24 Hours

I was home sick yesterday. The majority of my day was spent either in bed or on the couch; I watched a movie and two television shows. I can't remember the last time I watched over three hours of concurrent television.

I awoke this morning to grey skies, damp cold, and wind outside my apartment that sounded like the world was ending. Part of me was determined to stay in bed, to shut out the world. After all, what is there to do on a day like today, other than to repeat the uselessness of the day before?

I got out of bed. I ate breakfast and took a shower. I was momentarily sidetracked by an absolutely horrid episode of "Beverly Hills 90210" (the early years) on Soapnet, but after fifteen minutes of humor, got my day back on track.

After months of excuses, I finally got a library card and took out four books. I took one of the books next door to Starbucks and read the first fifty pages with a venti white mocha in hand, stopping only for the occasional people watching experience. I ran errands. I went to five o'clock mass - the first time I've attended church since Easter.

I've felt very ungrounded lately, which is strange, since I've been making mostly decent decisions. Usually I recognize feeling ungrounded when I make a really off-kilter decision; but, as I said, lately I've been making mostly "ok" decisions for myself.

I took a book out of the library today that I have picked up numerous times in the bookstore, but have never bought - Saturday, by Ian McEwan. I've never read anything written by him, but always felt compelled to do so.

Saturday is a heavy read, mostly because McEwan does not write in a very plot driven fashion - he expends pages on descriptions in colorful language, which I often find myself skimming through in other books I read. It's not a book which I had difficulty putting down, but I also would be remiss to say that it's not worth reading. I get the feeling that when I finally finish it. I will view it more as an experience, than as a book that was necessarily "fun."

There were two sections that resonated with me. One reads as follows:
"On a recent Sunday evening Theo came up with an aphorism: the bigger you think, the crappier it looks. Asked to explain he said, 'When we go on about the big things, the political situation, global warming, world poverty, it all looks terrible, with nothing getting better, nothing to look forward to. But when I think small, closer in - you know, a girl I've just met, or this song we're going to do with Chas, or snowboarding next month, then it looks great. So this is going to be my motto - think small."

Another part of the book that I loved was not a section, but rather a quote - "Happiness seemed like a betrayal of principle, but happiness was unavoidable."

At times, happiness feels shallow; it lacks the depth that sadness inevitably does. Your thoughts, when happy, seem shorter and less significant. However, when you're unhappy, you tend to think more, think deeper. When you are happy, you tend to "think small," yet when you're unhappy, you see a bigger picture. More things to fear, more things to worry about, more things to generally feel unhappy about.

While I appreciate the value of deep thought, of evaluating my emotions, sometimes there is a benefit in "thinking small," and not viewing it as a betrayal of principle.

I need to find the balance between being happy and feeling grounded, to find the place where happiness and feeling strong coincide. I need to be a better version of myself, and to feel comfortable in doing so. It's easy to fall into a trap of over self-examination, to not want to get out of bed on a gray, cold, rainy day ... but there is so much of the world outside that is worth experiencing, for better or for worse.

Is it enough to be happy?

In one of the six million books I have read, I remember reading a section about why you should never say that "being happy" is your goal. This resonated with me, as it is probably the number one response I would give to that question, or any other like it.

The next question is, why? Why can you not say that your goal is to be happy?

Happiness is too fluid. It's not tied to something larger. It can come and go, and the smallest of events can affect it. Happiness can be as minor as being in a good mood, or being involved with something that makes you smile. Another person can make you happy. Another person can make you unhappy.

We want a job that makes us happy. We want a lifestyle that makes us "happy." We all want life to be fun, as stress-free as possible, and ultimately, happy.

I worked from home today, which is quite possibly my favorite type of schedule. I was able to sleep in, and still started my work day earlier than I normally do. I went for a two and a half mile run on the beach this morning, and captured the essence of an absolutely heavenly day, weatherwise. It's Friday, and that needs no explanation for adding to my happiness. I have some fun weekend plans with friends, and I get to spend Monday working at a golf tournament. I drove with the windows down and the roof open today. Life feels good; life is "happy."

But I'm not fulfilled.

That's where difference lies. You can be extremely happy, but know that ultimately, something major is missing and your life is lacking fulfillment at that time. Fulfillment comes in many forms. While I can say that my job is theoretically "fulfilling," it doesn't always go hand in hand with my being happy.

Fulfillment often indicates a purpose; you feel purposeful in your actions and therefore, generally feel happy. Fulfillment is more solid than happiness, less likely to sway with the events of the day.

I can't knock being happy. There are many days that I can't come up with legitimate reasons to be happy. I can think of reasons to be grateful, but gratefulness doesn't have to translate to happiness. And sadly, happiness isn't as good when it's not tempered with fulfillment.

There's something to be said for wanting it all. I suppose that's why we have goals, and a better goal is to be fulfilled, than just happy.

The Onset of Fall

I discovered this morning that the world actually happens before 9 a.m. on the weekend. I cannot remember the last time I was actually up, moving, and out of the house before 9 in the morning on a Sunday. My first realization when I walked out of my apartment was wow, it's cold. Fall is almost officially here, and I'm definitely not ready for it.

I'm not going to lie - looking out the window, it's a perfectly beautiful day. I should go for a run, or at the very least, throw on a sweatshirt and sit on the beach. I have my windows open, but still, watching the blue sky and feeling the air from indoors shouldn't be enough.

I miss fall in Charleston. Fall in Charleston is mostly days like today. I am defiant against appreciating Fall in New York, because winter has a tendency to sneak up out of nowhere. Once that happens, it's nothing but wearing too many layers of clothes and counting the weeks until I can take vacations elsewhere.

I spend at least eight months of the year waiting for summer here.

It's been an odd couple of weeks in my world...life has been turning upside down on an almost daily basis. Some days, the upside down is a good thing. It's an unexpected surprise, something that makes me happy. Those are the days that I go into work the next morning with a smile on my face, and nothing can bother me. Then there are the days that my world turns over again, and everything feels a little more empty.

Is it worth it to have that transient kind of sudden happiness? The fleeting kind that can and will disappear as soon as you blink? Or not...

This week, I'm voting "not."

"Do you lie awake and wonder why?
Is it always the same thing or is this just a new dream that's keeping you up at night"
- "First Week"
Graham Colton Band

Three more for the list

While I will not reiterate my "people should have to take a class to use an umbrella in the City" rant, I will add another casualty to the list. I was walking under a scaffold this morning behind this roughly five foot tall garden gnome of a man. The elf in question was carrying an umbrella suitable only for shielding Diddy, or for professional golf. Clearly, neither reason fit his "needs" and he was walking aimlessly with it. He did not realize that the umbrella was, indeed, wider than the passage he was walking through. He managed to stop short, get stuck, and cause me to be impaled by the person behind me. Awesome.

Enough of the umbrella jackasses...we move on. Babytalk in public places. I was two seats away from a girl who spoke babytalk to her boyfriend, almost the whole way home...yes, almost an hour. "Yes, this is your IPod. Do you want your IPod, sweetie?" It was in this grating, nauseating babytalk voice that made me want to assail her with someone's umbrella.

Last but not least, people who live in apartments should not cook food that will cause entire floors to smell. Especially when the smell can not be identified as a food, or even a cuisine, but rather as a "what the hell is that awful smell?!"

I think it's time to call it a day...

An exercise in futility...

So I could be doing my dishes. I could be unpacking. I could be straightening up my apartment, or getting the mountain of sand off my floor. After all, there is nothing quite like getting out of the shower and then tracking sand off your living room floor to work on the bottoms of your feet.

But guess what? I'm not.

I'm notorious among my friends for liking guys that I shouldn't. Simply put, I am a magnet for all of the people I shouldn't be. I love to torture myself by falling for guys that are totally not right for me.

Now I've done something even worse. I've fallen for someone who is already spoken for by someone else. Coincidentally, I don't know this someone else, but I know that I shouldn't like him, simply because of her existence. Not for any other reason than the fact that he belongs to someone else. I've never been someone who believes in cheating, and I wouldn't want it to go in that direction...but just the same, I wish I could wake up tomorrow and the world would be a different place.

Jayme said it best the other night - "I'm going to give you advice that I know you won't take." I like to learn things the hard way. For some reason, falling on my face is the only way to make lessons resonate in my head.

It's been said before - we don't choose who we fall for. It is so hard to find someone that you truly click with, who always makes you smile...and it's even harder when that someone belongs to someone else.

Things I love about this week

- Heat waves...90+ degree days like today
- Falling asleep in the sun on the beach
- Drinking Coronas outside
- Rollerblading every day when I get home from work
- Grilling out
- Having internet at home again (and now, DVR on my TV)
- Happy Hour almost every day this week...
- My new apartment is almost completely unpacked/set-up and it's sweeeeet

I'm completely enchanted by the simple things this week....I so love the summertime :)

Good ol' iGoogle

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

I have a personalized Google homepage, and one of the features on it is a rotating movie/television quote. This would be more interesting, if it didn't constantly rotate the same five movies/shows. It's a small miracle if I now did not know every line from "Napoleon Dynamite", "Rocky", and most recently, "Grey's Anatomy."

The quote above just showed up on my screen - it's from "Grey's Anatomy." I've never really watched the show, but I loved that quote. Everyone knows the power of denial - allowing yourself to believe that something is totally different than you know it is, in reality. And, as the quote says, reality always manages to explode when you are least ready for it. You protect yourself from facing something that you know will eventually hurt so bad...but does the time you waste denying it actually make it hurt any less? Or does it really hurt more?

Of procrastination and astrology

I credit JR's roommate Ben with one of my favorite quotes, "Procrastination is a lot like masturbation, because in the end you're only fuc*ing yourself."

I am an absolute master at procrastination. I can focus on a task for thirty minutes, tops, before

I find something else that can successfully distract me. It seems like I have been packing for my move for, oh, forever now. I've also concluded that I will have to take a day off from work this week to finish. Oh well.

I actually made significant progress on the packing front today, so I'm not going to totally berate myself. Yet...if I procrastinated less over the last few weekends, I could actually be done. Que sera sera.

Over the last month, I started reading my horoscope online. I don't know why; maybe because it shows up on Google and that's my home page. And although Chris said that you can interpret it to fit anything, it seems as though they have been eerily accurate as of late. Nothing like knowing what your day has in store by reading a few vague lines each morning.

Friday was a bizarre day for me...it's kept me thinking, more than I should. I suppose that is how you react to something completely unexpected happening. Just the same, most of me knows that it's not worth ruminating about. Not everything has actual meaning behind it - sometimes it's all just about a few bottles of wine and some good conversation.

The weekend was quiet - good times with family, and way too much packing. I can't believe tomorrow is Monday already...where does the time off go?

But yeah, my head is full of random odds and ends. It's impossible to quiet my head when so much is going on. But I need to tell myself to quiet the thoughts I don't need to think about. I need to not focus on what isn't going to happen, but rather on what is happening.

Here's to another interesting week...

What we call managing expectations...

One of my all-time favorite movies is "Say Anything". In this movie, John Cusack has many great lines, but one in particular that often sums up life.

"You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed everything's kind of a pleasant surprise"

I try not to be cynical, to be more of an optimist. But how do you decide what you should truly have faith in, and who you can actually believe in?

The shortfallings of blind faith come in letting someone make everything seem better, knowing that s/he can just as quickly take all of it away. Part of you (maybe even most of you) knows how much pain that certain person can cause you, but just the same, the little moments always seem to count - maybe even more than they should.

Managing expectations - learning not to expect anything from people, and allowing yourself to be surprised. Always better than expecting people to rise above your expectations, and being disappointed.

Dear Creepy Morning Makeout Couple

On the rare days that my train is on time, I arrive in Penn Station at 8:23 a.m. Regardless, I am generally there by 9 a.m. I also should point out that I sleep on the train, so I'm not all that alert when I am getting off the train. Until my Starbucks is in hand, I'm in my own world, surrounded by whatever music is playing on my iPod.

I recently noticed this couple that takes the same train as me. I don't think they sit in the same car that I do, but then again, I sleep. Aside from the guy who sits next to me, gross snoring man who sits behind us, and the lady I refer to as "Spanish Si Lady" (she speaks Spanish on her cell phone, yet all you ever hear is very loud "Si! Si!"), I couldn't tell you who ten people in my train car are.

Anyhow, this couple gets off the train and stands to the side of the stairs on the platform and they literally swallow each other. This isn't a sweet kiss goodbye; it's straight up "let's get it on". They have their hands seriously all over each other, and this morning, he smacked her on the ass.

Does anyone really need to see this at 8:30 in the morning? What do they do on the train? I'm actually curious. The only reasonable explanation I have is that they're having an affair.

Otherwise, I just don't get it.

It's pretty gross, though.

Rainy Days and Mondays

...always get me down.

I'm so tired from the weekend, even more tired than when I legitimately go out. It's dark, rainy, and cold outside, the kind of weather where you would rather stay curled up in bed watching reruns of "Dawson's Creek" on television.

I sent in the application for my new apartment today - I'm so excited. I can't wait to spend the entire summer on the beach...provided the weather doesn't stay like this. Sweaters in June = wrong.

Brad's fiancee just sent me a link to their wedding website - I'm glad that this is happening a good two and a half years after I moved back to NY. Time sometimes makes all the difference in the world.

A Tribute to a Hero

Another person has died in Iraq.

His name is Matt Baylis, he was days from his 21st birthday, and he used to live two doors away from me. While I never knew him well, he was the younger brother of one of my brother's close friends. My brother saw him grow up, join the military, and go on to serve in Iraq.

My dad once told me that one of the hardest things about growing up is accepting that you will know more people who will pass away. The unfortunate fact is that while this is true, I find myself knowing a disproportionate number of people who die in senseless and tragic ways, rather than naturally.

Matt Baylis will be another name in the list of over 3,400 soldiers that have died in Iraq. When I was taking my quasi-grad classes, a professor used to post the list (I believe from the NY Times) of military people that lost their lives in Iraq. The visual effect was shocking.

Every day, we read another article proclaiming that nine people died in Iraq, five people were in a helicopter crash - people become statistics. We forget that these are individual people, who left behind families and friends, to serve as heroes and protect our safety. In today's world, we forget who heroes really are.

We just celebrated Memorial Day, which most of us view as another three day weekend. I spent it with one of my closest friends, whose husband passed away in a tragic helicopter crash just a few years ago. I read an article the other day, which reminded me that Memorial Day shouldn't be just one day - it isn't just a three day weekend, or a day for big sales. We need to better honor those who put their lives on the line for us, like Matt Baylis, for our freedom and well-being.

He was a true hero, and will always be remembered. Rest in peace, Matt.

And a forever tribute to another true hero, Lt. Pete Ober, who I miss more every single day.

Learning the hardest lessons

"Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment." - Evan Esar

People can be disappointing. It's as simple as that. If there is one lesson I should learn, it is that. I put too much faith in people that are undeserving.

I don't put enough trust in my instincts. I give people second chances who possibly never deserved a first chance. I forgive and forget much easier than I should.

Heartbreak sucks, but letting someone do it more than once is even worse. Once is enough.

Some people aren't worth your tears; some people aren't worth your time. Remembering who is truly important and who deserves you is not always as easy as it sounds.

Feeling sorry for yourself is a tiring act. Listening to depressing music only leaves you feeling worse. Especially when you know that things can (and will) be so much better in time.

Bill summed it up best this morning, when he gave me my new mantra for the week - "Well, if that's the best you could do, then your best sucks!"

Amen to that.

Desiderata

I found this poem yesterday and fell in love with it.

"Desiderata", by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Aside from the last stanza (? it's been too long since I studied poetry, because I mostly hate poetry), my favorite part is "And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." Although this sentiment is expressed to me almost daily, it is sometimes hard to believe. It often seems as though life is moving in the wrong direction, and the sequence of events add up to nothing good. Having faith that there is a plan behind it that I cannot see gives me comfort to wait out the rough patches.

Life has been kinda confusing lately, and I've been discouraged at times. But when it comes down to it, it's a beautiful life, and a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

And a great weekend this shall be...

Just for today

I used to be a dedicted journal writer - I penned my thoughts almost every day, starting during my freshman year of college. I'm not entirely sure why I stopped that ritual - it seemed that when my life was quiet (the times when I was settled), that I didn't have much to write about. My thoughts quieted, and I didn't feel the need to write to sort them out or clear my mind.

Looking back on these journals, I sometimes smile at what tragedy was rocking my world at seventeen, or what guy was breaking my heart at nineteen. While I can see countless ways in which I have grown, there are still a great many entries that could be written today and read the same.

In addition to what I wrote, I always pasted my concert ticket stubs in my journals, and I often clipped articles or other things that I read. If something impacted me enough to read it more than once, it had a place in my journal.

I woke up this morning and realized again, that I need to look at each day as one day, each hour as one hour. Life becomes overwhelming when you look at the big picture all the time. While it is necessary to have goals and far-reaching dreams, the individual steps that you take to get there are just as important, if not more important.

Thinking of this reminded me of something I clipped long ago. Ironically, it is from one of the advice columns (which I never read), and I think it is based on 12 step programs (like AA).

Here it is:

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.
I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct, and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today: I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully — if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

Today I will focus on what is happening at this moment in time, and not worry about tomorrow or the next day. I won't dwell on the future that scares me, or the things that bring me down. I will focus only on what is present, important, and makes me happy. I will deal with things as they come, rather than anticipating what's next.

It's a beautiful sunny day here in New York. I walked down the stairs of the subway this morning and got the B train within minutes (a true rarity). I've got my Starbucks and a muffin (since I ate four french fries for dinner last night). I'm going to see the Jesus and Mary Chain tonight at Webster Hall. Aside from the minor hangover I am sporting right now, I feel confident that it can be a good day.

Just for today - I will live through this day only.

Today I am grateful for.

..the "back" button on my cell phone.

Never text absentmindedly.

I can text better than anyone when I'm drinking. As a matter of fact, my ability to text while drinking seems to increase exponentially with the amount I drink (similar to my ability to dance, play darts, and shoot pool).

Yet I attempt to text sober today and almost send a message to the completely wrong person.

Lesson learned: when texting one person about someone else, don't send the text to the person you are talking about.

God bless the "back" button which saved me at the very last second

Overheard in New York

There is a website I used to enjoy reading, but rarely read anymore, Overheard in New York.

The site basically repeats snippets of completely absurd conversations, overheard in the streets of the City. Here is a gem from today:

Why They Don't Run FEMA Anymore
Bimbette #1: Wait, but, like... What state is Louisiana in, again?Bimbette #2: I don't know. Like, Arkansas?--56th & Madison

This morning, I honestly felt like submitting a few of my own. I have mentioned it before, and will say it again - I despise tourists. There is some definite irony in that, having grown up in New York (tourist central) and then living in Charleston (dependent on tourists to survive).

However, I think my living situations only escalated my disdain for them.

There is one Starbucks in Penn Station. Once you exit Penn Station, there is one every corner; but in Penn, there is just one. Needless to say the line is usually pretty long during rush hour in the morning. There were two Amtrak employees on line in front of me this morning. The woman, with her giant mountain of curly hair (clipped into poufy bow) turned to the man and drawled in her high pitch voice, "Back hoooome at Myrtle Beach, we've got a donut shop on every corner. You don't wait on no lines like these!" Okay. One, this isn't a donut shop. It's Starbucks. There are about 15 Dunkin Donuts in Penn, if you want a donut shop. There's also a Wings every corner in Myrtle Beach, and it's still trendy to wear that bow in your hair there, too.

Then, I was on the elevator in my building this morning listening to two guys who work for one of the Time Inc. entities on the ninth floor. They were discussing a new employee, who one guy said was his friend from college. The conversation went something like this:

Guy #1: So what do you think of the new guy?
Guy #2: Oh, he's my friend from school. I got him the job, even though we were in a hiring freeze. He had like five interviews, though.
Guy #1: Five interviews, huh. He must have interviewed with some pretty important people, like my dad, to get hired during a freeze.

Good to know nepotism is still alive and well in America.

The Fear You Won't Fall

I gravitate to certain types of music depending on the mood I am in. My state of mind seems to dictate what gets played on my IPod while I am walking to work, trying to tune out the world around me. When I am happy and life feels full of joy and promise, I tend to enjoy upbeat music - cheesy top 40, 80's music, bad pop. On the other hand, when I'm feeling down, my playlists can't include enough Damien Rice, Chris Isaak, and Elliott Smith.

Last night, while looking through ITunes for some new music, I stumbled upon the Joshua Radin song "The Fear You Won't Fall" and everything fell into place. I downloaded the entire album - it's beautiful. The downside is that after listening to all thirteen songs this morning on my way to work, I was in no mood to start my day on a bright note.

I am pure melancholy.

This is an album, much like "Forever Blue" by Chris Isaak that is written for the other half of a failed relationship, the person who left and took your heart with him (or her). Every song has the same message, little hope, and even less happiness.

The lyrics are beautiful, though.

I desperately need to snap out of the funk I'm in lately. There is much to look forward to in the near future, and I need to focus on that, rather than the negativity that is muddying my thoughts and overtaking my mindset.

No more Joshua Radin for today.

"Digging a hole and the walls are caving in
Behind me air's getting thin but I'm trying I'm breathing in
Come find me
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought
I could
Can't get my mind off of you
I know you're scared that
I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall
It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel
This way
And I miss you more than I should than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you
And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd cal
lThought being alone
Was better than was better than
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could
Can't get my mind off of you"
- "The Fear You Won't Fall"
Joshua Radin

Of Security Deposits and Wedding Bells

I spent a portion of the weekend looking at apartments, for my grand upcoming July 1 move. While I know that I want to live at the beach, my idea has been met with resistance by many, including my brother, who thinks I should live in Queens. His take is that Long Beach is simply filled with "just out of college kids and everyone from Long Island that we hate."

Regardless, over the next month, I need to find a suitable apartment within my means (easier said than done), pack all of my stuff, and put down the requisite first month - last month - security. Not to mention application fees, broker fees, etc. I miss the simplicity of apartment hunting in other states.

I miss my apartment in Charleston, that at its highest cost, was $665 a month. My apartment that was ten minutes to the beach and five minutes to downtown, in a complex with two pools, sand volleyball, tennis courts, basketball courts, and a hot tub. Now, it is a treat to get a dishwasher in a $1400/month apartment that is the size of my old screenporch.

Needless to say, the initial investment is quite large. While paying month to month rent will put a significant dent in the way I like to live, it's certainly feasible. I asked my mom if I could take money from a CD account that I have, a small inheritance that has gone untouched. She had no problem with this, as long as I left enough money in there to keep the account open. I questioned if my dad would have any objection.

She paused.

"Well, he said that he hoped you would keep that money for a wedding one day. That maybe he could loan you the money."

I didn't even know how to reply. Umm...a wedding. When am I having this wedding that I should be keeping this money aside for? Does having money put aside for a wedding sound a little creepy in this day and age? Just curious.

I think next time I am getting serious with someone, I'll throw out that card. "Guess what, I've got an inheritance account that can cover our wedding!"

Yeah.

So yesterday my brother was home and we were in the car together for about ten minutes (when he offered his "opinions" about where I should move). I told him what our dad had said about saving the money for a wedding, expecting that he would agree with me, that it was an insane concept.

His reply?

"Does he realize that wouldn't even cover 10% of a shit wedding nowadays?"

I'm still really not sure what the most disturbing part of this whole "how to spend the money" conversation was.

Always Wanting

5. Be more and have more

At the core, all of the above ideas can be summed up in a single method: simply convince yourself that you need more than you have at any given moment, and you will be able to maintain a steady feeling of anxiety throughout the day. This can be a feeling of needing to become more than you already are, or needing to have more than you have now (which are actually one and the same), and can be felt more generally as a perpetual sense of lack.

Brad sent me a link to this blog a few months back, which is entitled "5 Ideas for Stressful Living". Although it is intended as a tongue-in-cheek look at the way we intentionally make our lives stressful, I sadly realized that it mirrors the manner in which I live, more than it ought to.

I would be remiss if I said that the statement I posted above is the only one that I saw myself in. Rather, this statement was what really drove the point home, "One of the more absurd aspects of the ego is that it conditions you to actively seek negative results. It makes you think that what you want is peace, when its secret pleasure is always in conflict and negativity."

When do you ever feel that what you have is "enough"?

I can have an entirely "okay" day - in other words, the majority of things go right. But there's something missing, and the entire shift in balance leaves me lacking.

Yesterday was one of those days. In most terms, it was a decent day. Nothing actually bad happened, yet nothing remarkably good happened. And the one thing that could have made it feel like a "good" day didn't happen. In other words, I was (a) wanting more, (b) trying to control my world, and (c) trying to control the actions of another person. Three simple things that add so much more stress to my world.

As funny as that blog sounds when you read it, the reality of it all is less humorous. I think that I take steps to make my life less stressful, when in reality, my actions only make it more so.

I need to stop thinking that I'm on the brink of making my life better, and learn to live in the now. I need to learn to appreciate the one sunny, eighty degree day, rather than being discouraged when the ten day forecast shows nine days of rain following.

It is much more difficult to enjoy the present when you are always thinking that something equal or greater must follow. I need to stop always wanting more.

"Believe me that you're standing on the edge of something good.
And it's the hardest thing you ever had to do.
Truth be told you're begging on your knees
Singing please don't let it, please don't let it be."
- "Please Don't Let It Be
"The Alternate Routes

Today's horoscope

I love my customized Google page - it has ESPN headlines, People.com headlines, "actual news" headlines, and my daily horoscope (among other things).

Here is my horoscope for today: You may be uneasy and restless now, although normally you can make the best of any situation. Today, however, you can get lost in dreams of your future, even if these fantasies are not supported by the present circumstances. Give yourself permission to explore all possibilities, but don't confuse your ideas with reality.

Pretty interesting, huh. That sounds about right for me...

So I'm glad that I'm not nearly as sick as I was at the beginning of the week. I'm glad that it's Friday. I'm glad that tonight is Happy Hour and tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo. My local minor league baseball team starts their season tonight. Life is pretty good on my end.

I just got a ticket to see one of the few bands that I love, but have never seen in concert, The Jesus and Mary Chain. I just signed up to play kickball again, on Monday nights in Riverside Park. I'm going to Virginia for a weekend in just two weeks.

I've got restless spring energy. I can't wait to go rollerblading, play golf at Robert Moses, lay out for hours on end, and go in the ocean. I can't wait to drink Coronas on the beach at sunset.

I'm so excited that summer is on its way.

Fleeting happiness

Between Saturday and yesterday, I spent a cool six hours in the Baltimore airport on layovers, which gave me more than enough time to watch a movie, read a book and then ponder until I fell asleep on my flight.

I just finished watching the movie, "The Freedom Writers" and then bought the book in the airport Borders - pretty interesting movie and book, even though the movie is a bit "MTV" at times (they produced it). Primarily, the movie appealed to me for the same reasons that "Coach Carter" did - one of my deepest desires has always been to really change someone's life in a positive way. Seeing movies, or reading stories about people who impact others in a positive and dramatic way always inspires me, but also forces me to look for meaning in all that I do.

As a writer, the topics written about by the students amazed me. While their stories were compelling, their writing style was really impressive for students that supposedly were "nothing" in the system. While you got a good feel for their writing in the movie, the book is the actual writing - and it shows so much more.

There is a part in the book, where the teacher shows them a poem that someone wrote. The person who wrote it attended college with her, and drowned in the San Francisco Bay shortly after writing it. More or less, it focused on the present and the future. After reading the poem, the teacher posed this question to the students - "'If you could live an eternity and not change a thing or exist for the blink of an eye and alter everything, what would you choose?"

We experience days, weeks, months, and even years where it seems that nothing is right. If we could change this, have that, everything would be better. Then, we experience that one fleeting moment where everything is perfect - the moment in time that you wish you could freeze. Yet nothing major has changed; your life simply handed you the moment you had been waiting for.
I'm coming off of a weekend that I could describe as perfect. While I was nothing but happy for a few days, coming back to reality hits that much harder. And the changes that would have to be made to make this more than just a fleeting moment, aren't likely or reasonable right now.

I wonder what it would be like to feel content - to not have the fleeting moments of extreme happiness, but rather a comfortable feeling of contentment. Would that be better that having those moments that leave you wanting more?

The Beauty in Leaving

"She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes"
- "Wide Open Spaces"
Dixie Chicks

I know there is a word for it, yet I don't know what it is. It's actually probably not a word, per se, but a psychological term or syndrome. Whatever it is – I have it and I'm feeling it.

From the time I was seventeen years old, I've moved as many times as I could count on both hands. The irony is this is that I never moved as a child – until seventeen, I was pretty stationary. I would be lying if I didn't spend the majority of those years counting the minutes until I could get out and start a new life for myself. I fancied escapism since the age I knew it was a viable option.

I wanted to go to college in California or Hawaii, as far away and as divergent from Long Island as humanly possible. My parents rejected that idea outright, and I soon discovered that Georgia was about as far away as they would let me go. Needless to say, reality did not meet up to my ideals and by the end of my first trimester I was ready to leave, to try something new. To be honest, if I hadn't met my college boyfriend at the beginning of my sophomore year, I doubt I would have stayed.

I insisted that I wouldn't return to New York after graduation, and I did, due to lack of opportunity elsewhere. I spent eight months living at home, working in the City, and going out every night in an effort to escape my dissatisfaction with the life I had.

The first opportunity to move again, I took. I packed my belongings and relocated to Charleston. With my dream career on deck and the promise of a bright future, everything was supposed to change. I tried every possible combination over the next few years: coupled, single, career-type job, waiting tables – yet nothing seemed to totally click. I would lie if I said I wasn't comfortable in Charleston; the job situation simply made it impossible to stay there.

So I moved back to New York, once again in search of opportunities and more room to make ever greater mistakes.

I have that feeling again; the feeling that if I don't make a change soon, it will become impossible for me to exist in my own world. Yet I know that it is the wrong time for me to leave – that moving and starting over would only present bigger problems.

Each day I feel as though I lose more of my faith, in things and people. It gets harder to look forward to the possibility that things can change. I feel like I am becoming more jaded, more cynical, and completely negative. It just feels impossible to be optimistic – to believe amongst all the chaos and bullshit that something real does exist.

I'm tired of being disappointed by people that I wrongly put faith in, trusted, or gave credit to. I'm over being hopeful about things that may never happen. It seems like the perfect time to pick up and go, to get away from all of the negativity that surrounds me and the people I need to get away from.

But does it ever really change anything?

"Some things you have to learn them all on your own
You can't rely on anybody else
Or the point of view of a source unknown
If it feels good and sounds nice
Then it's your choice
don't doubt yourself
Don't even think twice
Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
You know they like it when you smile
Find a reason to smile
Try not to focus on yourself
Share that love with someone else
Don't let the bitters bring you down"
- "Sooner or Later"
Michael Tolcher

It Is What It Is

My friend Joe and I were joking on the way home today about that phrase - "It is what it is." Basically, that needs to become my life's motto - I need to learn to let go of some things (namely what I cannot control) and accept that things "are what they are."

All day long, I have felt more stressed than I have in ages. It just seems like when your work life is making you crazy, if your personal life is reasonably calm, it doesn't seem as bad. And likewise. But when both are out of sync, the result is feeling like your head is going to explode.
That's exactly how I have felt all day today, like my head is going to explode.
I am notoriously a poor relaxer, when it comes to achieving balance. I relax well only when I have nothing else to think about (i.e. on vacation). When I attempt to relax otherwise, I pretty much fail miserably.

I want to quiet my head, to tell myself that most of what is causing me to stress so much is transient - that it will all pass. I try to tell myself that in the grand scheme of things, most of what is bothering me doesn't matter. Finally, I try to tell myself, "it is what it is" - in other words, it sucks that things aren't going right, but I have no power to change most of it.
I need to learn to compartmentalize - to reserve my stress for the things that matter (a.k.a the things worth stressing over) and for the things that I can control. I need to stop focusing on trying to figure out people that I don't understand. I need to trust my instincts more than I generally do.

I just hate feeling "off"...it's one of the worst feelings in the world.

A Lot Like Love

I love Netflix – it is one of my favorite things. Last week, in a failed effort to entertain myself while commuting, I discovered "Movie Notes", a feature on Netflix which allows you to send your friends remarks about the movies they rate. When I first went on the page, it showed "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", which Jayme rated 5 stars. I posted her a movie note, stating "Eternal piece of garbage." Needless to say, this inspired her ire. Within minutes, I received numerous "Movie Notes" from her, my personal favorite which read. "You've got to be fucking kidding me. This movie was awesome. How could your taste in music be so good and your taste in movies so bad?"

I confess – my taste in movies is often, at best, shameful. The movies I favor can generally be described as insipid, predictable, and generic. Knowing this, you will forgive me for watching (and somewhat enjoying) the movie I am about to reference.

A year or so ago, I stumbled upon "A Lot Like Love", which stars (I use that term loosely) Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet. From memory, they are college students who meet on a cross-country flight. They immediately sense a "connection" and share an amazing day together. Amanda Peet plays the role of the flighty girl – she has no definite plans and likes to live life as it happens. Ashton Kutcher, on the other hand, has every minute of his life planned out. He is going to graduate college, start a company, make millions, purchase a house, and then, get married. In that order. He is so confident in this plan that he gives her his parents' phone number and encourages her to call them in seven years, when all of this will be accomplished.
One can guess – life throws him a curveball. As he starts to accomplish these milestones, she comes back into the picture and he refuses to find a place for her. After all, the girlfriend marriage thing is the last factor in his equation. Until the other steps are complete, there's no sense in even trying.

Slowly, his world starts to crumble. His Internet start up goes bottoms-up, he has to sell his place and ends up moving home with his parents. In other words, life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

In my younger years, I was the biggest planner. I attempted to break my entire future into specific parameters, arbitrary deadlines, and little black and white boxes that everything was expected to fit into. I was to be married at 24, have my first kid at 26 and my second at 28. Now that I am knocking on 28's proverbial door, with no husband and no kids, I realize that this goal should probably be adjusted. In reality, when I look back on my 24th year, it was better spent that way, than if I had been married. I had no idea when I formulated that milestone, what 24 would really be like.

We all have plans; we all have goals. If we didn't, there would be no reason to get out of bed each day. But what we're often guilty of, is not being flexible enough. Much like the doomed Ashton Kutcher character in "A Lot Like Love", we think that life has a definite path – that B must follow A, and must also precede C. That if life doesn't happen in this fashion, that the outcome will surely be lessened. In other words, if we meet someone when we don't plan to, that our other life plans will suffer. In reality, this is hardly the case – we're often slow to realize that a slight shift in expectations and plans can often result in an even better future than we anticipated.

I have spent many periods of my life, telling myself things like, "This isn't the time for me to be in a relationship, I need to be single." Or "This is the time that I need to focus on work and not be distracted by other things." But life doesn't wait for you – it happens when it wants to. And when all is said and done, it is up to you to have your eyes open to opportunities and possibilities, and not to let them pass you by because it simply wasn't the day you expected them to come.

What are the odds?

I am a magnet for the uncanny, although I wish it would impact my life in other ways, such as winning the lottery. If I was to think of specific instances where my life seemed to defy the odds of actuality, I could probably create a small list. Certain experiences stand out more than others, of course. One such being years ago when I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend in the supermarket, when I foolishly opted to leave my apartment in the rain, after cleaning all day. Needless to say, I'm sure I made quite a lasting impression. At the time, I thought to myself, "What are the odds?" Of all the supermarkets in town, of all of the days, of all the exact times to crave brownies badly enough to leave my apartment looking the way I did.

When I moved back to New York, Brad and I drove my car; my parents drove the moving truck. Brad and I were almost out of town when my parents called to let us know they were stopping for bagels, the bagel store being next to my apartment complex. We turned the car around, entered the bagel store, just in time to see same ex with girlfriend (by then fiancee') on line. It was almost as if the scenario had been prearranged, just to see one last time the life I knew I was leaving behind, moving ahead from. Again, what were the odds?

I met a guy last month, on Ash Wednesday in a random church on Park Avenue. I was sick, looking possibly as awful as could be, and I chose a seat next to him. The Mass took place on a warm day (well, warm for NYC) and they had the doors open. Not only was the lunchtime Mass exceedingly crowded, but the doors being open did nothing to aid in hearing the words of the Mass. Eventually, I turned to him to see if he could hear anything, or if I was simply deaf that day. He couldn't either. The entire Mass was an entertaining circus; people bumrushed the altar to get their ashes and Communion, there was no music, and you couldn't hear a word they said. We started talking, and exchanged information for a future-to-be-determined-date...possibly for lunch.

While we have talked online for the past handful of weeks, we have never met up. Our schedules have constantly clashed, I went on vacation, he works long hours.

I exited my train this morning in Penn Station, and headed to Starbucks to get my coffee. Yes, I'm extremely ritualistic. Now as a journalist by nature, I wish I had a statistic to back this next point up. I'm going to have to guess "millions" of people walk through Penn Station each day. You rarely see the same faces twice (except for the select homeless who are always in the same spot at the same time of day, every day). In walking to Starbucks, I looked up and there he was, walking in the opposite direction. We exchanged surprised glances, he ended up treating me to coffee, and we walked to work together.

What are the odds?

"Serendipity. It's such a nice sounding word for what it means: a fortunate accident."

Resonation

Bittersweet: both pleasant and painful or regretful

I awoke this morning to a feeling of bewilderment - mostly due to the fact that I am basically running on empty as of late. My sleep and awake times are all over the place, with no rhyme or reason determining either. I have been travelling constantly, with little time to spend on the little things that make your day run smoothly. I am tired of cold weather, tired of snow; I lost my gloves before I left for Arizona and haven't found five minutes since to look for them.

It's been a complicated week, at least in my own mind. My mind has been battling both my heart and my conscience on a number of issues, and coming to no strong conclusions. The hectic nature of my world has made it difficult to focus on being where I should be in my life right now. I've been making decisions that I'm not sure of lately, acting in a way that isn't consistent with what I really want.

Brad told me last night that he is getting married. I know that I am happy for him, and a year ago, this news would have definitely been harder to accept. While I know that I am grateful to see him happy, it still leaves me feeling contemplative about my own world - my past, my present, my future. Something about other people's lives moving forward always makes me question my own direction.

There is an unavoidable feeling that follows anticipation - I am in that place right now. Vacation is over, my weekend is over...both events I had been anticipating for quite some time. My next weeks appear to be full of stress, with little specifics to look forward to. I miss waking up each day, knowing that something worth waiting for is on the horizon.

I want to be happy, to remove the parts of my life that are causing my mind to feel uneasy. I want to feel energized and excited, optimistic and hopeful. I want to feel confident in my decisions, and both safe and comfortable in my relationships. I want something to look forward to in my world that isn't fleeting.

"Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping
And all of your searching
For what?
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Take away from me
This monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's
Not gonna solve nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I living
Or what gives me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Could it be this
Could this be bliss
Could it be all that I ever had missed
Could it be true
Can life be new
And can I be used
Can I be used

Give me a reason
For life and for death
A reason for drowning
While I hold my breath
Something to laugh at
A reason to cry
With everyone hopeless
And hoping for something
To hope for
Yeah, with something to hope for"

- "Life And Love And Why"
Switchfoot

Lent and such

I am more than aware that it is Ash Wednesday. At 12:05, I will attend mass at some random church near my office. It's even on my Outlook calendar.

While I have planned this aspect for over a week, I have not come to a solid conclusion as to what I should give up this year.

I honestly can't remember a time when I succeeded 100% in my Lenten resolutions. I think that goes hand in hand with the fact that I often totally and completely lack willpower.

The problem isn't coming up with something to give up - there are a number of things I could give up. The issue is that I can rationalize not giving any of them up. Does that make me selfish?

Many/most years, my birthday falls during Lent. Spring break fell during Lent every year. St. Patrick's Day falls during Lent this year. I am going on vacation in ten days, clearly during the parameters of Lent.

For that reason, I can't give up drinking. I mean, I could, but I really don't want to. This should make me feel a little guilty.

I thought for a moment that I could give up wine, but that seems like kind of a cop-out, if I am still drinking beer, as I drink wine much less frequently.

I thought about giving up Starbucks, but I already had it today and that's my morning ritual - I'm a little too inflexible to make that change for 40 days - although, I would save roughly $200. Now that's depressing.

I could still give up coffee/espresso drinks (I had cider this morning at Starbucks), but then I'm out my morning caffeine. I'm not so sure I could live until 10 a.m. without it.

The year before last, I tried to sacrifice Red Bull. Again, my afternoons were spent in a cranky haze.

I suppose my realization is this - I'm being far too self centered and totally missing the point - sacrifice isn't supposed to be easy. I'm just feeling kind of unwilling to try.

There are plenty of things in this world I should give up; after all, we all have our vices, most which we wouldn't admit in a church atmosphere anyhow.

So do I take the plunge and give something up that will truly require sacrifice, take it day by day, and just see how I do? Or do I take the cop-out route and choose something that I won't truly miss?

Instinct and premonition

I walk to work the exact same way every day; not that there are a real variety of ways I could go, but I always take the same street to my office. In doing so, I cross four avenues.

Each morning when I am waiting to cross a certain one, I get a weird feeling that I have never have before. I feel like if I was ever going to get hit by a car, this is where it's going to happen. The stranger part is that I never think this crossing it the opposite way - only heading East. There's no logic behind this thought - it's just one of those strange premonitions we all have that we can't explain.

I am mildly superstitious. I honestly believe that if bad things are going to occur in my life, it will happen on the 28th. I came up with that one after a number of bad experiences seemed to occur on the 28ths of months. Now, unfortunately, as that date approaches each month, I await what will happen and breath a sigh of relief if it passes quietly.

I also have a bad luck song - sometime way back in the throes of adolscent turmoil, I must have been listening to "Ten", too much, as "Black" by Pearl Jam became my bad luck song. Without fail, if I hear that song on the radio, something is bound to go wrong. It's just a matter of waiting to see what it will be.

I pay so much attention to these strange superstitions and premonitions, that I often neglect logic. In telling Jayme my freak premonition that hits every morning crossing Greeley Square, she remarked, "Why don't you take a different path?"

It seems so simple, so logical. But it's so hard to reprogram how we think and what we choose to do.

Your instincts are usually right - that nagging feeling you can't quite explain that tells you something is wrong. You're in the wrong place, you're doing the wrong thing, you're making the wrong decision. Yet why is it so easy to overlook that "gut feeling"?

Not only is it difficult to make changes in a lifestyle that we're used to, there is a certain degree of uncertainly that follows. We do things all the time that we know aren't right for us; yet making the decision to stop is so much harder.

I've been plagued as of late with these thoughts, these uncertaintanties. But even worse, they're not unexplainable like the Greeley Square thing. They're logical...completely logical. Yet I find it impossible to change my ways. Either I'm too stupid...or not brave enough. I haven't decided which one - because neither sounds really good, does it?

A Book You Should Read

I am somewhat religious; I am somewhat spiritual. I am a total sucker for self-help books, although I never follow their advice.

Years ago, while poring through the books in Urban Outfitters, I stumbled upon a treasure in their collection - a little bright orange book entitled - "How to Be Happy, dammit" (subtitle: a cynic's guide to spiritual happiness).

I bought it because I found the title funny and I liked the layout of the book - it's colorful, pop-arty, and a quick read. It soon became one of my favorite books, and honestly, is one of the best roadmaps for life. I try to read it every few months, but generally find that I read it when I am down, feeling like the answers just aren't there.

Here are some of my favorite parts:
You always have a choice of emotional responses to life.

Happiness is not about what happens to you, but how you choose to respond to what happens.

You must always leave hope that all has happened for good cause.

Never go shopping for kiwis in a shoe store. Some people just don't what you need. So why waste time, banging on their doors, ringing their bells, demanding service?

If you keep doing what you've always been doing, then you'll keep getting what you've always been getting.

Your faith determines your destiny. So you must make sure that your faith remains stronger than your mood.

When you let go of unnecessary attachments, you pick up speed in heading toward your true goals.

Letting go and climbing up to higher life levels, means building new emotional muscles. And just like with all muscle growth, you will always feel the pain before you see the growth.

Love is what you're always looking for in all the things you're looking for.

Some days really suck. That goes without saying. Today in particular was one of those days, when it felt like the whole world was coming down on me. I drudged through the whole day, waiting for it to end.

Then I remembered something important - I have control over that. I just need to wake up and believe that the choices I am making are the best ones (even when they hurt like hell or really seem to suck) and that I am choosing happiness...at least for that moment.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Lucky you

"You coulda made a safer bet
but what you break is what you get
you wake up in the bed you make
I think you made a big mistake."
- "Lucky You"
The National

Sadly, admittedly, my favorite TV show is "One Tree Hill". This could be for a number of reasons - one, I watch very little television. Two, I am notorious for getting sucked into insidious teen dramas. Three, there is always amazing music on this show. Four, they start and/or end the show with literary quotes, which I am a total geek for loving.

The quote on my page today is from an episode way back one - probably season one - really insignificant to my point, either way.

T.H. White said: Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return.

In the episode prior to that, there is a great dialogue exchange. One character questions, "How did we get so broken?" And the other replies, "We fell in love, and at some point, the people we love forgot to love us back."

(No, I don't remember this all offhand, it is catalogued online) :)

Why is it that the people we try the hardest for, the ones we give our hearts to without even thinking are generally the ones who don't stop to recognize this?

And in some cases, it's (thankfully) not even our hearts - it is our efforts, our time, our confidence and our souls. The intangibles in life.

Either way, it's sad and it sucks.

Wondering...

What the fuck am I thinking?

I have a total need to escape reality lately.

Thinking that things that bother me will go away if I don't think about them

The easiest place to go is always the one place I don't belong

And I know better

Reality resonates but doesn't click

Some things in life aren't worth fighting for

Some things should come easier

Some things should be more fun

Every once in awhile, someone should meet your expectations.

Other Side of the World

"The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's to hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me"
- "Other Side of the World"
KT Tunstall

I know life isn't supposed to be easy. I understand the whole concept of "for there to be compassion, there has to be suffering"; I also get that life's rewards are more meaningful when they come after effort and difficulty. I recognize, most of all, that we are responsible for our own decisions.

Some days I think that the world is a decent place - that people are basically good, and that it all seems worthwhile. These are the days that I find hope in the unknown, believing that something amazing can and will happen.

Other days, I find are full of tired excuses. Things don't change, people aren't what you hope or expect they can be. Life feels worn.

It's not necessarily that anything has changed - some days just feel better than others. It's so simple to give up - to believe that you will never have the future you dreamed of, never find the love you deserve, never accomplish all that you hoped to.

Why is it so much easier to put that fire out, than to try to keep it kindling?

"But you are what you love
And not what loves you back
So I guess that's why you keep calling me back
I'm fraudulent, a thief at best
A coward who paints a bullshit canvas
Things that will never happen to me
But at arms length, it's Tim who said I'm good at it, I've mastered it
Avoiding, avoiding everything"
- "You Are What You Love"
Jenny Lewis

Think Again

"Think again
Don't give in
This isn't what you want "
- "Think Again"
Teddy Thompson

The people who I admire most are the ones who know who they are and what they stand for. They are the people who know what they believe in, what they want out of life, and what they deserve. They are the people who do not compromise themselves out of weakness or to fit a particular situation.

Most of us know what we want from life - from our jobs, our friends, and our relationships. Yet it's so easy to find yourself involved in something that is in direct conflict with what you know, deep down inside, you believe in.

We all know (in theory) what we stand for. It's so easy to tell someone what you believe it, what's important to you. Yet it's equally as easy, if not easier, to sacrifice that.
It seems like life is okay when it's fun and things are "going well". But one hard look at reality paints a different picture. It's fun because it's easy...and it doesn't match the person you truly are. Sometimes it's just easier to go along with it, than to think about who you really are, what you stand for, and what it all means.

I wish I wasn't that person, sometimes.

"This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose"
- "This is Your Life"
Switchfoot

The little things

Weekdays mornings when I walk to work, I'm generally not really happy. It could be that I'm not much of a morning person and I hate waking up at 5:25 each day. It could be that I hate the smell of Penn Station by the 1/9 subway, aptly described online as smelling of "Rotten sourdough bread and soured towels ... Rancid, biologicalish, garbagey ... Candy-store buttered popcorn ... Smell of a thousand rotting feet ... Ass ... Funky feet and Doritos ... Urine-soaked fish ... Fecal fiesta." (Sorry, I think that description is beyond fitting and should paint a fabulous mental picture for those of you who don't have the pleasure of sniffing Penn right after breakfast.)

Once I am finally outside, my sub-mile walk through Midtown to my office is cluttered with tourists stopping every ten seconds to take a photo on the street, people who like to type on their BlackBerrys while "walking", and an assortment of other people who don't "get" how to walk down a crowded sidewalk.

These little annoyances make it difficult to appreciate being in the City everyday. I hate winter; I hate the cold. I'm not a fan of the fact that people always seem angry in the City. But there is a part of me that will always love New York, having grown up here.

Today at about 10:00 a.m., in the midst of a perfectly clear blue sky (cold) day, one of my coworkers noted out the window that it was snowing. This was the first snow shower of the season, and we all gathered excitedly at the windows to watch. Although it was done no more than ten minutes later, I remembered that snow falling over Manhattan is a beautiful sight.

Another one of my coworkers walked to the side window, which no one ever looks out. It's buried perilously behind the copy machine, where no one dares to tread. He called me over there to point out something that none of us has ever really "noticed" - a magnificent head-on view of the Empire State Building.

These are the little things I fail to appreciate in my day-to-day life. These are the type of things I need to see the beauty in, when I get bogged down in the typical annoyances of working in the City.

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." - "American Beauty"

The last kiss

On New Year's Eve, I watched "The Last Kiss", which recently came out on DVD. The movie, which stars Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson is basically about life, the inevitable quarterlife crisis, and why relationships don't survive.

In a nutshell - Zach Braff is a 29 year old architect, living with a girl who everyone thinks is perfect. He, at one point, found her perfect, too. He has made every excuse as to why they shouldn't marry yet, citing the unhappiness and breakdown of every married couple they know...including their parents. She finds out they are having a baby - he meets 20 year old Rachel Bilson, a local college student. While he should be looking at life from an adult perspective, he embarks on an affair with her, in an effort to escape the predictability that settling eventually brings.

I won't ruin the rest of the movie for you (after all, that's enough plot for you to rent it...), but when it was done, I felt cynical and sort of depressed. I'm not the only person who felt this way after seeing this film. Everyone agrees that they enjoyed it, but they also feel it's a reasonably accurate take on relationships and our perception of growing up and taking on responsibility.

Regardless...it was a bad choice for New Years Eve. While I was getting ready to go out and start 2007 with a fresh, optimistic outlook, I instead felt jaded and cynical. That this is reality. Maybe I am better off with the less realistic movies that paint a more positive (yet I repeat, unrealistic) portrait of life, love, and relationships.

Just the same, there was an amazing quote in the movie. When his girlfriend is talking to her mother, her mother comments "Life is pretty much in the grays. If you insist on black and white, you're going to be unhappy."

This is what I am trying this year - to stop insisting on black and white in life. I am making an effort to stop overanalyzing and looking for perfection, idealism, and sense in everything in my life. It seems the more you try to make everything fit a certain way, the less it actually does.
Maybe absolutes aren't the key to happiness, after all. Or is that simply settling?

Holiday Spirit

The stores have been decorated since Halloween; the radio has been playing Christmas music since before Thanksgiving. I have tried my hardest to resist being in "holiday mode" up until the other day, when I finally decided to embrace it.

Once I decided I was ready, all of the lights started to look pretty and the music even made me feel sentimental (well, except for that Mariah Carey Christmas song).

I have had a few conversations lthis past week with friends and family about various hardships and tragedies people have experienced as of late. This year hasn't been easy for a lot of people, myself included at times. I lost my grandma, and my friend Chad unexpectedly. It feels sad celebrating the holidays without them here.

On the other hand, I have begun to put things in perspective, and realize all that I have to be grateful for this holiday season. I have wonderful parents, and a loving brother who care very much about me. I have friends that constantly make me laugh and smile, but also stand by when I need someone to listen. I have a great new job helping people, who truly appreciate anyone who can help them along the way.

Take a minute and appreciate how much you really have this holiday season - the tangibles, the intangibles. Try to make someone else's holiday season a little brighter, whether it's a phone call, a card, or just a little something that says you care.

And to all of my friends - you mean the world to me. I miss all of you every day that I don't see you.

Happy Holidays!

I hate you, Silo Sushi Man

There is a cafe just a few doors down from my office, called Silo. I eat there practically every day, because it's a short walk (on days like today when the wind chill is 3 degrees) and they have all kinds of food.

A few days ago, I went to order sushi and the one man who makes it, had wandered away from his station. I asked the man at the station next to him (the bimibab station) where he was. He didn't respond. After 15 minutes, I gave up and ordered the worst $9 salad I have ever had. As soon as I ordered the salad, he returned.

Yesterday, I went back and saw him at his station. I placed my order, and he yelled back at me, "NO RICE!" So sushi was out yesterday. I instead ate fruit for lunch.

Today was the last straw. I stood there for ten minutes, while he crafted California rolls and blatantly ignored me. Finally, he looked up at me, signalling he was ready for me to place my order.

"Two shrimp, two yellowtail, two tuna"

His reply, "NO YELLOWTAIL!"

"Okay, I'll have four shrimp and two tuna"

Again, "NO SHRIMP!"

I am not playing this game with you, Sushi Nazi at Silo. I hate you.

Thank God this is New York City and I am sure there is another overpriced sushi place just feet away...

Older businessmen are complete tools

Older businessmen are complete tools. I believe in the accuracy of this statement, because I encounter them throughout the day. I should have said that not all are this way (I work with plenty of decent, friendly, respectable older men), but the overwhelming majority of them simply bother me.

I find it funny when they are on their cellphones, speaking so loudly that everyone could hear them. Most of the time I don't think there is even another person on the other line - they just like to look "important" as they discuss "business". It's even worse when they yell at someone on the other end "Mary! Why didn't that Fed Ex make it on time? What is the Seattle office going to do?"

Like I care, when you're holding up the line in Starbucks.

I spend three hours on the train each day. In the morning I usually sleep, so that doesn't count. In the evening, however, I usually listen to my ipod to tune people out and read a magazine or book. I forgot to charge my ipod last night, and had no option but to inadvertently listen to my fellow commuters.

On my second train this evening, I sat behind two older businessmen. They were flipping through a golf magazine and engaging in a spirited conversation about their hot, young assistants.

Businesstool #1 - "You should see my new assistant. She's right out of college, so hot. You should see the way she looks at me."

Businesstool #2 - (smiles smarmy at his tool of a friend, chuckles) "I have two assistants. I'd bring them home and show them a good time next time my wife's away!"

I was so grossed out by this exchange. They are so completely delusional to think that their assistants want them. And that is why businessmen (the older ones, especially) are total tools.

I need to be next to the person Jayme was near last week on the train when she texted me "Only on the train - this guy is making sexy talk w his woman and asking her to wear something w easy access and no damn jeans". Those are the people who entertain us when we commute.

My random laugh of the day...

I was just driving on the Long Island Expressway, when I noticed (for the first time) a sign prior to entering the road.

The sign read: "No pedestrians, bicycles, or horses."

Yeah, because I think it would be a great idea to either walk, ride a bike, or even better, a horse on the L.I.E.

But, sadly we all know that these signs are made for a reason...

Tomorrow is my last day!

Yeah....tomorrow is my last day of work at my current job! I love the last week of any job (I've done this more than once), because you know that change is a-coming...soon.
I've spent the past week randomly cleaning out my office. I've found shoes, CDs, many office supplies, and best of all, a presumed to be year old Cadbury Egg. Oh, and a stray green jellybean.

On Monday, I start my new job. I'll be working in Manhattan for the first time since February 2001, when I took off running for Charleston, in search of warm weather and less stressed people. I'll be on the train an average of three hours per day (try not to envy me), which should give me ample time to catch up on sleep and reading.

Check out the organization I am going to be working for, Autism Speaks, I expect it will soon be your favorite non-profit :)

For those of you in the City, lunches, Happy Hours, and shopping are coming. Something has to make up for commuting and the long, cold winter ahead. Aside from looking forward to my trip to Arizona in March...

An all-time favorite story

Many of you know that I am currently taking an Autobiographical Writing class. Each week I have to submit two pieces, and honestly, thinking back upon some of these stories has totally made me laugh. If you knew me in college, you either heard this story, or lived it with me...but it is an all-time favorite.

Enjoy :)

When you're single, it often is a hobby for friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and strangers to "set you up." Everyone has a friend, neighbor, cousin, or brother that would be "perfect for you" and you should "give him/her a chance."

While this proposition was made to me more than once, I decided to give in my sophomore year. My sorority was hosting a semiformal and my boyfriend at the time was enrolled in military school, over four hours away. Since everyone else had a date and we were going in groups, the other girls decided it would be best to set me up on a blind date. Rhonda (coincidentally my alter-ego...I had her ID until I turned 21) mentioned that her boyfriend had a fraternity brother that would be fun to take to the event.

On the night of the formal I waited as each of the girls were picked up -- an hour and a half passed, and I wonder if he was going to come at all. The doorbell rang and I opened the door to find a very drunk, shaggy looking guy on my doorstep.

"You ready?", he asked.

I could have feigned sickness, I could have simply turned him away. Instead I grabbed my keys and ushered him to my car - he certainly wasn't driving anywhere.

We went to a restaurant to meet up with some of my friends, including Rhonda, who had set us up. During the course of dinner, he ordered a number of drinks, shots, beers, and also pulled a flask from his suit jacket. He offered up conversation on a variety of "dinner appropriate topics" - his favorite porn stars, the Dukes of Hazzard, and hunting. He then proceeded to order the most expensive item on the menu.

I assumed that since we had never met before, we would be splitting the check - wrong! He handed it to me, and simply shrugged his shoulders.

We left the restaurant and drove to his fraternity house, where we could park my car and take a cab.

Once again, Mr. Moneysaver suggested that we "walk" to save money on a cab. Mind you, it had rained all day and the street was flooded.

Against my better judgement, we started walking to the formal, which was only a few blocks away. Suddenly, he stopped on the street, turned towards a row of bushes, unzipped his pants and relieved himself. I kept walking (after all, what could I do?) and he followed.

Finally, we arrived at the formal. He excused himself to go to the restroom, and I went inside to look for my friends. After about ten minutes, he returned and simply said, "Thanks for tonight - I'm going to catch up with my friends at the bar."

And just like that he was gone.

What Matters...

It's a long day...both waiting to hear news about Chad and hoping that the news is good. I'm not ready to lose one of my friends - I have only been through the death of a friend once and the experience is one that I would not wish on anyone. I am trying hard to believe in the power of faith and prayer - that if enough people believe, it can make a difference. There is nothing in this world I want more right now than for Chad to come out of this in the same condition he was in last week, before the accident.

Something about tragedy always causes us to reflect on our own lives - what we are doing to lead the kind of life we should, and how easy it is to fall off that path.

Don't take your friends and family for granted - it's way too easy to lose the people we truly love. For those of you who don't know Chad, I hope you get the chance to meet him. He is one of the funniest, quirkiest, and most morally grounded people I have ever met in my life. He leads a life that most of us could learn a thing or two from. In the two years that I have known him, he has always been there to try to talk some sense into me, to listen when I need him to, or to make me laugh. For those of you who are lucky enough to have him in your life, I'm sure that you see in Chad the same qualities that I do.

So please, even if you don't know him personally, please remember him in your prayers. This is obvously a tough time for him, as well as for his friends and family.
I can only hope and pray that we will get news today - and it will be positive and hopeful.

Please pray for my friend Chad

I just received word that my friend Chad was in a bad four wheeling accident and is in the hospital. At the moment, details are scarce...but the prognosis doesn't sound positive.

Please keep Chad and his family in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I'm a Confusion Magnet

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there. "
- "Good Will Hunting"

Today I looked in the mirror just to check.
Something told me that I have a giant stamp on my head that says "Confused? Apply here!", as the only people I attract in my world are the confused, the bewildered, and the ones looking for a direction.
I remember in high school, going on a date with what should have been a "great guy on paper" - he was smart, very attractive, and came from a well-off family. For years to come after this single date, my mom would refer to him as "the best looking guy I ever went out with". He evidently left quite a mark on her in that three meeting meeting on my front stoop.
We went out to a local bar, had a few beers and watched Olympic swimming and diving (no idea why I remember this). The date was going great - we had so much to talk about and I was really enjoying his company.
Then the conversation took a sharp turn.
He devoted the remainder of our date discussing his ex, who he had just broken up with, and how much he missed her and what they had. I was dumbfounded, but me being me, I talked him through it.
This wouldn't be the first time this would happen, as a matter of fact, it would be the first of many dates with guys who decided that I would make a good therapist.
My mom said that the next time I went on a date with a guy who brought up his ex in that fashion, I should tell him that I didn't care. I never learned how to do that.
Years later, I met a guy who flew down to spend a weekend with me. We had a great weekend together, but a large portion of the conversation revolved around his future and the confusion he was experiencing in making life choices. I assumed my favorite dual role of cheerleader and therapist. I told him that he was smart, charismatic, and had a lot to offer to the world.
A week later, he e-mailed me saying that I helped him to believe in himself more than he had in a long time, and thanked me. Once he was able to believe in himself, he seemed to not need me anymore.
I have had many guys tell me the same thing - that my optimism and ability to listen enables people to look at themselves in a different way. I guess it's a good thing, being able to inspire people and offer them the confidence to make life decisions.
On the other hand, I realized last night that I am tired of people who constantly want to use me as a sounding board. I'm tired of hearing about everyone's exes that they're still stuck on, and about why they don't know what they want out of life. Because, it seems, as soon as I help them to figure it out, there is another girl waiting for the person I helped make complete.
I want someone who has it figured out. Not everything, because none of us do. I would be a complete hypocrite to say that I have life figured out. The thing is, I don't mind encouraging someone; I don't mind listening and helping someone through a tough time. But every once in awhile, I wish a guy would do the same for me.

And more humor...

Credit Brad again, for this one.

I was sent this e-mail a long time ago at a job:
Moral dilemma test...You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, whenyou pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for thebus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there couldonly be one passenger in your small car? Think before you continuereading.This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part ofa job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she isgoing to die, and thus you should save her first.Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, andthis would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired(out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and lethim take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait forthe bus with the partner of my dreams."Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thoughtlimitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

So yeah, we're supposed to learn something from this. Brad's reply was much better...

Yeah, but then you stuck your old friend with the thankless task of hauling an old bag to the hospital while you stay behind and cavort with your new lover. And the old friend was probably someone of the opposite sex who has had a lifelong crush on you, which really sucks for that person. While you're at it, why don't you tell your old friend to do your laundry and clean your kitchen after they're done dropping the old bitty on the hospital curb. The old friend can then pick you and your new lover up at the motel the next morning.
And this is why, if you don't have one, you need a Brad in your life :)

So I am stealing from Brad's blog...but I forgot how entertaining this really is...credit Brad for the writing, credit Jayme for finding this magnificent man (or rather, him finding her last year). Anytime I need something to laugh at, I just think of this. Is that wrong? Anyway, here it is, from Brad's blog, last year...
"A good man is hard to find"
Ok, not that I peruse Match.com that often, but my attention has been brought to this entry: http://www.match.com/profile/showprofile.aspx?lid=1000005&TP=U&UID=5taghGM3rx6UIhR1avD9sQ==&Handle=sloemo
Now, the entry itself is almost too overwhelming to describe, so I'll just comment on one telling excerpt:
MY FRIENDS SAY THAT I'VE BEEN ON MY OWN FOR TOO LONG AND HAVE GOTTEN TOO COMFORTABLE WITH THAT. THEY MAY BE RIGHT. I LIVE A BACHELOR'S LIFE. I AM NOT MATERIALISTIC. I AM A SIMPLE MAN WHO ENJOYS WALKS AND FINDING BARGAINS.I'M LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WHO I CAN GET ALONE WITH, SOMEONE WHO WILL ACCEPT ME AND ALL MY IDIOSYNCRASIES.

Even though this "simple" man is 42 years old and a Hong Kongian (wtf is the politically correct term for a Hong Kongian anyway?), I feel a kinship and a recognition that runs deeper than the ocean. "Yes!" I exclaimed out loud upon reading this, "Finally someone less shy and reluctant than me has come forth and laid bare his deepest emotions. Finally someone has said, 'enough of this being alone, I shall set forth and find my soul mate.'" And to top it off, I, TOO, enjoy bargains. Uncanny.

God bless this gentle and courageous creature who might show us what true love is. Ladies, I'm not sure of this man's availability now, but my advice to you is to seize him as your own as soon as possible, if possible.

R.I.P. Labor Day Weekend

Labor Day is my least favorite holiday of the year. When I lived in the South, I barely gave the holiday a passing thought, except that it meant college football was starting and baseball was winding down. Now that I am back up North, it conjures images of everything I despise - cold weather, snow, being sick, baseball ending, and the long wait for summer to begin again.
I remember going to Jamaica in October of 2000, getting off the plane in Laguardia only to be greeted by snow flurries. I repeat, in October.
I remember flying home my senior year of college in April for a weekend of interviews, and being snow delayed at the airport.
It really shouldn't snow from October to April...that just seems a little ridiculous.
I can't focus on enjoying Fall, because I know winter is just a step behind. I hate wearing sweaters, shoes, and coats. I hate when daylight seems shorter than nighttime. I hate scraping ice off my car windows, and shoveling my car out of parking spaces.
Everyone keeps commenting "It's going to be a bad winter" and all I can do is cringe.
Once Labor Day comes, it's only a matter of time before the countdown to summer starts again.

Extremes

"...I will never stop trusting extremes. I will always believe that anything worth having is worth having in excess. The good things are worth hoarding until you have a cookie-fat ass, sex-aching loins, joy that fires through you like popping popcorn, or love, the weakness at the sight of some boy that makes your chest ache like indigestion."
- "Smashed"
Koren Zailckas

I still don't love this book. I am on page 232 and to be honest, it has been repetitive since page one. Just the same, some of her thoughts definitely resemble things that have rattled around in my own head.
What it proves - no matter what your poison, what your addiction...it's all the same in the end.

Here is New York

"And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings"
- "Mrs. Potter's Lullaby"
Counting Crows

Tenth grade photography, developing seemingly artistic photographs - when I found out that Kurt Cobain had died. Babysitting one summer afternoon - when Jerry Garcia passed away. Playing Monopoly on the floor of a friend's room - when TWA Flight 800 crashed.
I remember my 8th grade Social Studies teacher telling us to ask our parents if they remembered where they were when JFK was assassinated.
Until September 11, 2001 - these were the biggest events I remembered.
In just ten days, it will be five years since that day. I was home in New York for a two week vacation, and had plans to meet a former coworker for lunch in the City. It was a stunning Fall day; not a cloud marked the cerulean sky. I read a book last year, written by a firefighter's widow. She questioned why in times of tragedy, do we always point out how normal the events of the day seemed. Everyone remembers the beautiful weather that day.
I was on the train, headed into the City when my cell phone rang. It was my mother; she had heard that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center (at this time, everyone assumed an accident, maybe a Cessna...news travels slowly) and that I should probably avoid that section of the City. Within minutes, the train became a flurry of cellphones ringing, people gasping, and the eventual pandemonium. We were approaching the East River - where you can see the skyline from Long Island City on the train. People had bits and pieces of information about what was happening - enough to make people panic and feel immediately claustrophobic, but not enough to truly understand what was happening.
We sat in the train, unsure as to whether we would continue into the City, or head back East. The train stood still, as we watched the Tower fall. I remember people shouting, people crying. I remember my father, the conductor on the train, saying over the loudspeaker, "Please stay calm and pray."
The cell phones stopped working - I couldn't call my mother to tell her that we were okay. I couldn't call my brother in Boston to see if he was okay.
"All circuits are busy."
The one line no one wanted to hear that day.
The silence of the next few days was deadening. Radio stations refused to play music, instead embracing a talk format to assuage people's grief. No planes flew overhead. I remember the silence in my backyard.
I returned to Charleston about a week later - it seemed as if nothing had happened. New York, which was the portrait of America as one, was covered in flags and unified in support and brotherhood. Charleston seemed too quiet, as if the events that had happened were so far removed from their day to day lives.
At that moment, I was so grateful to have been home for it, as devastating as it was.
Last week, I was waiting to get my hair done and picked up a copy of New York magazine, which focused on September 11th. In one of the articles, they mentioned a book called "Here is New York" - a photo book detailing September 11th and its aftermath through the eyes of New Yorkers. I ordered it from Amazon, curious as to what I would see.
My own memory is spotty at best - I cannot watch the coverage that shows people jumping out of the Towers. My mother remembers the funerals of firemen - it seemed like they lasted an eternity. Each one dredged up a memory of the devastation.
I look back at my journal from that day, and am ashamed of how self-involved I was, at 22.
"They're calling it the worst terrorist attack in history. A bunch of plans were hijacked - they crashed two into the World Trade Center (it's completely destroyed), one into the Pentagon, and one crashed in PA. It was so sad - completely surreal that the Twin Towers are gone. I'm bummed about my own life - work stress, etc. - but I know it is selfish to think of my own problems right now when all of this is going on."
I couldn't even recognize what that single event would mean the rest of my life.
The book arrived today - it is almost 900 pages of photographs. While they are all undoubtably tragic, there is a beauty in what New York became during that time. Something about looking at these photos reminded me what I felt that day, something that I could not have possibly captured in words.
I often take my surroundings for granted. After September 11th, I tried to shut it out - I didn't want to see the footage anymore; it hurt too much. Looking back at these photos reminded me that yes, it hurt. It hurt much more than I thought it did then.
While the City was certainly beautiful before, looking back at photos taken on September 10th, with the Twin Towers posed loftily as the centerpiece of the skyline - it became even more magnificent on September 12th.