Lent and such

I am more than aware that it is Ash Wednesday. At 12:05, I will attend mass at some random church near my office. It's even on my Outlook calendar.

While I have planned this aspect for over a week, I have not come to a solid conclusion as to what I should give up this year.

I honestly can't remember a time when I succeeded 100% in my Lenten resolutions. I think that goes hand in hand with the fact that I often totally and completely lack willpower.

The problem isn't coming up with something to give up - there are a number of things I could give up. The issue is that I can rationalize not giving any of them up. Does that make me selfish?

Many/most years, my birthday falls during Lent. Spring break fell during Lent every year. St. Patrick's Day falls during Lent this year. I am going on vacation in ten days, clearly during the parameters of Lent.

For that reason, I can't give up drinking. I mean, I could, but I really don't want to. This should make me feel a little guilty.

I thought for a moment that I could give up wine, but that seems like kind of a cop-out, if I am still drinking beer, as I drink wine much less frequently.

I thought about giving up Starbucks, but I already had it today and that's my morning ritual - I'm a little too inflexible to make that change for 40 days - although, I would save roughly $200. Now that's depressing.

I could still give up coffee/espresso drinks (I had cider this morning at Starbucks), but then I'm out my morning caffeine. I'm not so sure I could live until 10 a.m. without it.

The year before last, I tried to sacrifice Red Bull. Again, my afternoons were spent in a cranky haze.

I suppose my realization is this - I'm being far too self centered and totally missing the point - sacrifice isn't supposed to be easy. I'm just feeling kind of unwilling to try.

There are plenty of things in this world I should give up; after all, we all have our vices, most which we wouldn't admit in a church atmosphere anyhow.

So do I take the plunge and give something up that will truly require sacrifice, take it day by day, and just see how I do? Or do I take the cop-out route and choose something that I won't truly miss?

Instinct and premonition

I walk to work the exact same way every day; not that there are a real variety of ways I could go, but I always take the same street to my office. In doing so, I cross four avenues.

Each morning when I am waiting to cross a certain one, I get a weird feeling that I have never have before. I feel like if I was ever going to get hit by a car, this is where it's going to happen. The stranger part is that I never think this crossing it the opposite way - only heading East. There's no logic behind this thought - it's just one of those strange premonitions we all have that we can't explain.

I am mildly superstitious. I honestly believe that if bad things are going to occur in my life, it will happen on the 28th. I came up with that one after a number of bad experiences seemed to occur on the 28ths of months. Now, unfortunately, as that date approaches each month, I await what will happen and breath a sigh of relief if it passes quietly.

I also have a bad luck song - sometime way back in the throes of adolscent turmoil, I must have been listening to "Ten", too much, as "Black" by Pearl Jam became my bad luck song. Without fail, if I hear that song on the radio, something is bound to go wrong. It's just a matter of waiting to see what it will be.

I pay so much attention to these strange superstitions and premonitions, that I often neglect logic. In telling Jayme my freak premonition that hits every morning crossing Greeley Square, she remarked, "Why don't you take a different path?"

It seems so simple, so logical. But it's so hard to reprogram how we think and what we choose to do.

Your instincts are usually right - that nagging feeling you can't quite explain that tells you something is wrong. You're in the wrong place, you're doing the wrong thing, you're making the wrong decision. Yet why is it so easy to overlook that "gut feeling"?

Not only is it difficult to make changes in a lifestyle that we're used to, there is a certain degree of uncertainly that follows. We do things all the time that we know aren't right for us; yet making the decision to stop is so much harder.

I've been plagued as of late with these thoughts, these uncertaintanties. But even worse, they're not unexplainable like the Greeley Square thing. They're logical...completely logical. Yet I find it impossible to change my ways. Either I'm too stupid...or not brave enough. I haven't decided which one - because neither sounds really good, does it?

A Book You Should Read

I am somewhat religious; I am somewhat spiritual. I am a total sucker for self-help books, although I never follow their advice.

Years ago, while poring through the books in Urban Outfitters, I stumbled upon a treasure in their collection - a little bright orange book entitled - "How to Be Happy, dammit" (subtitle: a cynic's guide to spiritual happiness).

I bought it because I found the title funny and I liked the layout of the book - it's colorful, pop-arty, and a quick read. It soon became one of my favorite books, and honestly, is one of the best roadmaps for life. I try to read it every few months, but generally find that I read it when I am down, feeling like the answers just aren't there.

Here are some of my favorite parts:
You always have a choice of emotional responses to life.

Happiness is not about what happens to you, but how you choose to respond to what happens.

You must always leave hope that all has happened for good cause.

Never go shopping for kiwis in a shoe store. Some people just don't what you need. So why waste time, banging on their doors, ringing their bells, demanding service?

If you keep doing what you've always been doing, then you'll keep getting what you've always been getting.

Your faith determines your destiny. So you must make sure that your faith remains stronger than your mood.

When you let go of unnecessary attachments, you pick up speed in heading toward your true goals.

Letting go and climbing up to higher life levels, means building new emotional muscles. And just like with all muscle growth, you will always feel the pain before you see the growth.

Love is what you're always looking for in all the things you're looking for.

Some days really suck. That goes without saying. Today in particular was one of those days, when it felt like the whole world was coming down on me. I drudged through the whole day, waiting for it to end.

Then I remembered something important - I have control over that. I just need to wake up and believe that the choices I am making are the best ones (even when they hurt like hell or really seem to suck) and that I am choosing happiness...at least for that moment.

Tomorrow will be a better day.