days and a dual feeling of calm and happy that I hadn't felt in ages.

When I moved back to New York from Charleston, I thought I would visit monthly; after all, my entire world was there. I quickly realized that as the saying goes, you can't go home. Subtle things had changed, major things had changed. And every time I visited, I felt homesick, like a piece of me still felt that I made the wrong decision.

New York feels like it will never fit, which is funny, considering I have spent more of my life here than anywhere else. I constantly feel stressed and on edge here, which I didn't feel in California.

Of course, one could argue that I was on vacation - I get that. But just the same, I felt a semblance of peace within myself that I haven't felt in ages. I felt like myself - the version of myself that isn't always bitter and stressed. The version of me that can stop to breathe, the one that wants to be out and about experiencing life ... not just watching it pass by.

I miss the sunshine and the warm(er) weather - that goes without saying. But I miss the feeling that I had there - the feeling that I had found my perfect fit and found my "happy."

"Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else"
- "Jesus Christ"
Brand New

The Implications of Positive Memory

The Pollyanna Principle - people remember positive things more readily than negative things

I first learned this in a psych class in college and it has remained in my consciousness ever since, due to its ever-prevalence in my life.

Going hand in hand with forgive and forget, the Pollyanna Principle is what allows you to selectively remember the good parts of things, and simply overlook the bad in memories. You can remember laying on the couch with him and what movie you watched, or every detail about the night when he first told you that he loved you. Five years later you will still remember what you both wore to that baseball game, but you have to stretch your memory to recall the "bad stuff."

Your brain doesn't want you thinking about how much you cried when you found out that he cheated on you, or how much it hurt when you saw him out with another girl immediately after you broke up. It's too hard for your brain to process those thoughts years later, so everything is seen through rose-colored glasses.

I worked an event yesterday at a college basketball game, and immediately felt a twinge, missing working in sports. I remembered the energy of a game-day, and having that excitement every day at work. I love my job - it is hands down the best job that I have ever had, and I do know that. But there is always a part of me that is going to remember my days in baseball through rose-colored glasses - the excitement of working opening day, and the constant energy and movement. That part of me has to struggle to remember exactly how it felt never having a day off, never having enough money to make ends meet, and always thinking that stopping to breathe would be the start of the end.

The Pollyanna Principle protects us - it allows us to more easily remember what was good about a person or a particular situation. Just the same, there is a benefit to tempering your most romanticized thoughts with a dose of reality to remember why things turned out the way they did.

24 Hours

I was home sick yesterday. The majority of my day was spent either in bed or on the couch; I watched a movie and two television shows. I can't remember the last time I watched over three hours of concurrent television.

I awoke this morning to grey skies, damp cold, and wind outside my apartment that sounded like the world was ending. Part of me was determined to stay in bed, to shut out the world. After all, what is there to do on a day like today, other than to repeat the uselessness of the day before?

I got out of bed. I ate breakfast and took a shower. I was momentarily sidetracked by an absolutely horrid episode of "Beverly Hills 90210" (the early years) on Soapnet, but after fifteen minutes of humor, got my day back on track.

After months of excuses, I finally got a library card and took out four books. I took one of the books next door to Starbucks and read the first fifty pages with a venti white mocha in hand, stopping only for the occasional people watching experience. I ran errands. I went to five o'clock mass - the first time I've attended church since Easter.

I've felt very ungrounded lately, which is strange, since I've been making mostly decent decisions. Usually I recognize feeling ungrounded when I make a really off-kilter decision; but, as I said, lately I've been making mostly "ok" decisions for myself.

I took a book out of the library today that I have picked up numerous times in the bookstore, but have never bought - Saturday, by Ian McEwan. I've never read anything written by him, but always felt compelled to do so.

Saturday is a heavy read, mostly because McEwan does not write in a very plot driven fashion - he expends pages on descriptions in colorful language, which I often find myself skimming through in other books I read. It's not a book which I had difficulty putting down, but I also would be remiss to say that it's not worth reading. I get the feeling that when I finally finish it. I will view it more as an experience, than as a book that was necessarily "fun."

There were two sections that resonated with me. One reads as follows:
"On a recent Sunday evening Theo came up with an aphorism: the bigger you think, the crappier it looks. Asked to explain he said, 'When we go on about the big things, the political situation, global warming, world poverty, it all looks terrible, with nothing getting better, nothing to look forward to. But when I think small, closer in - you know, a girl I've just met, or this song we're going to do with Chas, or snowboarding next month, then it looks great. So this is going to be my motto - think small."

Another part of the book that I loved was not a section, but rather a quote - "Happiness seemed like a betrayal of principle, but happiness was unavoidable."

At times, happiness feels shallow; it lacks the depth that sadness inevitably does. Your thoughts, when happy, seem shorter and less significant. However, when you're unhappy, you tend to think more, think deeper. When you are happy, you tend to "think small," yet when you're unhappy, you see a bigger picture. More things to fear, more things to worry about, more things to generally feel unhappy about.

While I appreciate the value of deep thought, of evaluating my emotions, sometimes there is a benefit in "thinking small," and not viewing it as a betrayal of principle.

I need to find the balance between being happy and feeling grounded, to find the place where happiness and feeling strong coincide. I need to be a better version of myself, and to feel comfortable in doing so. It's easy to fall into a trap of over self-examination, to not want to get out of bed on a gray, cold, rainy day ... but there is so much of the world outside that is worth experiencing, for better or for worse.

Is it enough to be happy?

In one of the six million books I have read, I remember reading a section about why you should never say that "being happy" is your goal. This resonated with me, as it is probably the number one response I would give to that question, or any other like it.

The next question is, why? Why can you not say that your goal is to be happy?

Happiness is too fluid. It's not tied to something larger. It can come and go, and the smallest of events can affect it. Happiness can be as minor as being in a good mood, or being involved with something that makes you smile. Another person can make you happy. Another person can make you unhappy.

We want a job that makes us happy. We want a lifestyle that makes us "happy." We all want life to be fun, as stress-free as possible, and ultimately, happy.

I worked from home today, which is quite possibly my favorite type of schedule. I was able to sleep in, and still started my work day earlier than I normally do. I went for a two and a half mile run on the beach this morning, and captured the essence of an absolutely heavenly day, weatherwise. It's Friday, and that needs no explanation for adding to my happiness. I have some fun weekend plans with friends, and I get to spend Monday working at a golf tournament. I drove with the windows down and the roof open today. Life feels good; life is "happy."

But I'm not fulfilled.

That's where difference lies. You can be extremely happy, but know that ultimately, something major is missing and your life is lacking fulfillment at that time. Fulfillment comes in many forms. While I can say that my job is theoretically "fulfilling," it doesn't always go hand in hand with my being happy.

Fulfillment often indicates a purpose; you feel purposeful in your actions and therefore, generally feel happy. Fulfillment is more solid than happiness, less likely to sway with the events of the day.

I can't knock being happy. There are many days that I can't come up with legitimate reasons to be happy. I can think of reasons to be grateful, but gratefulness doesn't have to translate to happiness. And sadly, happiness isn't as good when it's not tempered with fulfillment.

There's something to be said for wanting it all. I suppose that's why we have goals, and a better goal is to be fulfilled, than just happy.

The Onset of Fall

I discovered this morning that the world actually happens before 9 a.m. on the weekend. I cannot remember the last time I was actually up, moving, and out of the house before 9 in the morning on a Sunday. My first realization when I walked out of my apartment was wow, it's cold. Fall is almost officially here, and I'm definitely not ready for it.

I'm not going to lie - looking out the window, it's a perfectly beautiful day. I should go for a run, or at the very least, throw on a sweatshirt and sit on the beach. I have my windows open, but still, watching the blue sky and feeling the air from indoors shouldn't be enough.

I miss fall in Charleston. Fall in Charleston is mostly days like today. I am defiant against appreciating Fall in New York, because winter has a tendency to sneak up out of nowhere. Once that happens, it's nothing but wearing too many layers of clothes and counting the weeks until I can take vacations elsewhere.

I spend at least eight months of the year waiting for summer here.

It's been an odd couple of weeks in my world...life has been turning upside down on an almost daily basis. Some days, the upside down is a good thing. It's an unexpected surprise, something that makes me happy. Those are the days that I go into work the next morning with a smile on my face, and nothing can bother me. Then there are the days that my world turns over again, and everything feels a little more empty.

Is it worth it to have that transient kind of sudden happiness? The fleeting kind that can and will disappear as soon as you blink? Or not...

This week, I'm voting "not."

"Do you lie awake and wonder why?
Is it always the same thing or is this just a new dream that's keeping you up at night"
- "First Week"
Graham Colton Band

Three more for the list

While I will not reiterate my "people should have to take a class to use an umbrella in the City" rant, I will add another casualty to the list. I was walking under a scaffold this morning behind this roughly five foot tall garden gnome of a man. The elf in question was carrying an umbrella suitable only for shielding Diddy, or for professional golf. Clearly, neither reason fit his "needs" and he was walking aimlessly with it. He did not realize that the umbrella was, indeed, wider than the passage he was walking through. He managed to stop short, get stuck, and cause me to be impaled by the person behind me. Awesome.

Enough of the umbrella jackasses...we move on. Babytalk in public places. I was two seats away from a girl who spoke babytalk to her boyfriend, almost the whole way home...yes, almost an hour. "Yes, this is your IPod. Do you want your IPod, sweetie?" It was in this grating, nauseating babytalk voice that made me want to assail her with someone's umbrella.

Last but not least, people who live in apartments should not cook food that will cause entire floors to smell. Especially when the smell can not be identified as a food, or even a cuisine, but rather as a "what the hell is that awful smell?!"

I think it's time to call it a day...

An exercise in futility...

So I could be doing my dishes. I could be unpacking. I could be straightening up my apartment, or getting the mountain of sand off my floor. After all, there is nothing quite like getting out of the shower and then tracking sand off your living room floor to work on the bottoms of your feet.

But guess what? I'm not.

I'm notorious among my friends for liking guys that I shouldn't. Simply put, I am a magnet for all of the people I shouldn't be. I love to torture myself by falling for guys that are totally not right for me.

Now I've done something even worse. I've fallen for someone who is already spoken for by someone else. Coincidentally, I don't know this someone else, but I know that I shouldn't like him, simply because of her existence. Not for any other reason than the fact that he belongs to someone else. I've never been someone who believes in cheating, and I wouldn't want it to go in that direction...but just the same, I wish I could wake up tomorrow and the world would be a different place.

Jayme said it best the other night - "I'm going to give you advice that I know you won't take." I like to learn things the hard way. For some reason, falling on my face is the only way to make lessons resonate in my head.

It's been said before - we don't choose who we fall for. It is so hard to find someone that you truly click with, who always makes you smile...and it's even harder when that someone belongs to someone else.

Things I love about this week

- Heat waves...90+ degree days like today
- Falling asleep in the sun on the beach
- Drinking Coronas outside
- Rollerblading every day when I get home from work
- Grilling out
- Having internet at home again (and now, DVR on my TV)
- Happy Hour almost every day this week...
- My new apartment is almost completely unpacked/set-up and it's sweeeeet

I'm completely enchanted by the simple things this week....I so love the summertime :)

Good ol' iGoogle

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

I have a personalized Google homepage, and one of the features on it is a rotating movie/television quote. This would be more interesting, if it didn't constantly rotate the same five movies/shows. It's a small miracle if I now did not know every line from "Napoleon Dynamite", "Rocky", and most recently, "Grey's Anatomy."

The quote above just showed up on my screen - it's from "Grey's Anatomy." I've never really watched the show, but I loved that quote. Everyone knows the power of denial - allowing yourself to believe that something is totally different than you know it is, in reality. And, as the quote says, reality always manages to explode when you are least ready for it. You protect yourself from facing something that you know will eventually hurt so bad...but does the time you waste denying it actually make it hurt any less? Or does it really hurt more?

Of procrastination and astrology

I credit JR's roommate Ben with one of my favorite quotes, "Procrastination is a lot like masturbation, because in the end you're only fuc*ing yourself."

I am an absolute master at procrastination. I can focus on a task for thirty minutes, tops, before

I find something else that can successfully distract me. It seems like I have been packing for my move for, oh, forever now. I've also concluded that I will have to take a day off from work this week to finish. Oh well.

I actually made significant progress on the packing front today, so I'm not going to totally berate myself. Yet...if I procrastinated less over the last few weekends, I could actually be done. Que sera sera.

Over the last month, I started reading my horoscope online. I don't know why; maybe because it shows up on Google and that's my home page. And although Chris said that you can interpret it to fit anything, it seems as though they have been eerily accurate as of late. Nothing like knowing what your day has in store by reading a few vague lines each morning.

Friday was a bizarre day for me...it's kept me thinking, more than I should. I suppose that is how you react to something completely unexpected happening. Just the same, most of me knows that it's not worth ruminating about. Not everything has actual meaning behind it - sometimes it's all just about a few bottles of wine and some good conversation.

The weekend was quiet - good times with family, and way too much packing. I can't believe tomorrow is Monday already...where does the time off go?

But yeah, my head is full of random odds and ends. It's impossible to quiet my head when so much is going on. But I need to tell myself to quiet the thoughts I don't need to think about. I need to not focus on what isn't going to happen, but rather on what is happening.

Here's to another interesting week...

What we call managing expectations...

One of my all-time favorite movies is "Say Anything". In this movie, John Cusack has many great lines, but one in particular that often sums up life.

"You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed everything's kind of a pleasant surprise"

I try not to be cynical, to be more of an optimist. But how do you decide what you should truly have faith in, and who you can actually believe in?

The shortfallings of blind faith come in letting someone make everything seem better, knowing that s/he can just as quickly take all of it away. Part of you (maybe even most of you) knows how much pain that certain person can cause you, but just the same, the little moments always seem to count - maybe even more than they should.

Managing expectations - learning not to expect anything from people, and allowing yourself to be surprised. Always better than expecting people to rise above your expectations, and being disappointed.

Dear Creepy Morning Makeout Couple

On the rare days that my train is on time, I arrive in Penn Station at 8:23 a.m. Regardless, I am generally there by 9 a.m. I also should point out that I sleep on the train, so I'm not all that alert when I am getting off the train. Until my Starbucks is in hand, I'm in my own world, surrounded by whatever music is playing on my iPod.

I recently noticed this couple that takes the same train as me. I don't think they sit in the same car that I do, but then again, I sleep. Aside from the guy who sits next to me, gross snoring man who sits behind us, and the lady I refer to as "Spanish Si Lady" (she speaks Spanish on her cell phone, yet all you ever hear is very loud "Si! Si!"), I couldn't tell you who ten people in my train car are.

Anyhow, this couple gets off the train and stands to the side of the stairs on the platform and they literally swallow each other. This isn't a sweet kiss goodbye; it's straight up "let's get it on". They have their hands seriously all over each other, and this morning, he smacked her on the ass.

Does anyone really need to see this at 8:30 in the morning? What do they do on the train? I'm actually curious. The only reasonable explanation I have is that they're having an affair.

Otherwise, I just don't get it.

It's pretty gross, though.

Rainy Days and Mondays

...always get me down.

I'm so tired from the weekend, even more tired than when I legitimately go out. It's dark, rainy, and cold outside, the kind of weather where you would rather stay curled up in bed watching reruns of "Dawson's Creek" on television.

I sent in the application for my new apartment today - I'm so excited. I can't wait to spend the entire summer on the beach...provided the weather doesn't stay like this. Sweaters in June = wrong.

Brad's fiancee just sent me a link to their wedding website - I'm glad that this is happening a good two and a half years after I moved back to NY. Time sometimes makes all the difference in the world.

A Tribute to a Hero

Another person has died in Iraq.

His name is Matt Baylis, he was days from his 21st birthday, and he used to live two doors away from me. While I never knew him well, he was the younger brother of one of my brother's close friends. My brother saw him grow up, join the military, and go on to serve in Iraq.

My dad once told me that one of the hardest things about growing up is accepting that you will know more people who will pass away. The unfortunate fact is that while this is true, I find myself knowing a disproportionate number of people who die in senseless and tragic ways, rather than naturally.

Matt Baylis will be another name in the list of over 3,400 soldiers that have died in Iraq. When I was taking my quasi-grad classes, a professor used to post the list (I believe from the NY Times) of military people that lost their lives in Iraq. The visual effect was shocking.

Every day, we read another article proclaiming that nine people died in Iraq, five people were in a helicopter crash - people become statistics. We forget that these are individual people, who left behind families and friends, to serve as heroes and protect our safety. In today's world, we forget who heroes really are.

We just celebrated Memorial Day, which most of us view as another three day weekend. I spent it with one of my closest friends, whose husband passed away in a tragic helicopter crash just a few years ago. I read an article the other day, which reminded me that Memorial Day shouldn't be just one day - it isn't just a three day weekend, or a day for big sales. We need to better honor those who put their lives on the line for us, like Matt Baylis, for our freedom and well-being.

He was a true hero, and will always be remembered. Rest in peace, Matt.

And a forever tribute to another true hero, Lt. Pete Ober, who I miss more every single day.

Learning the hardest lessons

"Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment." - Evan Esar

People can be disappointing. It's as simple as that. If there is one lesson I should learn, it is that. I put too much faith in people that are undeserving.

I don't put enough trust in my instincts. I give people second chances who possibly never deserved a first chance. I forgive and forget much easier than I should.

Heartbreak sucks, but letting someone do it more than once is even worse. Once is enough.

Some people aren't worth your tears; some people aren't worth your time. Remembering who is truly important and who deserves you is not always as easy as it sounds.

Feeling sorry for yourself is a tiring act. Listening to depressing music only leaves you feeling worse. Especially when you know that things can (and will) be so much better in time.

Bill summed it up best this morning, when he gave me my new mantra for the week - "Well, if that's the best you could do, then your best sucks!"

Amen to that.

Desiderata

I found this poem yesterday and fell in love with it.

"Desiderata", by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Aside from the last stanza (? it's been too long since I studied poetry, because I mostly hate poetry), my favorite part is "And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." Although this sentiment is expressed to me almost daily, it is sometimes hard to believe. It often seems as though life is moving in the wrong direction, and the sequence of events add up to nothing good. Having faith that there is a plan behind it that I cannot see gives me comfort to wait out the rough patches.

Life has been kinda confusing lately, and I've been discouraged at times. But when it comes down to it, it's a beautiful life, and a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

And a great weekend this shall be...

Just for today

I used to be a dedicted journal writer - I penned my thoughts almost every day, starting during my freshman year of college. I'm not entirely sure why I stopped that ritual - it seemed that when my life was quiet (the times when I was settled), that I didn't have much to write about. My thoughts quieted, and I didn't feel the need to write to sort them out or clear my mind.

Looking back on these journals, I sometimes smile at what tragedy was rocking my world at seventeen, or what guy was breaking my heart at nineteen. While I can see countless ways in which I have grown, there are still a great many entries that could be written today and read the same.

In addition to what I wrote, I always pasted my concert ticket stubs in my journals, and I often clipped articles or other things that I read. If something impacted me enough to read it more than once, it had a place in my journal.

I woke up this morning and realized again, that I need to look at each day as one day, each hour as one hour. Life becomes overwhelming when you look at the big picture all the time. While it is necessary to have goals and far-reaching dreams, the individual steps that you take to get there are just as important, if not more important.

Thinking of this reminded me of something I clipped long ago. Ironically, it is from one of the advice columns (which I never read), and I think it is based on 12 step programs (like AA).

Here it is:

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.
I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct, and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today: I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully — if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

Today I will focus on what is happening at this moment in time, and not worry about tomorrow or the next day. I won't dwell on the future that scares me, or the things that bring me down. I will focus only on what is present, important, and makes me happy. I will deal with things as they come, rather than anticipating what's next.

It's a beautiful sunny day here in New York. I walked down the stairs of the subway this morning and got the B train within minutes (a true rarity). I've got my Starbucks and a muffin (since I ate four french fries for dinner last night). I'm going to see the Jesus and Mary Chain tonight at Webster Hall. Aside from the minor hangover I am sporting right now, I feel confident that it can be a good day.

Just for today - I will live through this day only.

Today I am grateful for.

..the "back" button on my cell phone.

Never text absentmindedly.

I can text better than anyone when I'm drinking. As a matter of fact, my ability to text while drinking seems to increase exponentially with the amount I drink (similar to my ability to dance, play darts, and shoot pool).

Yet I attempt to text sober today and almost send a message to the completely wrong person.

Lesson learned: when texting one person about someone else, don't send the text to the person you are talking about.

God bless the "back" button which saved me at the very last second

Overheard in New York

There is a website I used to enjoy reading, but rarely read anymore, Overheard in New York.

The site basically repeats snippets of completely absurd conversations, overheard in the streets of the City. Here is a gem from today:

Why They Don't Run FEMA Anymore
Bimbette #1: Wait, but, like... What state is Louisiana in, again?Bimbette #2: I don't know. Like, Arkansas?--56th & Madison

This morning, I honestly felt like submitting a few of my own. I have mentioned it before, and will say it again - I despise tourists. There is some definite irony in that, having grown up in New York (tourist central) and then living in Charleston (dependent on tourists to survive).

However, I think my living situations only escalated my disdain for them.

There is one Starbucks in Penn Station. Once you exit Penn Station, there is one every corner; but in Penn, there is just one. Needless to say the line is usually pretty long during rush hour in the morning. There were two Amtrak employees on line in front of me this morning. The woman, with her giant mountain of curly hair (clipped into poufy bow) turned to the man and drawled in her high pitch voice, "Back hoooome at Myrtle Beach, we've got a donut shop on every corner. You don't wait on no lines like these!" Okay. One, this isn't a donut shop. It's Starbucks. There are about 15 Dunkin Donuts in Penn, if you want a donut shop. There's also a Wings every corner in Myrtle Beach, and it's still trendy to wear that bow in your hair there, too.

Then, I was on the elevator in my building this morning listening to two guys who work for one of the Time Inc. entities on the ninth floor. They were discussing a new employee, who one guy said was his friend from college. The conversation went something like this:

Guy #1: So what do you think of the new guy?
Guy #2: Oh, he's my friend from school. I got him the job, even though we were in a hiring freeze. He had like five interviews, though.
Guy #1: Five interviews, huh. He must have interviewed with some pretty important people, like my dad, to get hired during a freeze.

Good to know nepotism is still alive and well in America.

The Fear You Won't Fall

I gravitate to certain types of music depending on the mood I am in. My state of mind seems to dictate what gets played on my IPod while I am walking to work, trying to tune out the world around me. When I am happy and life feels full of joy and promise, I tend to enjoy upbeat music - cheesy top 40, 80's music, bad pop. On the other hand, when I'm feeling down, my playlists can't include enough Damien Rice, Chris Isaak, and Elliott Smith.

Last night, while looking through ITunes for some new music, I stumbled upon the Joshua Radin song "The Fear You Won't Fall" and everything fell into place. I downloaded the entire album - it's beautiful. The downside is that after listening to all thirteen songs this morning on my way to work, I was in no mood to start my day on a bright note.

I am pure melancholy.

This is an album, much like "Forever Blue" by Chris Isaak that is written for the other half of a failed relationship, the person who left and took your heart with him (or her). Every song has the same message, little hope, and even less happiness.

The lyrics are beautiful, though.

I desperately need to snap out of the funk I'm in lately. There is much to look forward to in the near future, and I need to focus on that, rather than the negativity that is muddying my thoughts and overtaking my mindset.

No more Joshua Radin for today.

"Digging a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me air's getting thin but I'm trying I'm breathing in
Come find me
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought
I could
Can't get my mind off of you
I know you're scared that
I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd cal
lThought being alone
Was better than was better than
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you"
- "The Fear You Won't Fall"
Joshua Radin

Of Security Deposits and Wedding Bells

I spent a portion of the weekend looking at apartments, for my grand upcoming July 1 move. While I know that I want to live at the beach, my idea has been met with resistance by many, including my brother, who thinks I should live in Queens. His take is that Long Beach is simply filled with "just out of college kids and everyone from Long Island that we hate."

Regardless, over the next month, I need to find a suitable apartment within my means (easier said than done), pack all of my stuff, and put down the requisite first month - last month - security. Not to mention application fees, broker fees, etc. I miss the simplicity of apartment hunting in other states.

I miss my apartment in Charleston, that at its highest cost, was $665 a month. My apartment that was ten minutes to the beach and five minutes to downtown, in a complex with two pools, sand volleyball, tennis courts, basketball courts, and a hot tub. Now, it is a treat to get a dishwasher in a $1400/month apartment that is the size of my old screenporch.

Needless to say, the initial investment is quite large. While paying month to month rent will put a significant dent in the way I like to live, it's certainly feasible. I asked my mom if I could take money from a CD account that I have, a small inheritance that has gone untouched. She had no problem with this, as long as I left enough money in there to keep the account open. I questioned if my dad would have any objection.

She paused.

"Well, he said that he hoped you would keep that money for a wedding one day. That maybe he could loan you the money."

I didn't even know how to reply. Umm...a wedding. When am I having this wedding that I should be keeping this money aside for? Does having money put aside for a wedding sound a little creepy in this day and age? Just curious.

I think next time I am getting serious with someone, I'll throw out that card. "Guess what, I've got an inheritance account that can cover our wedding!"

Yeah.

So yesterday my brother was home and we were in the car together for about ten minutes (when he offered his "opinions" about where I should move). I told him what our dad had said about saving the money for a wedding, expecting that he would agree with me, that it was an insane concept.

His reply?

"Does he realize that wouldn't even cover 10% of a shit wedding nowadays?"

I'm still really not sure what the most disturbing part of this whole "how to spend the money" conversation was.

Always Wanting

5. Be more and have more

At the core, all of the above ideas can be summed up in a single method: simply convince yourself that you need more than you have at any given moment, and you will be able to maintain a steady feeling of anxiety throughout the day. This can be a feeling of needing to become more than you already are, or needing to have more than you have now (which are actually one and the same), and can be felt more generally as a perpetual sense of lack.

Brad sent me a link to this blog a few months back, which is entitled "5 Ideas for Stressful Living". Although it is intended as a tongue-in-cheek look at the way we intentionally make our lives stressful, I sadly realized that it mirrors the manner in which I live, more than it ought to.

I would be remiss if I said that the statement I posted above is the only one that I saw myself in. Rather, this statement was what really drove the point home, "One of the more absurd aspects of the ego is that it conditions you to actively seek negative results. It makes you think that what you want is peace, when its secret pleasure is always in conflict and negativity."

When do you ever feel that what you have is "enough"?

I can have an entirely "okay" day - in other words, the majority of things go right. But there's something missing, and the entire shift in balance leaves me lacking.

Yesterday was one of those days. In most terms, it was a decent day. Nothing actually bad happened, yet nothing remarkably good happened. And the one thing that could have made it feel like a "good" day didn't happen. In other words, I was (a) wanting more, (b) trying to control my world, and (c) trying to control the actions of another person. Three simple things that add so much more stress to my world.

As funny as that blog sounds when you read it, the reality of it all is less humorous. I think that I take steps to make my life less stressful, when in reality, my actions only make it more so.

I need to stop thinking that I'm on the brink of making my life better, and learn to live in the now. I need to learn to appreciate the one sunny, eighty degree day, rather than being discouraged when the ten day forecast shows nine days of rain following.

It is much more difficult to enjoy the present when you are always thinking that something equal or greater must follow. I need to stop always wanting more.

"Believe me that you're standing on the edge of something good.
And it's the hardest thing you ever had to do.
Truth be told you're begging on your knees
Singing please don't let it, please don't let it be."
- "Please Don't Let It Be
"The Alternate Routes

Today's horoscope

I love my customized Google page - it has ESPN headlines, People.com headlines, "actual news" headlines, and my daily horoscope (among other things).

Here is my horoscope for today: You may be uneasy and restless now, although normally you can make the best of any situation. Today, however, you can get lost in dreams of your future, even if these fantasies are not supported by the present circumstances. Give yourself permission to explore all possibilities, but don't confuse your ideas with reality.

Pretty interesting, huh. That sounds about right for me...

So I'm glad that I'm not nearly as sick as I was at the beginning of the week. I'm glad that it's Friday. I'm glad that tonight is Happy Hour and tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. My local minor league baseball team starts their season tonight. Life is pretty good on my end.

I just got a ticket to see one of the few bands that I love, but have never seen in concert, The Jesus and Mary Chain. I just signed up to play kickball again, on Monday nights in Riverside Park. I'm going to Virginia for a weekend in just two weeks.

I've got restless spring energy. I can't wait to go rollerblading, play golf at Robert Moses, lay out for hours on end, and go in the ocean. I can't wait to drink Coronas on the beach at sunset.

I'm so excited that summer is on its way.

Fleeting happiness

Between Saturday and yesterday, I spent a cool six hours in the Baltimore airport on layovers, which gave me more than enough time to watch a movie, read a book and then ponder until I fell asleep on my flight.

I just finished watching the movie, "The Freedom Writers" and then bought the book in the airport Borders - pretty interesting movie and book, even though the movie is a bit "MTV" at times (they produced it). Primarily, the movie appealed to me for the same reasons that "Coach Carter" did - one of my deepest desires has always been to really change someone's life in a positive way. Seeing movies, or reading stories about people who impact others in a positive and dramatic way always inspires me, but also forces me to look for meaning in all that I do.

As a writer, the topics written about by the students amazed me. While their stories were compelling, their writing style was really impressive for students that supposedly were "nothing" in the system. While you got a good feel for their writing in the movie, the book is the actual writing - and it shows so much more.

There is a part in the book, where the teacher shows them a poem that someone wrote. The person who wrote it attended college with her, and drowned in the San Francisco Bay shortly after writing it. More or less, it focused on the present and the future. After reading the poem, the teacher posed this question to the students - "'If you could live an eternity and not change a thing or exist for the blink of an eye and alter everything, what would you choose?"

We experience days, weeks, months, and even years where it seems that nothing is right. If we could change this, have that, everything would be better. Then, we experience that one fleeting moment where everything is perfect - the moment in time that you wish you could freeze. Yet nothing major has changed; your life simply handed you the moment you had been waiting for.
I'm coming off of a weekend that I could describe as perfect. While I was nothing but happy for a few days, coming back to reality hits that much harder. And the changes that would have to be made to make this more than just a fleeting moment, aren't likely or reasonable right now.

I wonder what it would be like to feel content - to not have the fleeting moments of extreme happiness, but rather a comfortable feeling of contentment. Would that be better that having those moments that leave you wanting more?

The Beauty in Leaving

"She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes"
- "Wide Open Spaces"
Dixie Chicks

I know there is a word for it, yet I don't know what it is. It's actually probably not a word, per se, but a psychological term or syndrome. Whatever it is – I have it and I'm feeling it.

From the time I was seventeen years old, I've moved as many times as I could count on both hands. The irony is this is that I never moved as a child – until seventeen, I was pretty stationary. I would be lying if I didn't spend the majority of those years counting the minutes until I could get out and start a new life for myself. I fancied escapism since the age I knew it was a viable option.

I wanted to go to college in California or Hawaii, as far away and as divergent from Long Island as humanly possible. My parents rejected that idea outright, and I soon discovered that Georgia was about as far away as they would let me go. Needless to say, reality did not meet up to my ideals and by the end of my first trimester I was ready to leave, to try something new. To be honest, if I hadn't met my college boyfriend at the beginning of my sophomore year, I doubt I would have stayed.

I insisted that I wouldn't return to New York after graduation, and I did, due to lack of opportunity elsewhere. I spent eight months living at home, working in the City, and going out every night in an effort to escape my dissatisfaction with the life I had.

The first opportunity to move again, I took. I packed my belongings and relocated to Charleston. With my dream career on deck and the promise of a bright future, everything was supposed to change. I tried every possible combination over the next few years: coupled, single, career-type job, waiting tables – yet nothing seemed to totally click. I would lie if I said I wasn't comfortable in Charleston; the job situation simply made it impossible to stay there.

So I moved back to New York, once again in search of opportunities and more room to make ever greater mistakes.

I have that feeling again; the feeling that if I don't make a change soon, it will become impossible for me to exist in my own world. Yet I know that it is the wrong time for me to leave – that moving and starting over would only present bigger problems.

Each day I feel as though I lose more of my faith, in things and people. It gets harder to look forward to the possibility that things can change. I feel like I am becoming more jaded, more cynical, and completely negative. It just feels impossible to be optimistic – to believe amongst all the chaos and bullshit that something real does exist.

I'm tired of being disappointed by people that I wrongly put faith in, trusted, or gave credit to. I'm over being hopeful about things that may never happen. It seems like the perfect time to pick up and go, to get away from all of the negativity that surrounds me and the people I need to get away from.

But does it ever really change anything?

"Some things you have to learn them all on your own
You can't rely on anybody else
Or the point of view of a source unknown
If it feels good and sounds nice
Then it's your choice
don't doubt yourself
Don't even think twice
Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
You know they like it when you smile
Find a reason to smile
Try not to focus on yourself
Share that love with someone else
Don't let the bitters bring you down"
- "Sooner or Later"
Michael Tolcher

It Is What It Is

My friend Joe and I were joking on the way home today about that phrase - "It is what it is." Basically, that needs to become my life's motto - I need to learn to let go of some things (namely what I cannot control) and accept that things "are what they are."

All day long, I have felt more stressed than I have in ages. It just seems like when your work life is making you crazy, if your personal life is reasonably calm, it doesn't seem as bad. And likewise. But when both are out of sync, the result is feeling like your head is going to explode.
That's exactly how I have felt all day today, like my head is going to explode.
I am notoriously a poor relaxer, when it comes to achieving balance. I relax well only when I have nothing else to think about (i.e. on vacation). When I attempt to relax otherwise, I pretty much fail miserably.

I want to quiet my head, to tell myself that most of what is causing me to stress so much is transient - that it will all pass. I try to tell myself that in the grand scheme of things, most of what is bothering me doesn't matter. Finally, I try to tell myself, "it is what it is" - in other words, it sucks that things aren't going right, but I have no power to change most of it.
I need to learn to compartmentalize - to reserve my stress for the things that matter (a.k.a the things worth stressing over) and for the things that I can control. I need to stop focusing on trying to figure out people that I don't understand. I need to trust my instincts more than I generally do.

I just hate feeling "off"...it's one of the worst feelings in the world.

A Lot Like Love

I love Netflix – it is one of my favorite things. Last week, in a failed effort to entertain myself while commuting, I discovered "Movie Notes", a feature on Netflix which allows you to send your friends remarks about the movies they rate. When I first went on the page, it showed "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", which Jayme rated 5 stars. I posted her a movie note, stating "Eternal piece of garbage." Needless to say, this inspired her ire. Within minutes, I received numerous "Movie Notes" from her, my personal favorite which read. "You've got to be fucking kidding me. This movie was awesome. How could your taste in music be so good and your taste in movies so bad?"

I confess – my taste in movies is often, at best, shameful. The movies I favor can generally be described as insipid, predictable, and generic. Knowing this, you will forgive me for watching (and somewhat enjoying) the movie I am about to reference.

A year or so ago, I stumbled upon "A Lot Like Love", which stars (I use that term loosely) Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet. From memory, they are college students who meet on a cross-country flight. They immediately sense a "connection" and share an amazing day together. Amanda Peet plays the role of the flighty girl – she has no definite plans and likes to live life as it happens. Ashton Kutcher, on the other hand, has every minute of his life planned out. He is going to graduate college, start a company, make millions, purchase a house, and then, get married. In that order. He is so confident in this plan that he gives her his parents' phone number and encourages her to call them in seven years, when all of this will be accomplished.
One can guess – life throws him a curveball. As he starts to accomplish these milestones, she comes back into the picture and he refuses to find a place for her. After all, the girlfriend marriage thing is the last factor in his equation. Until the other steps are complete, there's no sense in even trying.

Slowly, his world starts to crumble. His Internet start up goes bottoms-up, he has to sell his place and ends up moving home with his parents. In other words, life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

In my younger years, I was the biggest planner. I attempted to break my entire future into specific parameters, arbitrary deadlines, and little black and white boxes that everything was expected to fit into. I was to be married at 24, have my first kid at 26 and my second at 28. Now that I am knocking on 28's proverbial door, with no husband and no kids, I realize that this goal should probably be adjusted. In reality, when I look back on my 24th year, it was better spent that way, than if I had been married. I had no idea when I formulated that milestone, what 24 would really be like.

We all have plans; we all have goals. If we didn't, there would be no reason to get out of bed each day. But what we're often guilty of, is not being flexible enough. Much like the doomed Ashton Kutcher character in "A Lot Like Love", we think that life has a definite path – that B must follow A, and must also precede C. That if life doesn't happen in this fashion, that the outcome will surely be lessened. In other words, if we meet someone when we don't plan to, that our other life plans will suffer. In reality, this is hardly the case – we're often slow to realize that a slight shift in expectations and plans can often result in an even better future than we anticipated.

I have spent many periods of my life, telling myself things like, "This isn't the time for me to be in a relationship, I need to be single." Or "This is the time that I need to focus on work and not be distracted by other things." But life doesn't wait for you – it happens when it wants to. And when all is said and done, it is up to you to have your eyes open to opportunities and possibilities, and not to let them pass you by because it simply wasn't the day you expected them to come.

What are the odds?

I am a magnet for the uncanny, although I wish it would impact my life in other ways, such as winning the lottery. If I was to think of specific instances where my life seemed to defy the odds of actuality, I could probably create a small list. Certain experiences stand out more than others, of course. One such being years ago when I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend in the supermarket, when I foolishly opted to leave my apartment in the rain, after cleaning all day. Needless to say, I'm sure I made quite a lasting impression. At the time, I thought to myself, "What are the odds?" Of all the supermarkets in town, of all of the days, of all the exact times to crave brownies badly enough to leave my apartment looking the way I did.

When I moved back to New York, Brad and I drove my car; my parents drove the moving truck. Brad and I were almost out of town when my parents called to let us know they were stopping for bagels, the bagel store being next to my apartment complex. We turned the car around, entered the bagel store, just in time to see same ex with girlfriend (by then fiancee') on line. It was almost as if the scenario had been prearranged, just to see one last time the life I knew I was leaving behind, moving ahead from. Again, what were the odds?

I met a guy last month, on Ash Wednesday in a random church on Park Avenue. I was sick, looking possibly as awful as could be, and I chose a seat next to him. The Mass took place on a warm day (well, warm for NYC) and they had the doors open. Not only was the lunchtime Mass exceedingly crowded, but the doors being open did nothing to aid in hearing the words of the Mass. Eventually, I turned to him to see if he could hear anything, or if I was simply deaf that day. He couldn't either. The entire Mass was an entertaining circus; people bumrushed the altar to get their ashes and Communion, there was no music, and you couldn't hear a word they said. We started talking, and exchanged information for a future-to-be-determined-date...possibly for lunch.

While we have talked online for the past handful of weeks, we have never met up. Our schedules have constantly clashed, I went on vacation, he works long hours.

I exited my train this morning in Penn Station, and headed to Starbucks to get my coffee. Yes, I'm extremely ritualistic. Now as a journalist by nature, I wish I had a statistic to back this next point up. I'm going to have to guess "millions" of people walk through Penn Station each day. You rarely see the same faces twice (except for the select homeless who are always in the same spot at the same time of day, every day). In walking to Starbucks, I looked up and there he was, walking in the opposite direction. We exchanged surprised glances, he ended up treating me to coffee, and we walked to work together.

What are the odds?

"Serendipity. It's such a nice sounding word for what it means: a fortunate accident."

Resonation

Bittersweet: both pleasant and painful or regretful

I awoke this morning to a feeling of bewilderment - mostly due to the fact that I am basically running on empty as of late. My sleep and awake times are all over the place, with no rhyme or reason determining either. I have been travelling constantly, with little time to spend on the little things that make your day run smoothly. I am tired of cold weather, tired of snow; I lost my gloves before I left for Arizona and haven't found five minutes since to look for them.

It's been a complicated week, at least in my own mind. My mind has been battling both my heart and my conscience on a number of issues, and coming to no strong conclusions. The hectic nature of my world has made it difficult to focus on being where I should be in my life right now. I've been making decisions that I'm not sure of lately, acting in a way that isn't consistent with what I really want.

Brad told me last night that he is getting married. I know that I am happy for him, and a year ago, this news would have definitely been harder to accept. While I know that I am grateful to see him happy, it still leaves me feeling contemplative about my own world - my past, my present, my future. Something about other people's lives moving forward always makes me question my own direction.

There is an unavoidable feeling that follows anticipation - I am in that place right now. Vacation is over, my weekend is over...both events I had been anticipating for quite some time. My next weeks appear to be full of stress, with little specifics to look forward to. I miss waking up each day, knowing that something worth waiting for is on the horizon.

I want to be happy, to remove the parts of my life that are causing my mind to feel uneasy. I want to feel energized and excited, optimistic and hopeful. I want to feel confident in my decisions, and both safe and comfortable in my relationships. I want something to look forward to in my world that isn't fleeting.

"Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping
And all of your searching
For what?
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Take away from me
This monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's
Not gonna solve nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Could it be this
Could this be bliss
Could it be all that I ever had missed
Could it be true
Can life be new
And can I be used
Can I be used

Give me a reason
For life and for death
A reason for drowning
While I hold my breath
Something to laugh at
A reason to cry
With everyone hopeless
And hoping for something
To hope for
Yeah, with something to hope for"

- "Life And Love And Why"
Switchfoot

Lent and such

I am more than aware that it is Ash Wednesday. At 12:05, I will attend mass at some random church near my office. It's even on my Outlook calendar.

While I have planned this aspect for over a week, I have not come to a solid conclusion as to what I should give up this year.

I honestly can't remember a time when I succeeded 100% in my Lenten resolutions. I think that goes hand in hand with the fact that I often totally and completely lack willpower.

The problem isn't coming up with something to give up - there are a number of things I could give up. The issue is that I can rationalize not giving any of them up. Does that make me selfish?

Many/most years, my birthday falls during Lent. Spring break fell during Lent every year. St. Patrick's Day falls during Lent this year. I am going on vacation in ten days, clearly during the parameters of Lent.

For that reason, I can't give up drinking. I mean, I could, but I really don't want to. This should make me feel a little guilty.

I thought for a moment that I could give up wine, but that seems like kind of a cop-out, if I am still drinking beer, as I drink wine much less frequently.

I thought about giving up Starbucks, but I already had it today and that's my morning ritual - I'm a little too inflexible to make that change for 40 days - although, I would save roughly $200. Now that's depressing.

I could still give up coffee/espresso drinks (I had cider this morning at Starbucks), but then I'm out my morning caffeine. I'm not so sure I could live until 10 a.m. without it.

The year before last, I tried to sacrifice Red Bull. Again, my afternoons were spent in a cranky haze.

I suppose my realization is this - I'm being far too self centered and totally missing the point - sacrifice isn't supposed to be easy. I'm just feeling kind of unwilling to try.

There are plenty of things in this world I should give up; after all, we all have our vices, most which we wouldn't admit in a church atmosphere anyhow.

So do I take the plunge and give something up that will truly require sacrifice, take it day by day, and just see how I do? Or do I take the cop-out route and choose something that I won't truly miss?

Instinct and premonition

I walk to work the exact same way every day; not that there are a real variety of ways I could go, but I always take the same street to my office. In doing so, I cross four avenues.

Each morning when I am waiting to cross a certain one, I get a weird feeling that I have never have before. I feel like if I was ever going to get hit by a car, this is where it's going to happen. The stranger part is that I never think this crossing it the opposite way - only heading East. There's no logic behind this thought - it's just one of those strange premonitions we all have that we can't explain.

I am mildly superstitious. I honestly believe that if bad things are going to occur in my life, it will happen on the 28th. I came up with that one after a number of bad experiences seemed to occur on the 28ths of months. Now, unfortunately, as that date approaches each month, I await what will happen and breath a sigh of relief if it passes quietly.

I also have a bad luck song - sometime way back in the throes of adolscent turmoil, I must have been listening to "Ten", too much, as "Black" by Pearl Jam became my bad luck song. Without fail, if I hear that song on the radio, something is bound to go wrong. It's just a matter of waiting to see what it will be.

I pay so much attention to these strange superstitions and premonitions, that I often neglect logic. In telling Jayme my freak premonition that hits every morning crossing Greeley Square, she remarked, "Why don't you take a different path?"

It seems so simple, so logical. But it's so hard to reprogram how we think and what we choose to do.

Your instincts are usually right - that nagging feeling you can't quite explain that tells you something is wrong. You're in the wrong place, you're doing the wrong thing, you're making the wrong decision. Yet why is it so easy to overlook that "gut feeling"?

Not only is it difficult to make changes in a lifestyle that we're used to, there is a certain degree of uncertainly that follows. We do things all the time that we know aren't right for us; yet making the decision to stop is so much harder.

I've been plagued as of late with these thoughts, these uncertaintanties. But even worse, they're not unexplainable like the Greeley Square thing. They're logical...completely logical. Yet I find it impossible to change my ways. Either I'm too stupid...or not brave enough. I haven't decided which one - because neither sounds really good, does it?

A Book You Should Read

I am somewhat religious; I am somewhat spiritual. I am a total sucker for self-help books, although I never follow their advice.

Years ago, while poring through the books in Urban Outfitters, I stumbled upon a treasure in their collection - a little bright orange book entitled - "How to Be Happy, dammit" (subtitle: a cynic's guide to spiritual happiness).

I bought it because I found the title funny and I liked the layout of the book - it's colorful, pop-arty, and a quick read. It soon became one of my favorite books, and honestly, is one of the best roadmaps for life. I try to read it every few months, but generally find that I read it when I am down, feeling like the answers just aren't there.

Here are some of my favorite parts:
You always have a choice of emotional responses to life.

Happiness is not about what happens to you, but how you choose to respond to what happens.

You must always leave hope that all has happened for good cause.

Never go shopping for kiwis in a shoe store. Some people just don't what you need. So why waste time, banging on their doors, ringing their bells, demanding service?

If you keep doing what you've always been doing, then you'll keep getting what you've always been getting.

Your faith determines your destiny. So you must make sure that your faith remains stronger than your mood.

When you let go of unnecessary attachments, you pick up speed in heading toward your true goals.

Letting go and climbing up to higher life levels, means building new emotional muscles. And just like with all muscle growth, you will always feel the pain before you see the growth.

Love is what you're always looking for in all the things you're looking for.

Some days really suck. That goes without saying. Today in particular was one of those days, when it felt like the whole world was coming down on me. I drudged through the whole day, waiting for it to end.

Then I remembered something important - I have control over that. I just need to wake up and believe that the choices I am making are the best ones (even when they hurt like hell or really seem to suck) and that I am choosing happiness...at least for that moment.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Lucky you

"You coulda made a safer bet
but what you break is what you get
you wake up in the bed you make
I think you made a big mistake."
- "Lucky You"
The National

Sadly, admittedly, my favorite TV show is "One Tree Hill". This could be for a number of reasons - one, I watch very little television. Two, I am notorious for getting sucked into insidious teen dramas. Three, there is always amazing music on this show. Four, they start and/or end the show with literary quotes, which I am a total geek for loving.

The quote on my page today is from an episode way back one - probably season one - really insignificant to my point, either way.

T.H. White said: Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return.

In the episode prior to that, there is a great dialogue exchange. One character questions, "How did we get so broken?" And the other replies, "We fell in love, and at some point, the people we love forgot to love us back."

(No, I don't remember this all offhand, it is catalogued online) :)

Why is it that the people we try the hardest for, the ones we give our hearts to without even thinking are generally the ones who don't stop to recognize this?

And in some cases, it's (thankfully) not even our hearts - it is our efforts, our time, our confidence and our souls. The intangibles in life.

Either way, it's sad and it sucks.

Wondering...

What the fuck am I thinking?

I have a total need to escape reality lately.

Thinking that things that bother me will go away if I don't think about them

The easiest place to go is always the one place I don't belong

And I know better

Reality resonates but doesn't click

Some things in life aren't worth fighting for

Some things should come easier

Some things should be more fun

Every once in awhile, someone should meet your expectations.

Other Side of the World

"The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's to hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me"
- "Other Side of the World"
KT Tunstall

I know life isn't supposed to be easy. I understand the whole concept of "for there to be compassion, there has to be suffering"; I also get that life's rewards are more meaningful when they come after effort and difficulty. I recognize, most of all, that we are responsible for our own decisions.

Some days I think that the world is a decent place - that people are basically good, and that it all seems worthwhile. These are the days that I find hope in the unknown, believing that something amazing can and will happen.

Other days, I find are full of tired excuses. Things don't change, people aren't what you hope or expect they can be. Life feels worn.

It's not necessarily that anything has changed - some days just feel better than others. It's so simple to give up - to believe that you will never have the future you dreamed of, never find the love you deserve, never accomplish all that you hoped to.

Why is it so much easier to put that fire out, than to try to keep it kindling?

"But you are what you love
And not what loves you back
So I guess that's why you keep calling me back
I'm fraudulent, a thief at best
A coward who paints a bullshit canvas
Things that will never happen to me
But at arms length, it's Tim who said I'm good at it, I've mastered it
Avoiding, avoiding everything"
- "You Are What You Love"
Jenny Lewis

Think Again

"Think again
Don't give in
This isn't what you want "
- "Think Again"
Teddy Thompson

The people who I admire most are the ones who know who they are and what they stand for. They are the people who know what they believe in, what they want out of life, and what they deserve. They are the people who do not compromise themselves out of weakness or to fit a particular situation.

Most of us know what we want from life - from our jobs, our friends, and our relationships. Yet it's so easy to find yourself involved in something that is in direct conflict with what you know, deep down inside, you believe in.

We all know (in theory) what we stand for. It's so easy to tell someone what you believe it, what's important to you. Yet it's equally as easy, if not easier, to sacrifice that.
It seems like life is okay when it's fun and things are "going well". But one hard look at reality paints a different picture. It's fun because it's easy...and it doesn't match the person you truly are. Sometimes it's just easier to go along with it, than to think about who you really are, what you stand for, and what it all means.

I wish I wasn't that person, sometimes.

"This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose"
- "This is Your Life"
Switchfoot

The little things

Weekdays mornings when I walk to work, I'm generally not really happy. It could be that I'm not much of a morning person and I hate waking up at 5:25 each day. It could be that I hate the smell of Penn Station by the 1/9 subway, aptly described online as smelling of "Rotten sourdough bread and soured towels ... Rancid, biologicalish, garbagey ... Candy-store buttered popcorn ... Smell of a thousand rotting feet ... Ass ... Funky feet and Doritos ... Urine-soaked fish ... Fecal fiesta." (Sorry, I think that description is beyond fitting and should paint a fabulous mental picture for those of you who don't have the pleasure of sniffing Penn right after breakfast.)

Once I am finally outside, my sub-mile walk through Midtown to my office is cluttered with tourists stopping every ten seconds to take a photo on the street, people who like to type on their BlackBerrys while "walking", and an assortment of other people who don't "get" how to walk down a crowded sidewalk.

These little annoyances make it difficult to appreciate being in the City everyday. I hate winter; I hate the cold. I'm not a fan of the fact that people always seem angry in the City. But there is a part of me that will always love New York, having grown up here.

Today at about 10:00 a.m., in the midst of a perfectly clear blue sky (cold) day, one of my coworkers noted out the window that it was snowing. This was the first snow shower of the season, and we all gathered excitedly at the windows to watch. Although it was done no more than ten minutes later, I remembered that snow falling over Manhattan is a beautiful sight.

Another one of my coworkers walked to the side window, which no one ever looks out. It's buried perilously behind the copy machine, where no one dares to tread. He called me over there to point out something that none of us has ever really "noticed" - a magnificent head-on view of the Empire State Building.

These are the little things I fail to appreciate in my day-to-day life. These are the type of things I need to see the beauty in, when I get bogged down in the typical annoyances of working in the City.

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." - "American Beauty"

The last kiss

On New Year's Eve, I watched "The Last Kiss", which recently came out on DVD. The movie, which stars Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson is basically about life, the inevitable quarterlife crisis, and why relationships don't survive.

In a nutshell - Zach Braff is a 29 year old architect, living with a girl who everyone thinks is perfect. He, at one point, found her perfect, too. He has made every excuse as to why they shouldn't marry yet, citing the unhappiness and breakdown of every married couple they know...including their parents. She finds out they are having a baby - he meets 20 year old Rachel Bilson, a local college student. While he should be looking at life from an adult perspective, he embarks on an affair with her, in an effort to escape the predictability that settling eventually brings.

I won't ruin the rest of the movie for you (after all, that's enough plot for you to rent it...), but when it was done, I felt cynical and sort of depressed. I'm not the only person who felt this way after seeing this film. Everyone agrees that they enjoyed it, but they also feel it's a reasonably accurate take on relationships and our perception of growing up and taking on responsibility.

Regardless...it was a bad choice for New Years Eve. While I was getting ready to go out and start 2007 with a fresh, optimistic outlook, I instead felt jaded and cynical. That this is reality. Maybe I am better off with the less realistic movies that paint a more positive (yet I repeat, unrealistic) portrait of life, love, and relationships.

Just the same, there was an amazing quote in the movie. When his girlfriend is talking to her mother, her mother comments "Life is pretty much in the grays. If you insist on black and white, you're going to be unhappy."

This is what I am trying this year - to stop insisting on black and white in life. I am making an effort to stop overanalyzing and looking for perfection, idealism, and sense in everything in my life. It seems the more you try to make everything fit a certain way, the less it actually does.
Maybe absolutes aren't the key to happiness, after all. Or is that simply settling?